Month Five



It's been five months
since I learned of the betrayal.


I have recently been doing so well 
I had intended not to even write this month.
I had begun to wonder if  by doing so
I was putting too much attention
on an old wound.




Then one night I had horrible dreams all night long
only to realize
the next day
it was the actual five month anniversary 
of finding out.

The sixth of every month now
has a skewed meaning
where I reflect on where I am in the healing process
Hoping every month
to be just done with it all.
Like I can graduate the program
as quickly as possible.
To just have it as an incidence in my past.
But I am realizing
there is no rushing healing of this sort.


My sub conscience had been keeping count
while I was trying to busily forget.
The dreams unleashed a terror 
of old feelings
that I thought I had dealt with already.
It felt like Pandora's Box had come undone once again.



It all also feels a bit more complicated these days
in that 
I have pretty much gotten to a point 
of forgiveness of my husband.
He doesn't even seem the same person to me
but rather a new, more loving version of himself.


Which actually makes me feel bad  now when 
I have to bring up my dreams
and 
subsequent fears.



I am trying to find the balance of 
respecting my feelings and healing
and 
respecting his.




 I definitely look forward 
to having this whole situation behind us.
If it actually works that way.
I do know it will probably always
have a place in my soul.


And maybe that can be a good thing
as a reminder
not to fall asleep at the wheel again.
To remember
marriage takes
much time and care
even after
and
maybe even especially
after 30 years.


I am grateful
we are still continuing 
marriage therapy.
Because as many 
Silver Linings in Betrayal 
that I have found
there is still much work to be done
for a solid and lasting healing
with a new solid foundation.

I have chosen to continue to write about this painful situation
as a reminder to myself
but
even more importantly
to help anyone else on this path
to healing.




Because when I first found out
my only question to my doctor was
 How does anyone survive betrayal.
I was so scared and brokenhearted
I just want to offer others
a light.

That whether you decide
 to stay or leave
there is a path to healing.

And I truly believe
if you are willing to do the work
and
be open to the lessons ...

Not only is healing possibe
but you can come out the other side
stronger
and
more loving.



As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life





I have written about our situation in the posts below















12 comments:

  1. Tamera, You've obviously had so many ah-ha moments in the last five months. I particularly like your "reminder to not fall asleep at the wheel again... especially after 30 years." Reach for those Silver Linings in Betrayal for that's how forgiveness and a new foundation occurs. xoxox, Brenda

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    1. Brenda thank you so much for reading ... and your lovely, encouraging comment! I truly appreciate it darling!! xoxo

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  2. Tamera,

    I love your honesty and openness about your journey.
    I know writing about it is therapeutic, but I don't think I have ever met a woman like you who has moved forward with her marriage and the betrayals of the wedding vows as openly as you have done this past year.
    Your fashion style is breathless and so are you Tamera.

    Hugs,
    Robin
    www.helloim50ish.com

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    1. Aww thank you ever so much Robin for your gift of words my dear! Your thoughtful, kind and encouraging words are so appreciated! Thank you for your visit darling! xoxo

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  3. Tamera, I understand all that you feel. It happened to me at 40, ended the marriage. I am now 63 and every once in a while I still feel the sting. I wish you wonderful things in your life.
    Sharon

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    1. Sharon thank you for visiting and commenting darling. I am so sorry you know of the pain involved. And I thank you for your encouraging words!

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  4. Out of the ashes has come some transformative thinking and change from you both, and for the good it would seem. Perhaps that can soften the emotional maelstrom of the 6th harbinger. You're both done so well. Hugs, x.

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    1. My dear, thank you so much for visiting here and you very encouraging words. And yes, we are determined to transform our marriage out of this devastation ... in a way we might never have been able to do ... without such heartache. I am committed to find every single good I can. Thanks again for your encouragement darling!

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  5. So well put. Thank you for sharing xo

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    1. Thank you for reading darling! So great to see your gorgeous self yesterday! Hope you have the most amazing trip!! xoxo

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  6. I’m smiling while reading this because it feels like you’ve turned a corner in the healing direction. From a selfish point of view I hope you continue monthly posts on this piece of your life, at least to the year mark, because your beautiful writing is helpful for others on a similar journey. I continue to admire and be in awe of your ability to find the good in the bad and your fierce determination to move forward. xo

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    1. Oh Julie, thank you so for your gift of words darling! They continue to be so inspirational and encouraging to me. I so appreciate your continued support on this journey! I am also so enjoying your Instagram posts dear ... especially seeing your gorgeous self ... in your awe inspiring house! xox

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