Tamera Beardsley: thoughts on my next chapter

Reoccurring Dreams ... Grief or Looking For Purpose?

I have had the same dream

a version of it

for months now.

I am always searching for home

where I should be.

Then there is often a part when

I realize I forgot to tell my parents

I was on a trip

and

then remember

they are both no longer here.

Even in a dream

I can feel the shocking loss.

My nightly travels have taken me to some beautiful places

but the yearning in my soul

is never satisfied

nor

can I ever find

the home I'm looking for.

In the dreams

I can no longer find my way home.

I wake up feeling exhausted by the continual journey.

I am a big believer in dreams

so I have spent much time

trying to unravel

such repetitive dreams.

Always trying to unlock

the deeper meaning.

Because no matter how much effort I have been

putting into my life

to scramble

for direction

for purpose

for meaning

it all continues to feel elusive.

I feel stuck.

I have a case of procrastination

when it comes

to relaunching my business

like no other.

It has gotten to a point of

personal shame.

For someone who has always

prided myself in

my work ethic

I no longer recognize myself.

Only feeling worse as the days and months go by

and yes,

even years.

It is almost crazy

how much effort

I put into

not doing what I need to do.

Shocking at the very least.

In the dreams I have

an overwhelming feeling of

being untethered

and

not in a way that feels free and brilliant.

More the kind

where I run forever in hysterical circles

always trying to grab

onto meaning and

purpose.

To find my way home.

I know I so desperately

want to feel

like I have my life together

that everything is under control

that I got this.

I know in my heart I want to break out of this

cycle of procrastination

or depression

or fear

or whatever I have become mired in.

My dreams speak to the yearning

my heart has

to get back home.

I think maybe the bottom dropped out

when Jeff lost his job out of the blue

after 25 years.

Then my dad died.

It seems no matter how hard I drill down on myself

demanding a competent level of productivity

I freeze.

I don't move forward.

Because in reality

I feel rudderless.

I am still ever so

Grateful for the Wonderful Life

I do have.

But I am missing something.

Maybe I haven't taken the time to

truly grieve my parents passing.

My dad died a few months

after my husband lost his job

of 25 years

completely out of the blue.

My dad died in the hospital

during Covid

after several months in ICU

after complications from a 'simple surgery'

Because it was Covid

there was no funeral.

Just a gravesite burial.

I still can't really believe he's gone.

Every time I have good news

like the birth of our brand new grandson

Jeff's new job

I can't wait to

tell my parents

And then I remember.

I didn't have a perfect relationship with my parents.

We often saw life and choices differently.

But they were always a constant in my life.

Their love was always there.

I chose many time not to move away with our family

because I wanted

my parents

to have the opportunity

to have a relationship

with their grandchildren.

My sister died before my kids were born

and

left a gaping hole in my parents heart.

I wanted to help fill it.

I also wanted my kids

to grow up with grandparents.

I made many life choices to make it so.

Because I grew up here in Southern California

without extended family

I wanted my kids to know different.

Even though I didn't always see eye to eye

with my parents

they were always there.

Always interested and supportive

of our children

and

Jeff and I.

I have recently realized

my parents

were also something

to push off against.

A border in life

that was a boundary

I could cross or go beyond.

A talisman in my life.

A where I came from

to see how far I'd come.

A life marker.

I had no idea I would feel so adrift

without my parents in my life.

Maybe even thought

when they died

so would the critical voice

that lives within my head.

It's odd that not only the good in relationships

give us comfort and direction

but

it seems that even the bad parts

were part of my self identity

in a way I never would have imagined.

I hadn't realized

how much I defined my self

by not necessarily rebelling

but rather

doing things 'Differently'.

I wish I hadn't been so tempered by my fear

of their disappointment or judgement

and

sat down with them

to learn more about

them.

What life moments and choices

defined them.

How they navigated their own life

in a different current

from their own parents.

I always thought I had time

for those kind of conversations

you know

when I had my life

perfectly together.

A time when I felt so strong and confident about myself

I wouldn't fear their criticism.

When I would be immune to judgement

A time where I could receive that

and

not take it to heart.

When I could protect my heart fully.

A time when I felt calm in who I was.

A time .....

I am a 63 year old woman

who is shocked to realize

just how afraid of my parents opinion

I feel.

I didn't feel like that when they were alive.

So why so much now?

It feels even worse.

The critical voices I have in my head

from them

seem louder.

Always asking if I.m doing enough with my life.

I feel I am not

I often feel lost in

waves of grief

and

full on purposelessness.

My wonderful children are

Grown and Flown

and

Thriving.

Parenting defined my heart and soul for so many years.

Giving me so much purpose and drive.

When my parents were here

I could always justify my actions

and

self

in my own head.

Now I can't.

And

that

right there

might just be

part of my

searching dreams.

I don't know.

What I do know

I haven't been able to

cry or grieve my dad's passing

much

even though it was over a year ago.

I think I was tied up

in knots of fear

regarding Jeff's job situation

Now that has moved over to the settled category

my heart and soul

must be trying to

put this new life chapter

into a new focus

I can live with.

I know this feeling of being lost

will eventually pass.

And as always

I will be searching for the lessons

to be found.

I know for a fact

that I have tremendous respect for my parents

and

the life they lived.

I respect their imperfections and humanity

I know they went further emotionally

from where they came.

Just as I hope my children

will think that of me

when I'm gone.

I also know I want to honor both my parents

by living and leaving

a life and legacy of love.

Maybe sometimes

we just really need the time

to sit with our dreams

to uncover what our heart is trying to tell us.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life

Backyard Bliss

~~~ During this time of
Staying Home

I thought that once again sharing one of my favorite
Backyard Projects
could be inspiring.

Has me thinking maybe I need to make another
Backyard Tepee! ~~~

*******

I've recently been playing in my own backyard.

After the wedding I was warned many times

about the emotional crest and drop after a wedding

and

my friends

for me it was so true!

I had been advised by many to plan a trip

for after the wedding.

I definitely considered it.

But for me

I realized a better alternative

would be to redo a space at home.

The 'living room' in the backyard

was the perfect space to fluff and restyle!

I so appreciated a new focus

and

I am always emotionally soothed by the beautiful spaces I create.

It is vital self care for me.

We had needed new seating

as our old backyard living room pieces looked nice enough

but were the opposite of comfortable.

So instead of a trip

we invested in some new backyard pieces.

Beginning with a basic neutral seating unit from Costco.

The bones were great and the right size for the space

and

I knew with some creative styling

it would have the aesthetic

and

comfort we were looking for.

We also got umbrellas and heavy duty bases from Costco.

Shade is an important player

in summer comfort for us

as we live in a desert climate for the most part.

I don't want a permanent structure

because in the winter I so appreciate

the open air and light.

I have been switching out to succulents the last few years

with great success!

It has been so lovely not to lose gardens and plants during a hot spell.

Also when the succulents outgrow their space

they transplant ever so easy to bigger plantings.

This season all I had to do was move some plants around

and

invest in a few flats of tiny succulents to fill in some pots.

This succulent bowl is my favorite outdoor centerpiece

and

performs beautifully in the direct summer sun.

After a brief switch out to candles

(which quickly melted during a hot spell)

I have once again done a run of small succulents down our

long farm table.

They are doing great

and

just call for a weekly watering.

I have found it most successful to submerge each of them in a bucket of water.

They are able to absorb the maximum amout of water

and

there is no table runoff to clean up.

The succulent wall that I started several years ago

has grown in beautifully!

It encloses a small waterfall that adds the most lovely ambient sound to the garden living room.

I have recently added in antique windows and candles.

My exciting to me addition this week is

a tepee!

Last Saturday night

during some beautiful summer breezes

I remembered how much I loved our tepee

that my husband built

over a decade earlier

when the kids were little.

We were homeschooling at the time

and

studying Native Americans.

It ended up to be such a wonderful space and summer memory.

The tepee back then

had reminded me just how much

I had loved making simple tents as a child

Both inside and outside.

The fresh new cozy spaces always filled me with wonder and joy.

With some simple sheets and chairs and clothespins

you could instantly create

safe cozy spaces

that with imagination

could take you any where you wanted to go!

So Sunday my wonderful husband

built a brand new teepee for me!

With 5 12 foot lodge poles

2 drop cloths

jute rope

a full sized air mattress

a quilt

and

collected pillows

there now is a blissful new summer space in our backyard!

We used one 12 foot by 15 foot drop cloth for the tepee itself.

I used another the same size

for the tepee 'door' flaps.

I simply tore it in half width wise

gathered each side up and tied it to the top.

Now I can close the tepee up entirely!

We celebrated our brand new room Monday night

with charcuterie and wine accompanied by a summer breezes!

It's such a perfect summer pop up space!

It makes me happy just looking at it!

Inside I added

a striped pouf

topped with a wooden butcher block

which makes for a perfect side table.

I also brought in a small

ceramic table

for just a bit more function.

Outside the tepee I brought in a wooden stump

for a table to hold a lantern.

On the other side

there was just enough room for a basket

that I filled with blankets

for chilly morning comfort!

I have the basket and pouf

both sitting on metal garden pot holders

so they don't get wet.

I am afraid my pictures

can not do justice to what a fantastic garden space

the tepee actually is!

Every morning

I can't wait to get up and go out to the back!

I enjoy the view just looking at it

almost as much as I love being inside the tepee!

While my coffee is brewing

I have sparking water with Meyer lemons from my trees.

Inside the tepee I have a view out to my newly restyled living room!

After working with so many 'hip' and fresh styling pieces

for our daughters wedding

I knew afterwards I wanted to integrate

some freshness into both the inside and outside of my house.

A lot of the times

it ended up

with actual pieces fro the wedding!

Like this candle collection

my daughter found

and

luckily for me

she had no space in her apartment!

I have now moved my morning ritual of coffee and candles

into the tepee.

With the early sunrises I have traded out candles for lemon water!

But reflecting on my gratitude during my morning coffee time

is still the main focus.

I feel I have traveled far emotionally

since the wedding seven weeks ago.

I am now at peace and happy that my daughter is married

and

both of my sons are successfully on their own.

I am now fully embracing and cherishing our empty nest.

What felt like a hole that would always be in my heart

has now healed

and

I am now able to step back

and

appreciate the past

with renewed hope and gratitude for the future.

My simple tepee

is a visual reminder

that no matter ones age

spot in this journey that is life

we can always build new joys

and

immerse ourselves in gratitude and beauty.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life.

Surviving Marital Betrayal

I have been quiet here on my blog of late.

Quiet because what I have been dealing with the last almost 8 weeks

has been much too painful to share.
It has been a pain so deep
I literally thought I would loose my mind.

But now not sharing it seems dishonest.

Like I am carrying a shame

and

it feels paralyzing and stifling.

Like I can't break through of the ugly, ugly truth.
That my silence makes me have to
pretend to be
someone
I no longer am.

You see I have been dealing with
marital betrayal.

His not mine.

and

it has changed me to my core.

My life changed on November 6th of this year

when the truth began to come out.

I can look on my Instagram of November 5th

and

recognize

who I used to be.

I see a women who was solid in her stride

totally oblivious to the damage that had been perpetrated against her.

It is a pain that seems to grow with time
with the deepening knowledge that
marriage betrayal
becomes part of your life history.

It sometimes feels like it takes on a life of it's own.
Triggers, heartbreak and rage
seeping out
of what at times
feels like the deep, dark blue.

I was only here on my blog
looking back

to pull pictures for my yearly Wardrobe Recap

Going back over the last year

and

seeing our

Date Nights

was like a knife to my heart

making breathing even a chore.

I never had any idea how devastating and shattering

marriage betrayal could be.

When I look at posts about our 30th Anniversary

I am sickened and humiliated

wondering if the pain will ever subside.

Not that our marriage was perfect by any means.

We had settled into a passionless day to day

that itself felt stifling.
A marriage where we were all too comfortable sleeping in separate rooms.
Our lives only overlapping mainly on Friday nights.

I even remember before our 30th anniversary in September

thinking if being married 30 years might just be indeed enough.
When my wedding ring
got a tear in the back
I was actually relieved to take it off.

But I also knew
I didn't want to destroy our family
and
our three adult children.

We won't be leaving any of them with a large inheritence

I wanted to at least leave them with a stable home life.

I think I believed that our marriage

was what being married 30 years looked like.

Boring.

Disconnected.
Comfortable.
Safe.
Responsible.

Even with this situation

I never really belived

Betrayal by my husband was possible.

(Although

I did have my suspicions.

I started asking some questions

because my intuition

made me.)

But when I found out the actual truth.

It felt surreal.

How could this really be happening to

me.

By the man I had been absolutely loyal to for

31 years in total.

Not a perfect wife by any means

but
a loyal one to a fault.

I had stopped my career as a fashion accessory designer

to dedicate myself to our family.

Did I over invest in my children

at the expense of my marriage

in hindsight

most likely.

I would definitely counsel others to do marriage and family differently.

But by saying that

I am in no way taking blame for betrayal.

But I would be a fool if I didn't take the time

to figure out how we got here.

I believe by only unwinding the road that got us here
will we have any chance at repairing the marriage.

Because
we both desperately want to stay together in a passionate quality marriage.

I also believe my husband is a good man
who made a terrible, soul crushing mistake.
If I didn't truly believe that
we would have been over November 6th.
As bad as his betrayal was
he has handled the aftermath with character, courage and integrity
never once backing away from taking responsibility
for what he has done.
I wouldn't be staying otherwise.

These last almost 8 weeks have been such an intense rollercoaster of emotions
from the predictable anger and rage
emotional devestation and shattering
to more surprising
a breaking open from the inside out.
A breaking out of self imposed rules and personas
on both sides.

He also began to change in a way
without his betrayal
he might never have.

My breaking open
made me realize that
I too deserved a passionate, joyful life.
That I have raised three wonderful young adults
and
now it's my time too.

With our breaking open
I once again began to see the man I fell in love with.
This man I recognize as
my one True Love.
My passion and love for him has been reignited.

Is our future sealed?
Absolutely not.
But what I am sure of is that
we will both do everything we can do to
Save Our Marriage.
From individual counseling, marriage counseling
to just as importantly
reprioritizing our marriage
to the top of our list.

I decided to write this post because
I want to move my
view of the betrayal
from feeling like a victim
to empowerment.

With this post
it is my intention
to move myself from continual blame and anger
to
making a plan of healing and rebuilding our marriage.

Because
the situation is what it is.
But I have the power to decide where I want to go from here.

I choose to summon my courage and personal power
to fight for what I have realized I truly want.

A passionate loving marriage.

I know the path to truly rebuilding our marriage
will be long and arduous.

I can foresee forgiveness
but
the rebuilding of trust
will be monumental.

But I suppose it took us a long time to get here
so
patience, love and grace
in large supply
will be needed to get us to
where we want our marriage to be.

I also know I am a big believer in
taking the pain
and
truly looking at it
to feel it
and
then
take every single lesson
and
silver lining the situation
has to teach.

(Believe me, ironically there have already been so very many.)
I now remember what it is to have passion.
I remember what it feels like
to be so excited and happy to see my husband.
Feelings that had been absolutely dormant for too many years.

I also want to be able to share what I have learned
and
how it helped me
to continue to
Grow My Soul.

I know I will be writing about this for quite some time
on and off.
Because
sharing here
authentically
and
connecting
is what I love most about my blog.

It helps me in a truly cathartic way
to get the pain out.

And if by my sharing
it helps even one person
on their life journey
then the sharing will have been worth it.

And maybe, just maybe
in 5 years I will be able to write
no matter how bad the pain
betrayal
saved our marriage
in that it
woke us both up to the fact
we still cared
passionately about each other.
And we were both so much the better for it.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life

Here are the monthly posts that followed

Picking Up the Pieces After Marital Betrayal

Marriage Betrayal and Silver Linings

One Year Later

San Diego Birthday Celebrations

Last week I got to travel down to San Diego

to celebrate my gorgeous girl turning 25!

I was up before the sun to get to the train station!

It's always my favorite way to travel when by myself.

In under two hours travel

the journey is a beauty!

And timing travel for the sunrise

is always spectacular!

This coastal train trip

is still one of my favorite Southern California travel tips!

On my walk from the train station

to Ellis's apartment

I found some early arriving peonies!

The perfect accompaniment to mimosas and birthday presents!

My daughter's birthday is always one of my favorites to celebrate.

Although she is definitely a full fledged successful adult now

she still possesses the sheer joyful excitement

for her birthday

that she had since she was a little girl.

It does this momma's heart good to know

that she and I will always have the deep bond and memories

of sharing her birthday together!

Each one full of joy and gratitude!

Our San Diego travel destination for the day was

North Park.

San Diego has so many different neighborhoods

each with their own personality!

If you'd like to see more San Diego lifestyle
Ellis has her own beautiful blog
The Ell Blog!

We lunched at the quaint Urban Solace Restaurant.

Known for it's bluegrass Sunday brunch

it was a perfect birthday lunch stop!

Afterwards it was shopping!

Ellis brought me to

Artelexia!

And what a lovely new find it was!

A gift store specializing in treasures from Mexico

I found some terrific and stylish

hand made chargers!

Of course we had to do pictures

outside of the fabulous Pigment store!

The pink wall was perfect for my Le Bel Age kimono!

My beautiful girl!

Coffee and talking ensued.

Then it was back downtown by a quick Uber

where there is always something new to discover ...

Like the rooftop bar at the newest Courtyard Marriott!

I had no idea that this brand could be so upscale

and

offer such incredible views of

San Diego's skyline!

My husband drove down and met us for a cocktail

Then we all met back up at

Ellis and Elliot's chic city apartment.

It was then back to North Park

to try out another of the many great restaurants.
Our choice for the birthday dinner celebration was
The Smoking Goat!
A 'classic to modern French bistro'.

All in all

it was such a wonderful day!

A reflective train ride down.

Time alone with my daughter

celebrating her 25 years!

Then dinner as a foursome.

I am finding more and more

how much there is to love about being a parent

of adult children.

I will be the first to admit

the transition from

full time mother