Marriage Betrayal and Silver Linings

Today marks the 4th month 

since I found out about 

the 

betrayal.

I decided in the beginning 

to write 

once a month

about our situation.

In part to document  this journey

for myself.

In another part

to help others

because

as soon as 

the betrayal was revealed to me

my first question 

to myself

and
 then to my doctor

was ...

How does anyone

 survive  betrayal.
Especially after being married 30 years.

At that time I wasn't even interested in

how does a marriage survive

I hurt so bad inside

I thought I might truly die

of a broken heart.

I had panic attacks

with the most servere

chest pains
dizziness
with feelings of drifting off to a place
where I wouldn't even exist.
I truly thought I was loosing my mind.

I also had huge fears at the time 

of dying of
 a heart attack or stroke.

It was so bad I ended up

with full batteries of tests

including cardiologist visits.

The good news is I got a clean bill of physical health.
I will never again underestimate
the power and interconnectedness
of body and mind.

Which brings me to this post title

The Silver Linings of Betrayal

Because like so many times in life

if 

you look really hard

you can find much good

in the very, very bad.

Off the top

I have lost 20 pounds during this ordeal.

I would like to take credit

with a healthful plan here

but most of the loss occurred 

during the very first 6 weeks 

that were such hell

I wouldn't wish that kind of weight loss on anyone.

I was a complete mess

and 

could neither eat 

 and 

even worse

sleep evaded me.

There was no escaping the brutal truth.

But fast forward to now

and
 I have been able to 

implement so many healthful habits
both physical and mental.

I have continues to hike in nature

and

I have added 4-5 days of Pilates to my routine.

I am up to the level 2 reformer classes.

What I love most about Pilates

is that it is so new to me

I have to so completely focus on learning new movements

I can't think of anything else.

Such a gift during difficult times.

I have also been more cognitive
of the food I put in my body.
I have once again added

the Glowing Green Smoothies 

back into my weekly mornings.

I wrote about them HERE.

There was such a breaking open
it has me digging deeper
to ask myself
what is it
that I really want out of
my life
body, mind and soul.

As far as our marriage goes

Jeff and I are l

closer than ever.

We can talk about anything now with each other.

A total change from before the  November revelation.


We are both still  in  individual counseling
as well as
marriage counseling.
We spend time reading together
our own copies of
After the Affair.
Which is a book that addresses
the need for both parties to heal from the betrayal.

As I have said in every post I have written about the betrayal
here and here

I do not take responsibility for the deed

but I do totally see how 

we had both sowed seeds for trouble
by not making our marriage a priority.



By not looking at my part in the betrayal
I remain a powerless victim.
By examining my own role in the actual years
in it's making
I not only take my power back
but I can whole heartedly
make changes in our marriage.


I know to actually make our marriage successful
after this situation
it will take the both of us
completely committed to learning
how we got there
and
learning how to make  a new and more loving
marriage.

Looking back

I know I had settled into 

 thinking
and 

even worse

truly believing

that our joyless 

almost sexless marraiage

was what marriage after 30 years 

looked and felt like.

Looking back 

I cringe 

that I accepted 

what we had.

But I guess it once again goes back to 

You have to know better

to do better.

And if I can share anything

let it be

Marriage after 30 years 

truly can 

be passionate and fulfilling.

Coming  at marriage properly

you can work so that the long history you have together

can be a binding force

which creates a deeper, stronger connection.

But without a strong focused intention on both sides

those years together

can turn against you.

Where there becomes a mental collection of 

hurts 

both big and small over the years

that can cloud out the love and respect in a marriage.
Which makes it all too easy to begin
to check out mentally and emotionally.

Which is why as horrific the hurt 

of the betrayal 

has been
 in that it was a 

violent explosion  of  our marriage

that blew things apart with such force.

The explosion
made us open all of the boxes of the past
to ask ourselves
and
each other
how we got there.

I feel in the aftermath

we are able to sift through the emotional carnage

and 

pick up and save 

the beauty and love of our past.
(hopefully some day
the pain won't be such a tainting force).

One of the biggest

Silver Linings of Betrayal

has been 

truly 

realizing the love 

we actually do have for each other.

A love 

that had gotten buried under so much of

just getting through life

and
 the raising of children.

We had made the mistake early on

in raising children

of putting them first

before 

our marriage.

It is more of a wonder 

that we made it as far as we did

without breaking open.

I told myself I would never give my children 

marriage advice now

but the one thing I do 

truly 

know now

is that I have to put

 God/Higher Power first

then marriage

then children.

It's never to late to learn.

Another great

 Silver Lining After Betrayal

is 

that our sex life has never, ever been better.

Personally

there is nothing like being 

sexually betrayed

that gets you 

to really look and question

your own sexual self.

And then question

what  do you really want your sex life to be.

For me
I know that I felt bad
and
 focused immensely
 about my perceived
body imperfections
and that
definitely had me holding back.

I am now teaching myself to not only make peace with
the body I have today
but
also to focus on all it can do
and
begin to let go of
cultural stereotypes of perfection.
I am committed to 
learning to love 
the body I have today.

So my advice to anyone 

would be to figure it out ahead of the curve
what you want  your sex life to be

and

not 

have your life blow up before you 

decide.

Learning to truly 
love ourselves
makes us so much more able
to love others fully.

I don't know if we would have  made the changes
 in our sex  life

if we hadn't gotten to such a candid 

emotionally raw  and
brutal
spot in our marriage.



I  personally had to truly learn
the importance of
loving myself and my body
as I am today.

Silver Linings.

All of this talk about

Silver Linings After Betrayal

 makes it sound 

like 

everything is all good and new now.

It's not.

Some days are more of a struggle for me than others.


The worst thing I do to myself
is during a string of good days
is to think
Oh I have gotten through this emotional chasm
and
roller coaster ride!
I am all good now!!


I am not.


It only takes an ominous trigger
to take me down like a crashing wave,


But these days
I am
so much stronger
and
quicker
to get  myself up
brush myself off
and
continue forward
making 
the very best of
what lessons there are to be
learned on this journey
and
any good to be found.



So much of deciding to thrive in life
is giving yourself
grace
and
picking yourself up
as many times as it takes
brushing yourself off
with the mental clarity and intent
of being determined 
to make the most out of each day.

I think it is so important 

to take the time to 

reflect 

on every good there is in a day.
It's even more important
during life's hard journeys.

I am feeling stronger

in the direction our marriage is taking.

But  truth be told
I am left with the aftermath of the emotional trauma

that has left me even more 

anxiety ridden 

than before.

So I am 

not only committed to making our marrige

the absolute best it can be

But I am doubling down 

in my commitment

to my own 

Mental Health.

Because on this journey

of marriage betrayal

I have realized 

just 

how important

Mental Health

truly is
and
how fleeting it can feel at times.

And in closing
 boy have I  learned
so much more

Empathy 
for the pain of others.

I never had any idea of what this felt like
but now on this side of knowledge
I want so much to be able to help others
navigate their roads of pain
and
to learn the importance of
Self Love.

My heart is so much larger than it use to be.

And what a 

Silver Lining that is.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life.