Marriage Betrayal and Silver Linings

Today marks the 4th month 
since I found out about 

I decided in the beginning 
to write 
once a month
about our situation.

In part to document  this journey
for myself.

In another part
to help others
as soon as 
the betrayal was revealed to me
my first question 
to myself
 then to my doctor
was ...

How does anyone
 survive  betrayal.
Especially after being married 30 years.

At that time I wasn't even interested in
how does a marriage survive
I hurt so bad inside
I thought I might truly die
of a broken heart.

I had panic attacks
with the most servere
chest pains
with feelings of drifting off to a place
where I wouldn't even exist.
I truly thought I was loosing my mind.

I also had huge fears at the time 
of dying of
 a heart attack or stroke.

It was so bad I ended up
with full batteries of tests
including cardiologist visits.

The good news is I got a clean bill of physical health.
I will never again underestimate
the power and interconnectedness
of body and mind.

Which brings me to this post title

The Silver Linings of Betrayal

Because like so many times in life
you look really hard
you can find much good
in the very, very bad.

Off the top
I have lost 20 pounds during this ordeal.
I would like to take credit
with a healthful plan here
but most of the loss occurred 
during the very first 6 weeks 
that were such hell
I wouldn't wish that kind of weight loss on anyone.

I was a complete mess
could neither eat 
even worse
sleep evaded me.
There was no escaping the brutal truth.

But fast forward to now
 I have been able to 
implement so many healthful habits
both physical and mental.

I have continues to hike in nature
I have added 4-5 days of Pilates to my routine.
I am up to the level 2 reformer classes.

What I love most about Pilates
is that it is so new to me
I have to so completely focus on learning new movements
I can't think of anything else.
Such a gift during difficult times.

I have also been more cognitive
of the food I put in my body.
I have once again added
the Glowing Green Smoothies 
back into my weekly mornings.
I wrote about them HERE.

There was such a breaking open
it has me digging deeper
to ask myself
what is it
that I really want out of
my life
body, mind and soul.

As far as our marriage goes
Jeff and I are l
closer than ever.

We can talk about anything now with each other.
A total change from before the  November revelation.

We are both still  in  individual counseling
as well as
marriage counseling.
We spend time reading together
our own copies of
After the Affair.
Which is a book that addresses
the need for both parties to heal from the betrayal.

As I have said in every post I have written about the betrayal
here and here
I do not take responsibility for the deed
but I do totally see how 
we had both sowed seeds for trouble
by not making our marriage a priority.

By not looking at my part in the betrayal
I remain a powerless victim.
By examining my own role in the actual years
in it's making
I not only take my power back
but I can whole heartedly
make changes in our marriage.

I know to actually make our marriage successful
after this situation
it will take the both of us
completely committed to learning
how we got there
learning how to make  a new and more loving

Looking back
I know I had settled into 
even worse
truly believing
that our joyless 
almost sexless marraiage
was what marriage after 30 years 
looked and felt like.

Looking back 
I cringe 
that I accepted 
what we had.

But I guess it once again goes back to 

You have to know better
to do better.

And if I can share anything
let it be

Marriage after 30 years 
truly can 
be passionate and fulfilling.

Coming  at marriage properly
you can work so that the long history you have together
can be a binding force
which creates a deeper, stronger connection.

But without a strong focused intention on both sides
those years together
can turn against you.

Where there becomes a mental collection of 
both big and small over the years
that can cloud out the love and respect in a marriage.
Which makes it all too easy to begin
to check out mentally and emotionally.

Which is why as horrific the hurt 
of the betrayal 
has been
 in that it was a 
violent explosion  of  our marriage
that blew things apart with such force.

The explosion
made us open all of the boxes of the past
to ask ourselves
each other
how we got there.

I feel in the aftermath
we are able to sift through the emotional carnage
pick up and save 
the beauty and love of our past.
(hopefully some day
the pain won't be such a tainting force).

One of the biggest
Silver Linings of Betrayal
has been 
realizing the love 
we actually do have for each other.
A love 
that had gotten buried under so much of
just getting through life
 the raising of children.

We had made the mistake early on
in raising children
of putting them first
our marriage.

It is more of a wonder 
that we made it as far as we did
without breaking open.

I told myself I would never give my children 
marriage advice now
but the one thing I do 
know now
is that I have to put
 God/Higher Power first
then marriage
then children.

It's never to late to learn.

Another great
 Silver Lining After Betrayal
that our sex life has never, ever been better.

there is nothing like being 
sexually betrayed
that gets you 
to really look and question
your own sexual self.

And then question
what  do you really want your sex life to be.

For me
I know that I felt bad
 focused immensely
 about my perceived
body imperfections
and that
definitely had me holding back.

I am now teaching myself to not only make peace with
the body I have today
also to focus on all it can do
begin to let go of
cultural stereotypes of perfection.
I am committed to 
learning to love 
the body I have today.

So my advice to anyone 
would be to figure it out ahead of the curve
what you want  your sex life to be
have your life blow up before you 

Learning to truly 
love ourselves
makes us so much more able
to love others fully.

I don't know if we would have  made the changes
 in our sex  life
if we hadn't gotten to such a candid 
emotionally raw  and
spot in our marriage.

I  personally had to truly learn
the importance of
loving myself and my body
as I am today.

Silver Linings.

All of this talk about
Silver Linings After Betrayal
 makes it sound 
everything is all good and new now.

It's not.

Some days are more of a struggle for me than others.

The worst thing I do to myself
is during a string of good days
is to think
Oh I have gotten through this emotional chasm
roller coaster ride!
I am all good now!!

I am not.

It only takes an ominous trigger
to take me down like a crashing wave,

But these days
I am
so much stronger
to get  myself up
brush myself off
continue forward
the very best of
what lessons there are to be
learned on this journey
any good to be found.

So much of deciding to thrive in life
is giving yourself
picking yourself up
as many times as it takes
brushing yourself off
with the mental clarity and intent
of being determined 
to make the most out of each day.

I think it is so important 
to take the time to 
on every good there is in a day.
It's even more important
during life's hard journeys.

I am feeling stronger
in the direction our marriage is taking.

But  truth be told
I am left with the aftermath of the emotional trauma
that has left me even more 
anxiety ridden 
than before.

So I am 
not only committed to making our marrige
the absolute best it can be

But I am doubling down 
in my commitment
to my own 
Mental Health.
Because on this journey
of marriage betrayal
I have realized 
how important
Mental Health
truly is
how fleeting it can feel at times.

And in closing
 boy have I  learned
so much more
for the pain of others.

I never had any idea of what this felt like
but now on this side of knowledge
I want so much to be able to help others
navigate their roads of pain
to learn the importance of
Self Love.

My heart is so much larger than it use to be.

And what a 
Silver Lining that is.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life.

La Serena Villas - Palm Springs California

We were recently back at my vey favorite 
Palm Springs Hotel

It was our third time at the property
I was wondering if it would be as good as I remembered ...

It definitely was.
There are beautiful aesthetics around every corner
of this stunning 
Palm Springs property.

Chairs that just call out for pictures!

One of my very favorite things about Palm Springs is always ...
the dressing up!
Packing for a trip to this desert destination
always calls for happy, glamorous choices in my book!

Like this vintage 'Hostess Dress'
that I scored on my last Palm Spring visit for a song!
The fabulous appliques are just as dramatic on the back of the dress!
Craftsmanship that I don't find very often.

Back to the wonderful
these swinging chairs are still one of my favorite things to see!

New to us this visit was this fresh and fab 
Welcome Tray!
Tequila shots with the cutest fixings!
I am definitely not a shots kind of gal
but I did make an exception for this  festive welcome!

How absolutely dreamy is our room!
When staying at
I have to say
they have what feels like a wide variety of room sizes.
Be sure to check before you book.
This was room number 17
which I would highly reccomend
would definitely stay away from 11 or 12
which were what felt like half the size.
We have also stayed in room number 9 which was nice
but didn't have the ultra romantic canopy,
but it did have a walk in closet which was pretty fab!
You can see room 9  HERE .

My handsome photographer who lovingly takes my wardrobe shots!

A road trip also means I can pack more friends!

All of these furniture pieces make my heart sing!
I noticed this week that Anthropologie now carries this dresser in various sizes!

How about this gorgeous claw foot tub
in this ultra spacious bathroom 
complete with a huge shower as well!

The private outdoor courtyards
are another reason that La Serena Villas 
is such a favorite of mine!

The gas fireplaces are divine in the chilly early mornings
as well as star gazing at tnight.

Each courtyard also comes with yes,
a claw foot tub outside as well!

Early mornings by the pool are also  a favorite of mine!

For breakfast you can have a complimentary picnic basket delivered to 
your room or the pool.
It's a lovely and relaxing way to start your day!

As are these double loungers by the pool!

What I did forget when I packed
but always highly recommend for traveling and poolside

Turbans always make such a perfect and easy, stylish finish.
I am now going to have to truly make myself a packing list!

This fabulous deck upstairs their 
 is another great spot for coffee or drinks.
At night the market lights come on
for instant ambiance
for their inspired dinner service!

This view!!

The upstairs Azucar Restaurant Lounge.

There is downstairs breakfast, lunch and dinner service as well
in the Freida Room
at the

This macrame rope curtain has me on a hunt
to find one for my bedroom!

Photo opts abound
on the

I hope you have enjoyed getting a peek into
La Serena Villas
 in the almost always sunny
Palm Springs California.
this property is definitely one of my favorite
Palm Springs Destinations!

And thank you 
 for another remarkable stay!

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life

Linking With
Style Crone

The Importance of Self Love

I am writing this today on 
Valentine's Day
The Day to Celebrate Love.

This year I come to this day
with a different perspective.

If you have been reading my blog recently
you know already that 
I have been living through the ramifications of
Marriage Betrayal.
So Valentine's Day feels different to me today.

Not in a bitter
want nothing to do with the day kind of feeling.

Rather with a deeper understanding of the need of
Self Love
first in a relationship.

In the last three months
I have done so much 
Soul Searching
asking myself in so many different ways
How did I ever end up 
after 30 years of marriage
What had happened to the true love that we 
had both been so strongly invested in
within  our relationship.

And as I have said in my very first post about 
the betrayal
I am in no way saying I had in responsibility in the cheating
I am smart enough to know
that I need to take responsibility
in searching for answers
as to how we ever sowed the  path to betryal.

It has been a path so dark since the discovery
I often wondered if I would ever get through.
to be completely honest 
there are still days full of  such darkness
but thankfully they move on much more quickly.

And there is something quite profound with the passing of the darkness.
There is often a pristine  light of clarity
that is revealed in it's aftermath.

One of the true realizations I have had
is the utmost importance of 
Self Love.

Without Self Love first in a relationship
I realized
I was always looking to my husband for 
validation on some level.

(and getting so hardened and bitter
when I didn't immediately get the response I was looking for)

When  I should have been looking in 
my own 
Heart and Soul
for validation and worth.
I need to take charge of my own opinion of myself.

Because when we look outside of ourselves
for worth and validation
we give away our own 
power and worth.

And put a huge burden on another.

I have realized through this very brutal process
that for me to be truly bring my best version of myself
to my marriage
I need to first
Self Love
 Self Care.

I have to find my own inner balance.

I must first come from a place of
Love and Grace 
for myself
so that I can love others fully.

I have often written here on my blog about 
Self Care
(you can enter Self Care in the search button on the left side
to bring up the various posts)

To me 
Self Love and Self Care
go hand in hand.

One can't fully exist without the other.

I am highly invested in both these days
as I know
my husband and I have to bring our best selves
back to our marriage 
if we are going to make it through this devastation
onto a deeper, more loving 
version of our marriage.

Everyday we are making our marriage a priority
doing everything we can
to not only repair the damage done
but to build the strongest, most stable foundation
of love and trust going forward.

Self love
is such a crucial 
building block in this process.

So this Valentine's Day
I hope we all realize how very important
Self Love
is in deep and loving relationships.
And the importance in investing in true
Self Care.

Sending out much
Valentine Love 
to each of you
no matter the day!

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life
Crown Yourself

Linking with

Picking Up The Pieces ... After A Marriage Betrayal

Today I am three months  into dealing with the aftermath of a
Marriage Betrayal
And what a ride it's been.
It's affected my physical and mental health so much
both kinds of doctor visits make up my weeks now.
I know it will take a village and so much time
to put myself back together.

But hopefully,  just hopefully
I am getting more clarity and more healing about our situation.

Enough clarity and healing
that I can spend more time focusing on the 
silver linings and lessons
less time overcome with the heart wrenching pain of 

The best 
Silver Lining 
has been my husband and I realizing that
we still passionately love each other.
We had literally been asleep at the wheel of our marriage
for almost a decade.

The kind of asleep
where a relationship is just  taken for granted.
falls not only down the list of life priorities
almost all the way off.

Through weeks and weeks of real, honest and gut wrenching conversations
marriage counseling
we have been able to begin to  see how we got 'there'.
Where we began to check out emotionally
rather than brave uncomfortable and honest conversations that needed to happen.

The fact that 
we can now talk honestly about 
anything and everything
is another silver lining.
The fact that my husband now values
talking about feelings and emotions
has been such a win out of this situation.

He and I have reprioritized our relationship to the top of our life list.

I finally feel a strong desire to move from the 
Surviving Betrayal Mode
to the 
Thriving After Betrayal Mode.

I am committed to finding all the
Silver Linings
Lessons To Be Learned
from this situation.

Lessons about he and I together
Lessons about each of us personally.
Digging deeper into who I really want to be
what I really want my life to look like.

I know the journey  to real healing
will still be a very long one
but with
 strong intent and vision
of where we want to go
 can be a strong and insightful
traveling partner on the road ahead.

I am highly invested in 
Self Care
even more so
these days.

From starting my mornings once again with
Coffee, Candles and Gratitude
before sunrise
Daily Pilates and nature hikes.
Working on my wardrobe
calms me
gives me something concrete
that I know I can control and totally effect.

And most importantly is giving myself a ton of 
Grace and Kindness
like never before.

I still can't accomplish things the way I used too
but for the first time since I 'found out'
I can begin to feel 
ever so 
 slowly come back.

hopefully it will be
a stronger
more insightful and loving
version of myself.

My darling daughter asked me last week
if I would rather have lived with the same marriage her Dad and I  had
for another 20 years
have gone through what we have
come out the other side 
with the passionate and committed marriage we have now.

I can say now
almost 3 months into 
Picking Up The Pieces After A Marriage Betrayal
I can  say I would choose the change.
But a month or two ago I didn't even know if I could survive the heartbreak.
So time,  love and the commitment from my husband
 sincere love and  intent on both our ends
has me hopeful on the healing
thriving front.

That being said
the real truth
 is also that some days
even moments
are so excruciatingly hard
I wouldn't wish a situation like this on my worst enemy.
Triggers that come out of no where
can have me feeling faint
 fighting panic attacks.
In an instant
I can go back to the mind numbing pain
of  this betrayal.

But as so many times in life
the situation now
is what it is.

So  for me
my life choice must be
to fight hard to make the best of our situation
pick up the pieces with love and grace.

Working daily to become the very best version of myself.
To drown myself in life's beauty.
To focus madly on the good and dear in life.
To push the good moments deep into my heart
never to be forgotten.

All the while accepting the pain when it arises.

I can acknowledge the pain
feel it
 I can alos teach myself not to live in it.

One of my favorite Fierce 50 Sisters and blogger
Anita By Design
left a comment on my Instagram
 that truly touched my heart.
Especially because Anita is walking through
an unbelievably hard life walk right now
with her dear husband's cancer.
She has handled her current life situation
with the utmost grace, courage and love
I am continuelly inspired by her.
If you want to be learn more about the beautiful inside and out
you can go here to Anita By Design.

Her comment was

"Yes my sister. 
There are lessons in the trials.
 If we will humble ourselves and pay attention,
God has beautiful treasures 
along the road to recovery.

 What some may perceive as 
could very well be the event that
saves a marriage."

I am writing here today
not just about 
Marriage Betrayal
but the bigger issue that
life at one time or another
is hard on us all
so it is so important 
to learn to
dig deep
with courage and grace
as we move through life's trials.

One of my favorite quotes  and advice right now
that really strikes a cord with me
is by Nora Ephron

"Above all
be the Heroine of your life
not the victim.

Surrounding yourself with
strong, big hearted women
is pretty darn good advice too.

As always my friends

Wishing you love and joy
As you style your life

Linking with
Fashion Should Be Fun