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Marriage Betrayal and Silver Linings

Today marks the 4th month 
since I found out about 

I decided in the beginning 
to write 
once a month
about our situation.

In part to document  this journey
for myself.

In another part
to help others
as soon as 
the betrayal was revealed to me
my first question 
to myself
 then to my doctor
was ...

How does anyone
 survive  betrayal.
Especially after being married 30 years.

At that time I wasn't even interested in
how does a marriage survive
I hurt so bad inside
I thought I might truly die
of a broken heart.

I had panic attacks
with the most servere
chest pains
with feelings of drifting off to a place
where I wouldn't even exist.
I truly thought I was loosing my mind.

I also had huge fears at the time 
of dying of
 a heart attack or stroke.

It was so bad I ended up
with full batteries of tests
including cardiologist visits.

The good news is I got a clean bill of physical health.
I will never again underestimate
the power and interconnectedness
of body and mind.

Which brings me to this post title

The Silver Linings of Betrayal

Because like so many times in life
you look really hard
you can find much good
in the very, very bad.

Off the top
I have lost 20 pounds during this ordeal.
I would like to take credit
with a healthful plan here
but most of the loss occurred 
during the very first 6 weeks 
that were such hell
I wouldn't wish that kind of weight loss on anyone.

I was a complete mess
could neither eat 
even worse
sleep evaded me.
There was no escaping the brutal truth.

But fast forward to now
 I have been able to 
implement so many healthful habits
both physical and mental.

I have continues to hike in nature
I have added 4-5 days of Pilates to my routine.
I am up to the level 2 reformer classes.

What I love most about Pilates
is that it is so new to me
I have to so completely focus on learning new movements
I can't think of anything else.
Such a gift during difficult times.

I have also been more cognitive
of the food I put in my body.
I have once again added
the Glowing Green Smoothies 
back into my weekly mornings.
I wrote about them HERE.

There was such a breaking open
it has me digging deeper
to ask myself
what is it
that I really want out of
my life
body, mind and soul.

As far as our marriage goes
Jeff and I are l
closer than ever.

We can talk about anything now with each other.
A total change from before the  November revelation.

We are both still  in  individual counseling
as well as
marriage counseling.
We spend time reading together
our own copies of
After the Affair.
Which is a book that addresses
the need for both parties to heal from the betrayal.

As I have said in every post I have written about the betrayal
here and here
I do not take responsibility for the deed
but I do totally see how 
we had both sowed seeds for trouble
by not making our marriage a priority.

By not looking at my part in the betrayal
I remain a powerless victim.
By examining my own role in the actual years
in it's making
I not only take my power back
but I can whole heartedly
make changes in our marriage.

I know to actually make our marriage successful
after this situation
it will take the both of us
completely committed to learning
how we got there
learning how to make  a new and more loving

Looking back
I know I had settled into 
even worse
truly believing
that our joyless 
almost sexless marraiage
was what marriage after 30 years 
looked and felt like.

Looking back 
I cringe 
that I accepted 
what we had.

But I guess it once again goes back to 

You have to know better
to do better.

And if I can share anything
let it be

Marriage after 30 years 
truly can 
be passionate and fulfilling.

Coming  at marriage properly
you can work so that the long history you have together
can be a binding force
which creates a deeper, stronger connection.

But without a strong focused intention on both sides
those years together
can turn against you.

Where there becomes a mental collection of 
both big and small over the years
that can cloud out the love and respect in a marriage.
Which makes it all too easy to begin
to check out mentally and emotionally.

Which is why as horrific the hurt 
of the betrayal 
has been
 in that it was a 
violent explosion  of  our marriage
that blew things apart with such force.

The explosion
made us open all of the boxes of the past
to ask ourselves
each other
how we got there.

I feel in the aftermath
we are able to sift through the emotional carnage
pick up and save 
the beauty and love of our past.
(hopefully some day
the pain won't be such a tainting force).

One of the biggest
Silver Linings of Betrayal
has been 
realizing the love 
we actually do have for each other.
A love 
that had gotten buried under so much of
just getting through life
 the raising of children.

We had made the mistake early on
in raising children
of putting them first
our marriage.

It is more of a wonder 
that we made it as far as we did
without breaking open.

I told myself I would never give my children 
marriage advice now
but the one thing I do 
know now
is that I have to put
 God/Higher Power first
then marriage
then children.

It's never to late to learn.

Another great
 Silver Lining After Betrayal
that our sex life has never, ever been better.

there is nothing like being 
sexually betrayed
that gets you 
to really look and question
your own sexual self.

And then question
what  do you really want your sex life to be.

For me
I know that I felt bad
 focused immensely
 about my perceived
body imperfections
and that
definitely had me holding back.

I am now teaching myself to not only make peace with
the body I have today
also to focus on all it can do
begin to let go of
cultural stereotypes of perfection.
I am committed to 
learning to love 
the body I have today.

So my advice to anyone 
would be to figure it out ahead of the curve
what you want  your sex life to be
have your life blow up before you 

Learning to truly 
love ourselves
makes us so much more able
to love others fully.

I don't know if we would have  made the changes
 in our sex  life
if we hadn't gotten to such a candid 
emotionally raw  and
spot in our marriage.

I  personally had to truly learn
the importance of
loving myself and my body
as I am today.

Silver Linings.

All of this talk about
Silver Linings After Betrayal
 makes it sound 
everything is all good and new now.

It's not.

Some days are more of a struggle for me than others.

The worst thing I do to myself
is during a string of good days
is to think
Oh I have gotten through this emotional chasm
roller coaster ride!
I am all good now!!

I am not.

It only takes an ominous trigger
to take me down like a crashing wave,

But these days
I am
so much stronger
to get  myself up
brush myself off
continue forward
the very best of
what lessons there are to be
learned on this journey
any good to be found.

So much of deciding to thrive in life
is giving yourself
picking yourself up
as many times as it takes
brushing yourself off
with the mental clarity and intent
of being determined 
to make the most out of each day.

I think it is so important 
to take the time to 
on every good there is in a day.
It's even more important
during life's hard journeys.

I am feeling stronger
in the direction our marriage is taking.

But  truth be told
I am left with the aftermath of the emotional trauma
that has left me even more 
anxiety ridden 
than before.

So I am 
not only committed to making our marrige
the absolute best it can be

But I am doubling down 
in my commitment
to my own 
Mental Health.
Because on this journey
of marriage betrayal
I have realized 
how important
Mental Health
truly is
how fleeting it can feel at times.

And in closing
 boy have I  learned
so much more
for the pain of others.

I never had any idea of what this felt like
but now on this side of knowledge
I want so much to be able to help others
navigate their roads of pain
to learn the importance of
Self Love.

My heart is so much larger than it use to be.

And what a 
Silver Lining that is.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life.


  1. What a beautiful post Tamera. I really appreciate your candidness and the sharing of your most intimate thoughts. xo

    1. Kathy thank you ever so much for visiting here and your lovely encouraging words my dear! xox

  2. So much love to you. I am feeling extremely low about my own 22 year relationship. It's been helpful to read your words. I wish you all the love and strength in the universe, Tamera xxxx

    1. Aww thank you ever so much Ruth. I am sorry to hear how you are feeling darling, I know how hard that can be. Sending you big hugs ... and remember to invest in You my dear! xox

  3. What a beautiful post! Very transparent. Wishing you continued success in your progression! God Bless!

  4. thank you so much.

  5. Wow! Bravo to you for your openness and guts! With both of you working so hard I know this will work out.

  6. Oh, and you look gorgeous also. Your husband takes fabulous photos.

  7. I always appreciate your openness. You are so real!

  8. This is such a thought provoking, wise, and candid post, Tamera. Thank you for sharing so much of your heart and your difficult journey. You've given me so much to think about... I'm also guilty of putting my child's needs before everything else, including my marriage. I thought this was amazing:
    "Where there becomes a mental collection of hurts
    both big and small over the years
    that can cloud out the love and respect in a marriage.
    Which makes it all too easy to begin
    to check out mentally and emotionally"
    That is a real cautionary tale about how day to day life can chip away at the foundation, if we aren't careful.
    Thank you again for your honesty. I wish you so much love and peace and happiness xxx

  9. So beautifully and honestly expressed especially on this #internationalwomensday You are a strong role model for other women xx

  10. I think you’ve come a long way since November. You’re smart to reclaim your power, build on it, look inward, ask God for help and keep moving forward. You can get thru anything that way. About our bodies at a certain age... Oprah once said, “Youre the only naked woman in the room. He’s going to love you!” xoxox, Brenda

  11. Wow, beautifully said. Thank you for sharing!

  12. How wonderfully you write and express what is happening, Tamera. You are a guiding light not only for yourselves, but for all of us as well. The words about having to know better in order to do better really resonate for me. Wishing you both every blessing, and a golden future together. xo

  13. Tamera - Beautiful, thought-provoking writing. I, too, have been through everything you write of, although my first 2 marriages were not as strong as yours, and thankfully, they did not work out. Today I have the most wonderful, sensitive, loving, beautiful husband and we could not be happier. A lesson I learned, through observation and my Mother/Father telling me this through their 70 year marriage is, they always put their marriage first, before my sister and I. It was not offensive to us, we just knew they cherished each other and put their relationship first, then adored us. I truly believe this to be a beautiful way to have a long lasting marriage, full of love, trust, and most important, a passionate relationship.

  14. Please read

    1. No, please don't. She is working on her marriage. Her husband is also working on their marriage. Please don't put them in this category.

  15. Thank you for sharing all of this with "us". You are brave, you are strong.

  16. Wow! You have been through so much...I really appreciate the fact that you are seeking silver linings and knowledge about your own powers. You are truly an inspiration