Picking Up The Pieces ... After A Marriage Betrayal


Today I am three months  into dealing with the aftermath of a
Marriage Betrayal
And what a ride it's been.
It's affected my physical and mental health so much
both kinds of doctor visits make up my weeks now.
I know it will take a village and so much time
to put myself back together.

But hopefully,  just hopefully
I am getting more clarity and more healing about our situation.

Enough clarity and healing
that I can spend more time focusing on the 
silver linings and lessons
and 
less time overcome with the heart wrenching pain of 
Betrayal.



The best 
Silver Lining 
has been my husband and I realizing that
we still passionately love each other.
We had literally been asleep at the wheel of our marriage
for almost a decade.

The kind of asleep
where a relationship is just  taken for granted.
and
falls not only down the list of life priorities
but 
almost all the way off.

Through weeks and weeks of real, honest and gut wrenching conversations
and 
marriage counseling
we have been able to begin to  see how we got 'there'.
Where we began to check out emotionally
rather than brave uncomfortable and honest conversations that needed to happen.

The fact that 
we can now talk honestly about 
anything and everything
is another silver lining.
The fact that my husband now values
talking about feelings and emotions
has been such a win out of this situation.

He and I have reprioritized our relationship to the top of our life list.



I finally feel a strong desire to move from the 
Surviving Betrayal Mode
to the 
Thriving After Betrayal Mode.

I am committed to finding all the
Silver Linings
and 
Lessons To Be Learned
from this situation.

Lessons about he and I together
and 
Lessons about each of us personally.
Digging deeper into who I really want to be
and
what I really want my life to look like.


I know the journey  to real healing
will still be a very long one
but with
 strong intent and vision
of where we want to go
 can be a strong and insightful
traveling partner on the road ahead.


I am highly invested in 
Self Care
even more so
these days.


From starting my mornings once again with
Coffee, Candles and Gratitude
before sunrise
to 
Daily Pilates and nature hikes.
Working on my wardrobe
calms me
and 
gives me something concrete
that I know I can control and totally effect.

And most importantly is giving myself a ton of 
Grace and Kindness
like never before.


I still can't accomplish things the way I used too
but for the first time since I 'found out'
I can begin to feel 
myself
ever so 
 slowly come back.

And  
hopefully it will be
a stronger
deeper
more insightful and loving
version of myself.



My darling daughter asked me last week
if I would rather have lived with the same marriage her Dad and I  had
for another 20 years
or
have gone through what we have
and 
come out the other side 
with the passionate and committed marriage we have now.


I can say now
almost 3 months into 
Picking Up The Pieces After A Marriage Betrayal
I can  say I would choose the change.
But a month or two ago I didn't even know if I could survive the heartbreak.
So time,  love and the commitment from my husband
and
 sincere love and  intent on both our ends
has me hopeful on the healing
and 
thriving front.


That being said
the real truth
 is also that some days
and
even moments
are so excruciatingly hard
I wouldn't wish a situation like this on my worst enemy.
Triggers that come out of no where
and
can have me feeling faint
and
 fighting panic attacks.
In an instant
I can go back to the mind numbing pain
of  this betrayal.


But as so many times in life
the situation now
is what it is.

So  for me
my life choice must be
to fight hard to make the best of our situation
and
pick up the pieces with love and grace.



Working daily to become the very best version of myself.
To drown myself in life's beauty.
To focus madly on the good and dear in life.
To push the good moments deep into my heart
never to be forgotten.

All the while accepting the pain when it arises.

I can acknowledge the pain
feel it
but
 I can alos teach myself not to live in it.




One of my favorite Fierce 50 Sisters and blogger
Anita By Design
left a comment on my Instagram
 that truly touched my heart.
Especially because Anita is walking through
an unbelievably hard life walk right now
with her dear husband's cancer.
She has handled her current life situation
with the utmost grace, courage and love
and
I am continuelly inspired by her.
If you want to be learn more about the beautiful inside and out
you can go here to Anita By Design.



Her comment was

"Yes my sister. 
There are lessons in the trials.
 If we will humble ourselves and pay attention,
God has beautiful treasures 
along the road to recovery.

 What some may perceive as 
tragedy
could very well be the event that
saves a marriage."

I am writing here today
not just about 
Marriage Betrayal
but the bigger issue that
life at one time or another
is hard on us all
so it is so important 
to learn to
dig deep
with courage and grace
as we move through life's trials.




One of my favorite quotes  and advice right now
that really strikes a cord with me
is by Nora Ephron

"Above all
be the Heroine of your life
not the victim.


Surrounding yourself with
strong, big hearted women
is pretty darn good advice too.




As always my friends

Wishing you love and joy
As you style your life








Linking with
Fashion Should Be Fun





20 comments:

  1. You are an amazingly strong and insightful person! I hope you encounter many more miracles on the road to recovery!

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  2. Dear Tamara, I too had a earth shattering up close encounter with infidelity just before my 20th wedding anniversary. I thought I had an unshakable relationship with my husband but for many of the reasons you relate, I found we were not invisible. As in your case, it shook me to the fiber of my being. We too, through counseling, prayer and soul to soul, long reaching conversations were able to heal 100%. We were gifted 10 more years with a love that deepened and matured with sprinkles of the passion we knew in our 20's. Sadly, my husband died unexpectedly 4 years ago, I thank GOD for the work He completed in both of us, I look fondly now on a love much appreciated. I pray you and your husband much love and commitment to your romance, with Many years more.

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  3. YOU CAN DO THIS!
    TIME IS A HEALING AGENT!!!!!!
    YOU just need to have PASSIONS......A LIFE basically so you both have something to share come nightfall at the dinner table!
    You have your FRIENDS,FAMILY, BLOG and JEWELS TO DESIGN........and THAT PILATES CLASS!
    YOU are ONE LUCKY GAL as your HUSBAND likes to snap your photos!!!!
    Not ALL HUSBANDS will do THAT!!!!!!
    YOU live in Southern California..........NO SNOW NO REAL COLD weather.......you have a FAMILY!!!!YOU have a GARDEN and YOU have your FOLLOWERS............AND YOU HAVE A DAM GOOD SENSE OF STYLE!Plus, you are just minutes away from SCP!!!!!!!!
    Suggestions.......just for FUN!
    Pop into his work with LUNCH for him.......YOU MAKE IT!
    HAVE A DELICIOUS DINNER awaiting his return on FRIDAY night instead of GOING OUT!!!!
    Invite people over for dinner and Fun conversation........
    Plan a VACATION TOGETHER!Could be a YEAR OUT......The planning is MORE FUN than the actual OUTING!
    YOU TAKE PHOTOS of HIM ON DATE NIGHT!
    There you go a few suggestions to toss a SPARK into the relationship..................
    LAST one come SPRING sleep outside in your TEEPEE..........BE WILD!
    HUGS..........DID you see the CREATOR of HILDIE on my BLOG?I think you may enjoy............especially the ORIGINAL drawing from 1983!!!!!!!!!!!XOXOXOXOX
    P.S.YES WE ARE GOOD!!!!!

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  4. was heart broken to hear this part of your story, yet you continue to inspire me with your heart felt writing, your honesty, and your stunning outfits! You have a beautiful family and you have touched me with your journey and the reminder to self care! Thank you! Kathryn K

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  5. Tread carefully, Tamera. Concentrate on you.
    Much Love
    Lizer Pearl

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  6. I am so pleased to read your husband is going to counselling with you, and that you are rediscovering your passion together. It can be done - I know from experience! You are very busy now, extra commitments, but you are very aware of self-care. My heart goes out to you, but so happy to see your beautiful face is a little more relaxed in these gorgeous pictures. xxx

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  7. "I am working to become the very best version of myself"...you repeat this many time in your posting.
    it thought me provoking. Don't push yourself in that way. Have you ever allowed yourself "Im am what I am, I am OK"?....and I guess you are OK as your husband is. My advise would be, don't look to deep (without working on your situation) and cause a new problem. Forget and forgive what' s happened and enjoy together your future

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  8. I love the way you work through things. I love reading your entries, looking at your clothes, and being inspired by you. I know this has been a crushing blow, but I like seeing the way you're rising.

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  9. Tamera, you are strong and wise. It's so easy to walk away from a marrriage, which is why some take that route. It takes courage and "heart" work to fight for what you believe is valuable. The journey you're on is an investment that will engage every part of your being (as you're already experiencing). After you have endured the process, in the end, you and your husband will experience the most beautiful marriage, so much better than before. Blessings to you both. I smile and rejoice at what is to come.

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  10. Hugs and Kisses your way, it is thru our suffering that we come to the truth of love and compassion for ourselves and others.

    Melissa

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  11. That you've both been able to be so honest and talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, and he's opened up--so hard for men to do--is such a valuable thing and a good sign. It took time to get where you found yourselves two months ago, and it will take time to get things back to where you're trusting and not feeling vulnerable and shaky. If you both make one another a priority, it's amazing how many little things each day will once more become a solid foundation. xoxoxo, Brenda

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  12. My God Tamera. You are SO strong and gracious. I'm, afraid to admit I don't think I could do this. I don't think I would be strong enough. I don't think I could be forgiving enough. I don't think I could forgive and not forget. I just don't think I would be as gracious and compassionate as you are. You are an amazing woman Tamera

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  13. I am also walking the path you are on, be gentle with yourself. The fog is slowly lifting for me.

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  14. Dear Tamera, What a shock to come to your blog and read the headline of betrayal. I have always looked to you for the most fabulous style and an attitude that is full of the joy of life. I understood that your husband was the one who was taking all those gorgeous photos and was therefore fully appreciating his partner in life. I now feel very upset for the grief and hurt that has been caused. BUT, in true Tamera style, you are coming through! Go slowly and gently so that you end up with more gain than loss.
    Sending you love. Rx.

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  15. Amazing story. I had a much less painful glitch in my marriage. Now my husband of 38 years and I have a fantastic relationship and like you the sex gets better and better. You just have to face all your stuff and take responsibility for what went wrong.

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  16. Tamera - as always, I’m in awe of your ability to share such a personal tribulation. You articulate so beautifully the ups and downs of coming to terms with a new reality and challenging process of rebuilding your marriage. Because of your story I’ve taken a hard look at my own marriage and a few changes have been made! Wishing you continued strength on this journey. xo

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  17. Sometimes I felt that my husband has been unfaithful to me, and that was destroying my trust on him. I thought damaged trust is difficult to repair, but now I think it’s not impossible for me to forgive, forget and start my life freshly with him to live a good life!

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  18. For the sake of fixing the problems, let us look at how the marriage has deteriorated so that we can have a beginning point for building it back up.click here now

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  19. You are such an inspiring and wise woman! Divorce is never easy, but you must remember that you are strong and capable of getting through anything! You should just make one more step and everything will be fine again! You'll feel grateful for everything what happened with you. And even for divorce. Sounds ridiculous? But that's true, believe me...

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