First off
I really dread writing these posts.
Not because we aren't doing better.
We are.
But because they are a continual reminder
of one of the most painful events in my life.
Which means
they remind me of my own vulnerability.
But they are also a reminder of how far Jeff and I have come
over the last ten months.
It obviously takes a team effort
to not only survive marital betrayal
but come out stronger for it.
over the last ten months.
It obviously takes a team effort
to not only survive marital betrayal
but come out stronger for it.
Writing although painful reminds me how hard
Jeff and I have
Jeff and I have
and
continue to work
to restore strength and vitality
to our marriage.
We will celebrate our 31st anniversary this week
and
I can't believe how far we have come since last year.
It was only last year celebrating our 30th
that I was wondering if 30 years might be indeed long enough to be married.
And that was before I knew about the betrayal.
Sometimes
awful, ugly things have to happen
before you both realize
just how much you really do love each other.
Marriage is hard.
Being married for a long time can lead as it did in our case
to becoming complacent.
To taking each other for granted.
As horrible as being broken open to the core actually is
sometimes
it can give you an opportunity to put the pieces back togehter
in a way that is so much better than before.
Our road doing that has been long and hard
on both of us.
And in case anyone was wondering
I never publish any of our story
without letting Jeff read it first.
Writing and sharing our story
in the hopes of helping others
definitely comes second to repairing
our own marriage.
We will celebrate our 31st anniversary this week
and
I can't believe how far we have come since last year.
It was only last year celebrating our 30th
that I was wondering if 30 years might be indeed long enough to be married.
And that was before I knew about the betrayal.
Sometimes
awful, ugly things have to happen
before you both realize
just how much you really do love each other.
Marriage is hard.
Being married for a long time can lead as it did in our case
to becoming complacent.
To taking each other for granted.
As horrible as being broken open to the core actually is
sometimes
it can give you an opportunity to put the pieces back togehter
in a way that is so much better than before.
Our road doing that has been long and hard
on both of us.
And in case anyone was wondering
I never publish any of our story
without letting Jeff read it first.
Writing and sharing our story
in the hopes of helping others
definitely comes second to repairing
our own marriage.
I think writing almost seems harder these days
because
the betrayal is no longer front and center
in my life.
More often than not
it only comes up briefly each day
and
some days not at all.
Which means to have to stop and check in on
'the situation'
can sometimes feel like a harsh sting.
But I promised myself
I would journal this process for one year
in the hopes that our journey can help others.
I remember when I first found out about the betrayal
I was so scared and hurt my only question was
'How does anyone survive'
and
I wasn't talking about marriage.
in the hopes that our journey can help others.
I remember when I first found out about the betrayal
I was so scared and hurt my only question was
'How does anyone survive'
and
I wasn't talking about marriage.
So in hopes of helping someone else
in their time of need
here goes.
in their time of need
here goes.
Our last therapy sessions was one of
my favorites.
After being told by our therapist 6 weeks ago
that he thought we had made such tremendous progress
(as in he had never had a couple as committed to change
and
healing
and that in
his opinion we were good not to continue therapy).
I wasn't comfortable not to return
so we scheduled our last therapy session
for a month out.
And I am so grateful we did.
During the month that we didn't go
Jeff and I began to have disagreements
once a week.
They all started off the same way
were circular and nonproductive in nature.
Just an ugly repetitive dance of words and emotions.
I started to realize
I was stuck in anger and resentment
of the betrayal.
Life had gotten so complicated with other family issues
like my mother dying and it's vast impact
to my oldest son choosing once again to estrange himself
and
even the joyous marriage of my youngest son
and
their move to San Diego.
It all just left me feeling overwhelmed.
So I think I began to vent at what was an easy target.
I began to loose sight of what I wanted our marriage to be
and
began to settle into true resentment and anger.
The silver linings began to be something I couldn't feel.
I knew I need to make a change.
I once again pulled out my books about
healing after betrayal.
I saw that I wasn't doing my part as well
as I had in the beginning.
I could also recognize
Jeff was still showing up
even though my angry words
could have easily sent a weaker man packing for sure.
Who knows
maybe on some level a part of me was testing him.
If I no longer came to our marriage invested every day
in loving intent
in loving intent
and
showed up angry and ugly
would it all be over.
It wasn't.
And I was ever so grateful we still had a standing therapy appointment.
Because we both definitely needed the help.
Jeff was getting frusterated
and
I felt like I was in the process of unraveling so much of the
loving progress we were making.
In that session
I was able to truly verbalize how angry and resentful I was
and
talk about my trust issues
calmly
respectfully
honestly.
Our therapist suggested Jeff
'check in with me once a day
on how I was feeling about our 'situation'
And Bingo
I felt like a light went off in my head.
My anger and resentment
wasn't as much about the
betrayal itself anymore
but
it was more about how I still had to deal with
the ramifications everyday.
The fear that would arise
with the smallest of triggers.
The fear that would arise
with the smallest of triggers.
I had falsely believed we had gotten through it ...
but I still had to deal with my life
and
and
still feeling so broken.
I realized the person who was putting the most pressure on me
to 'put this all behind us'
was me.
I had thought I needed to stop talking about it
which just made the small triggers
build up until they exploded messily
in anger and rage.
Since our session several weeks ago
Jeff checks in daily
in earnest effort
and
I share with him how I'm feeling that day.
That simple change
makes me realize we are definitely in 'this' together
and
it's not all on my shoulders to get behind me.
We both are able to talk about how regaining trust
will be a process
but we are both committed for the long haul.
Another important take away from our last session
was
it is my responsibility to know
I will be alright with or without Jeff.
It might sound harsh at first
but it's so true.
I need to do all the work
that makes me feel whole
I need that not only for my own piece of mind
but as much for our marriage.
As the hurt partner
I don't ever want to feel
like it's Jeff's entire responsibility to
'make me whole again'.
It is definitely my job as well.
It took two of us to get 'there'
It definitely takes the both of us
to get where we want to go.
And one thing I do know for sure
we are both doing our very best to
get there!
Of course there are great days
and
some days that are not so great.
But like so many times in life
it's continual steps in the right direction
that can get you there.
I know it is still a long road
but I know long journies
are all about one step at a time.
I have also learned never to take relationships for granted.
Especially
the very important ones.
I know it is still a long road
but I know long journies
are all about one step at a time.
I have also learned never to take relationships for granted.
Especially
the very important ones.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joy
as you style your life
I wish you love and joy
as you style your life
Here are my other writings on the subject ~
