Surviving Marital Betrayal




I have been quiet here on my blog of late.

Quiet because what I have been dealing with the last almost 8 weeks
has been much too painful to share.
It has been a pain so deep
I literally thought I would loose my mind.

But now not sharing it seems dishonest.
Like I am carrying a shame
and
it feels paralyzing and stifling.
Like I can't break through of the ugly, ugly truth.
That my silence makes me have to
 pretend to be
someone
I no longer am.


You see I have been dealing with
marital betrayal.
His not mine.
and
 it has changed me to my core.

My life changed on November 6th of this year
when the truth began to come out.

I can look on my Instagram of November 5th
and 
recognize 
who I used to be.

I see a women who was solid in her stride
totally oblivious to the damage that had been perpetrated against her.




It is a pain that seems to grow  with time
with the deepening knowledge that
marriage betrayal
becomes part of your life history.

It sometimes feels like it takes on a life of it's own.
Triggers, heartbreak and rage
seeping out
of what at times
feels like the deep, dark blue.


I was only here on my blog
looking back
to pull pictures for my yearly Wardrobe Recap
Going back over the last year
and 
seeing our
Date Nights
was like a knife to my heart
making breathing even a chore.


I never had any idea how devastating and shattering
marriage betrayal could be.
When I look at posts about our 30th Anniversary
I am sickened and humiliated
wondering if the pain will ever subside.


Not that our marriage was perfect by any means.
We had settled into a passionless day to day
that itself felt stifling.
A marriage where we were all too comfortable sleeping in separate rooms.
Our lives  only overlapping mainly on Friday nights.


I  even remember before our 30th anniversary in September
thinking if being married 30 years might just be indeed enough.
When my wedding ring
got a tear in the back
I was actually relieved to take it off.


But I also knew
 I didn't want to destroy our family
and
  our three adult children.
We won't be leaving any of them with a large inheritence
I wanted to at least leave them with a stable home life.


I think I believed that our marriage 
was what being married 30 years looked like.
Boring.
Disconnected.
Comfortable.
Safe.
Responsible.


Even with this situation
I never really belived
Betrayal by my husband was possible.
(Although
I did have my suspicions.
I started  asking some questions
because my intuition 
made me.)


But when I found out the actual truth.
It felt surreal.
How could this really be happening to
me.


By the man I had been absolutely loyal to for
31 years in total.
Not a perfect wife by any means
but
 a loyal one to a fault.


I had stopped my career as a fashion accessory designer
to dedicate myself to our family.
Did I over invest in my children
at the expense of my marriage
in hindsight
most likely.

I would definitely counsel others to do marriage and family differently.
But by saying that
I am in no way taking blame for betrayal.
But I would be a fool if I didn't take the time
to figure out how we got here.



I believe by only unwinding the road that got us here
will we have any chance at repairing the marriage.


Because
we both desperately want to stay together in a passionate quality marriage.


I also believe my husband is a good man
who made a terrible, soul crushing mistake.
If I didn't truly believe that
we would have been over November 6th.
As bad as his betrayal was
he has handled the aftermath with character, courage and integrity
never once backing away from taking responsibility
for what he has done.
I wouldn't be staying otherwise.


These last almost 8 weeks have been such an intense rollercoaster of emotions
from the predictable anger and rage
emotional devestation and shattering
to more surprising
a breaking open from the inside out.
A breaking out of self imposed rules and personas
on both sides.


He also began to change in a way
without his betrayal
he might never have.


My breaking open
made me realize that
I too deserved a passionate,  joyful life.
That I have raised three wonderful young adults
and
now it's my time too.


With our breaking open
I once again began to see the man I fell in love with.
This man I recognize as
my one True Love.
My passion and love for him has been reignited.


Is our future sealed?
Absolutely not.
But what I am sure of is that
we will both do everything we can do to
Save Our Marriage.
From individual counseling, marriage counseling
to just as importantly
reprioritizing our marriage
to the top of our list.



I decided to write this post because
I want to move my
 view of the betrayal
from feeling like a victim
to empowerment.

With this post
it is my intention
to move myself from continual blame and anger
to
making a plan of healing and rebuilding our marriage.

Because
the situation is what it is.
But I have the power to decide where I want to go from here.

I choose to summon my courage and personal power
to fight for what I have realized I truly want.

A passionate loving marriage.

I know the path to truly  rebuilding our marriage
 will be long and arduous.

I can foresee forgiveness
but
the rebuilding of trust
will be monumental.


But I suppose it took us a long time to get here
so
patience, love and grace
in large supply
will be needed to get us to
where we want our marriage to be.


I also know I am a big believer in
taking the pain
and
truly looking at it
to feel it
and
then
take every single lesson
and
silver lining the situation
has to teach.

(Believe me, ironically there have already been  so very many.)
I now remember what it is to have passion.
I remember what it feels like
to be so excited and happy to see my husband.
Feelings that had been absolutely dormant for too many years.


I  also want to be able to  share what I have learned
and
how it helped me
to continue to
Grow My Soul.




I know I will be writing about this for quite some time
on and off.
Because
sharing  here 
authentically
and
connecting
is what I love most about my blog.

It helps me in a truly cathartic way
to get the pain out.

And if by my sharing
it helps  even one person
on their life journey
then the sharing will have been worth it.


And maybe, just maybe
in 5 years I will be able to write
no matter how bad the pain
betrayal
 saved our marriage
in that it
 woke us both up to the fact
we still cared
 passionately about each other.
And we were both so much the better for it.




As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life












46 comments:

  1. Tamera, as always I love the way you write, your photos are a feast to the eyes. Thank you for your courage to write and share your story... the story of so many couples, so many marriages, more than people care to admit. As I have gone through myself exactly what you just went - and still are going through. And please do never listen to the "negative" people (mostly women) that will say: how dare of you to stay and even forgive. It is your life... your love... your marriage... your life / love story... your family... therefore do not listen to ANYONE but only to your heart and soul. If you feel like, and need someone to write to, please DM me. I know your pain, so I understand it. And yes, forgive and continue to add on to your life / love story... picture yourself on a rocking chair, at 90, and looking back at your life!!! Sending you nourishing hugs. Gigi

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  2. Brave girl. Incredibly brave. And powerful. I salute you and look forward to reading about your progress. I’m so very sorry. Not where you thought you’d be but there are lots of success stories following betrayal. All you both can do is the work moving forward. You have a lot going for you. This is so beautifully written. I am proud of you. Out to get what you want. Courageous and fierce. Go girl!

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  3. I am so deeply impressed by your openness and honesty. I have found that of the blogs I read, the ones in which the writer shows her vulnerable/imperfect side are the ones that touch me the most deeply. I am truly in awe of your sharing of such a deeply personal and painful topic and I wish you and your family healing and peace for your life moving forward.

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  4. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but I know you both can come out the other end, with patience and determination. Your openness and vulnerability are so impressive. He's a lucky man.

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  5. Wow. Big hugs as you navigate this terrain. You seem to be experiencing a reawakening along with the turmoil. I hope this powers you through.

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  6. Wow, I am so impressed with your openness. That takes guts and courage. I know you'll come through this with self knowledge and growth. I'm so glad to hear you're going for counseling. I'm sure with your sensitivity and courage you will come out of this a bigger and better person.

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  7. Tamera, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You demonstrate such courage by being so open and sharing your pain and hope. It sounds as if you both are open and willing to work and rebuild your marriage. I'm sure you'll come through this stronger than ever. Sending you big hugs and much love!

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  8. Your post has touched me to my core. Such a shocking and painful experience. Thank you for your courage in sharing. Having experienced a similar episode in my life at a much younger age I will say that you both can come through the other side with a stronger marriage, but more importantly each of you will be stronger individuals. Please know that the pain will subside, but it will take a long time.

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  9. Thank you, Tamera...for your beautiful, clear, open and compelling writing. The story is shared by many, although the turn and journey to healing as a couple is refreshing, honest, challenging and, indeed, returning you both to that place where deep true love was present every day. Sending all positive thoughts for you two as your journey moves along. I look forward to reading more of the story and process as you openly share on your blog.

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  10. Oh, my dear, a mammoth hug to you from afar. With your incredible bravery and honesty, you have already plumbed the pain for the silver lining. Remember your dear daughter is watching you...and you are showing her how to be a strong, incredible woman. ♥️♥️♥️

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  11. So many women will find you because they see themselves reflected in your story. Your pain and anguish, while it is yours alone, it will speak to their pain and marriage betrayal. I lift you up in prayer and ask God to give you strength, trust and understanding and to make your path straight as you seek healing. Brenda

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  12. God bless you Tamera. It takes courage and strength to move forward and choose to try to work things through.
    Years ago, I went through the same thing but I took a different path. It was right for me and my circumstances. I pray for peace for you. You are a strong woman.
    xx
    Barb

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  13. I see the words of a brave woman before me, one who has been able to recognise her true feelings despite the turmoil of confused emotion. The choice you have made reveals your strength, and I can understand how sharing where you are right now is the only option for someone who needs to be true to her heart. I wish you well on this unexpected journey. Big hugs x.

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  14. Hugs to you sweet friend! I admire you so much for your courage, bravery and transparency here. I will keep you both in prayer as you do the hard work of reconciliation. What a treasure you are and I am so thankful for this community of support that has gathered to cheer you on!

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  15. GOBSMACKED! I would have been totally blindsided by this and certainly would not have had your strength to come to terms with it. I am in awe of you! I had a very close friend whose husband was caught cheating. The diamond bracelet she found in his sock draw was the clue...she thought it was her Christmas present...and then it wasn't. My friend started checking the phone caller ID and messages on her husbands electronic devices. She checked the bank records...and the trips that were suppose to be for business. He had a mistress and paid for her swanky apartment in a high rent area in Chicago. Many trips to exotic destinations that were suppose to be for business. It was a deep, hurtful betrayal. I remember sitting in her van and watching the doors of the mistress's building. It was late at night. When my friend saw her she gunned her car and headed straight toward her. I had to fight for the steering wheel and control of her van. She lost it! She called his work and every one of his co-workers to tell them what he had done. My friend did not cope as well as you and it was a long rode back. My friend was a nurse and had some security on her own, but she also had three young boys. She stayed because of the children. I remember the pain, the heartbreak, and the struggle. I am hoping with all my heart that your experience will be easier. You have kept your head about you and seem to be taking this punch-in-the-gut standing on two feet with shoulders back and spine straight. You have a creative talent and great beauty. It is your big heart and clear head that will lead the way. I admire that and how you can look at your anger, hold it, and then set boundaries for it. I am in awe.

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  16. Hey Tamera,

    As promised, I wanted to be sure I made my way over to your blog to read. I'm sorry for this devastating time in your life. But much power to you in deciding to be empowered rather than be the victim. As you repair your marriage, I implore you to do some soul searching and rediscover yourself, your passions and your hobbies... find what you truly love, and perhaps even who you truly love. It seems you put so much on hold for your family- getting married, ending your career, raising your children - maybe part of your healing process will surprise you. Kudos to you for choosing to fight for your marriage, but I also can't help but state that I hope you fight for your independence, too. Have some girl's nights. Shop. Drink. Dance. Flirt. Repair things S L O W L Y and remember that you're your own person and you don't owe happiness to anyone but yourself (in this instance).

    Ultimately, hoping for your happiness!

    With Love & Style,
    ♥ Amber
    ALL THE AMBIENCE

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  17. Tamera .. I so enjoyed meeting youbkadt summer at fierce 50 meet up . Sorry you are going through this . I’ve bern married almost 30 years and not having an easy time of it either . You are so courageous to write this .. praying the days get easier for you and fast 2018 will be a year of healing and progress ! Take care beauty !

    Xo
    Valerie
    Maple Leopard

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  18. Tamera. First of all my heart reaches out to your spirit...how present and brave are your words...words that describe the undescibable...words of power and anguish and hope. The interweb has ,in many ways , had a depersonalizing effect on people...and yet tonite...as I read your post we are connected by feelings. I am a long timer reader of your blog...and what I have loved about it is the grace and honesty which you display. Hugs tonight from a frigid polar Toronto...where a candle is lit for you. Eleanore

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  19. Your honesty and heart can be felt through these words, and I am in awe of your ability to work through this. You have always been an inspiration to me, and you continue on that path by writing of the pain and truth which can be a beacon for others.
    Sending you hugs and love across the miles.
    XOOX
    Jodie
    www.jtouchofstyle.com

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  20. Tamara I'm sorry for al you're going through but applaud your courage to put YOU first, to go after the life you want and deserve, and for standing in the power of your decision and not a victim of circumstance. Your testimony gives me life!
    Peace and blessings to you!
    Carol ;-)
    http://evolvingyourimage.com

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  21. Tamera. I was so moved by your post this morning. So many people come across as having the perfect life on Facebook and Instagram but this just shows we all have our problems in life.
    Praying that the new year is a good one for you and I admire your strength in not only working to save your marriage but also in sharing your story with us.
    Wishing you peace and strength to face the weeks ahead.
    Suzyq

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  22. Dear Tamera, I am so sad to read this, and my heart aches for you going down this painful journey. Greatest admiration for your choosing to work on renewal of your marriage and I pray for you as you negotiate this time. I so admire your strengths and talents, and your great honesty in writing this post. Much love xox

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  23. Hi Tamera as always thank you for your honesty,sending you much strength,love and positive thoughts your way for a happy ever after,xoxoxo

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  24. Dear Tamara,

    I did not read any of the posted comments, though I do intend to do so after sharing my feelings. First of all a warm hug to you and thank you for being transparent. I experienced a story very much like yours, at 20 years we fell into a tailspin. Through soul searching, counseling, time apart, prayer and intense reflection including anger, disbelief and self worth torn asunder, we found a way to reconnect and based our next 10 years built on a clear foundation of mature love, my husband went on to fall in passionate love again that encompassed our 30 years as a couple. Sadly, my beloved husband died 4 years ago of a heart attack. The insight we gained that led to his infidelity and working on our marriage to move forward left me with memories beyond compare. I pray that you and your husband find your way back to the passions and emotional maturity to fall in love again with greater and long lasting Love.

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  25. Tamera I was teary-eyed and touched by your blog this morning. Somehow I knew something was amiss when we had not heard from you but I blamed it on your busy holidays. Unfortunately I have had the experience that you are going. Although hard to imagine right now, I can assure you that you will survive and come out of it a much better person for it. A few years ago I discovered Esther Perel, a Belgian psychotherapist notable for exploring the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships. I read her book "Mating in Captivity" and I was fascinated by her. Her new book is called "State of Affairs". It is said an affair can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Perhaps through Esther Perel you can find some help in your road back to peace in you and your husband's lives.

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  26. Dear Tamera, my heart really goes out to you and your husband. Rebuilding trust is an absolutely monumental task and one that will take great courage and grace from both of you. It took me a very long time to understand that my husband was hurting too. He hated what he had done and carried his guilt for too many years, helped along by my own hurt and unforgiveness. I am not hard on myself for this, because you can only do what you can, one day at a time, with what you have at that time, but if you both try to choose the path of love, then I truly believe there is real hope for your marriage.

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  27. just retrospect your IG pics, it was more than barely understandable what you disclosed in your sad message.
    You both are special persons, strong and determinded to share your future life together and if you
    follow your hearts I am sure you will manage it. You both have still your love and thus it is worth
    to fight for it. Forgive and forget might be the keyword too. Dear Tamera, I wish you all the best and have faith in the sunny sides in your life.

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  28. Dear, dear Tamera, I wondered at the quiet from you on the blog, but thought it must be busy times during the holidays--though I knew you loved in the past to share how this time was going for you and the family. So I had my wonderings. . .but never guessed what was going on for real. All the previous commenters have expressed what I can think to say. Your bravery and resilience are an inspiration. Please keep taking excellent care of yourself. Thank you for your honesty and trust in sharing all this with us, your readers. Blessings on the winding road ahead!

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  29. Thanks for having the openness to share your story. Sending prayers and blessings for continued healing.

    I have a friend whose husband of 30+ years proclaimed his feeling for another and left her. Through her faith in God, and yes, even her husband, she believed that her marriage would be restored. Again, it was not without counseling, work and tears, but God restored their marriage and family by turning the husbands heart back toward his family. The also began to see what each other really needed in the relationship.

    You are right that we tend to loose sight of that and fall into comfort and complancency.

    Keep turning your eyes to God my friend.

    Paula

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  30. I so admire your strength and honesty in revealing this heartbreak with us! If anyone can make this work it's you! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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  31. I have stepped out of blogging during my own marital issues. I don't feel like I can write as freely as you do. I'm glad you can, though. It is cathartic. Such a difficult time. God can do for you what you cannot do for yourself. He is your strong tower, your shield and your defender. Praying for you. xoxo

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  32. I have read this several times over the past days, thinking about what you wrote and how brave you are. I see the paragraph where you said you were solid in your role, even as you slept in separate rooms and were passionless. Then I read how kind and generous you are to your husband as you travel these days. It has made me think over and over again how we go through our days in a semi coma, not really alive or aware of our selves or our mates. You are making everyone think.

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  33. Many years ago, I had a young Chinese friend who was very wise beyond his 25+ years. He would walk the streets of San Francisco with me while introducing me to all sorts of people and places in Chinatown. It was on one such walk that he astounded me with the opportunity to watch potters at work. He went on to explain that there was such perfection in these artisans’ work that the artists would intentionally put a flaw upon the clay being molded. I thought at the time, how odd! He went on to tell me it was because we all must learn to live with the flaws in our journeys and not spend so much time anticipating the final “perfect“ product! This changed me profoundly at the time. I learned to slow my mind down and really start looking at the present moment for what it had to offer, not the preconceived perception of what I thought I wanted out of it. It marked a moment in my life where I began to really “see” with my soul.
    Sending you and Jeff all the love and support on your journey.

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  34. Tamera ... I am speechless and even though I'm a very talkative person, probably for the first time in my life I don't really know what to say, apart from ... THANK YOU. An incredible story and an incredible ... cofession in a way. I pray for you - these things get better, but you need time which is such a paradox because probably you don't believe in it. But even though life will never be the same again - time will help you feel better about the whole situation. Keep strong and positive :)))))) Lots of love form the other side of the world - kisses - Margot :))))))

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  35. Wow! Just, wow! Hugs, kisses and prayers from NZ. You WILL get through this, and come out the other side better than before. Thank you for sharing so much. You are truly a gifted, honest writer and person.

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  36. I am shocked and saddened to read this and wish you and your husband strength and I hope you can work it out or alternatively find the love you deserve.

    Women will steal a husband for a meal or a drink these days.

    Good luck and I hope you will be ok xxx

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  37. Prayers for you and your family. God Bless.

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  38. Absolutely beautiful. You can get past this and on to a beautiful marriage. I know from experience. Almost 44 years and counting. I am saying a prayer for you both.

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  39. My heart is saddened to read the pain you have been living with this season, Tamera. You are courageous, authentic and also hopeful to share your story. Knowing both you and Jeff, I can agree that you are both good people. People fall and make mistakes. I truly believe it is how the mistake is handled that can make all the difference. The journey of healing can crystallize a much better life. I have complete faith that time can bring renewed trust, love, passion and commitment even with this kind of pain. It may be 30 years of marriage, but you and Jeff are on a brand new journey. Whatever way your path leads for your future, I have complete faith that you will handle it with the grace and beauty with which you live your life. You'll both be in my thoughts and prayers as you move through this next chapter.
    xx, Heather

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  40. Thank you for writing with such honesty. I sincerely hope you and your husband will manage to repair your marriage.

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  41. The deepest lessons are the ones we learn the most from and ultimately can become our greatest blessings. Comfort, strength and healing to you and your husband always remembering, LOVE is the greatest power. To love and new beginnings!

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  42. What courage it took to write this post and share such a traumatic, personal experience in hopes it will others grappling with similar circumstances. I feel I’ll be rereading your message many times and thinking hard about my own marriage and what I want it to be at this stage of my life. It’s too easy to lapse into taking each other for granted while prioritizing children, careers, friends, finances and the myriad of challenges life throws at us . . . to the detriment of our relationship. Wishing you love and strength as you work through the process of rebuilding and redefining your marriage. I know I’ll learn from you as you generously share your journey. Blessings.

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  43. Oh Tamera. I wish I could give you a big hug and have a big cocktail with you right now. This was a really painful lesson, but it JUST MAY put you on a much happier and more focused path with your husband going forward. This post took such courage, insight, and wisdom to write, and I love you all the more for it. It is so easy to let things fall into the path of least resistance, and to become a little isolated in our own homes and in our own marriages. I love that you are taking your power back and building something even better.

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  44. My heart is filled with empathy for your situation. We went through this horrible nightmare in 2010.

    The hysterical bonding helped tremendously. Enjoy it.

    One thing that helped me cope with the need to revisit the pain and to distance myself from it was a "mantra" that I repeated over and over:

    "I know and it hurt me very much but I have felt it and now I am letting it pass."

    Wishing you the best in this recovery and reclaiming time.

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  45. Oh Tamera, I've been out of the loop for a while going through my own stuff that I will soon hopefully write about, but I'm so sorry for every ounce of pain. What a brave, brave incredible woman you are. Thank you for sharing your soul here and letting us see your spirit even in the face of this. You write it out so well, keep going. wow. so much love and respect for you, I know God sees, holds and hears your heart. XOXOXO

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