Month Five

It's been five months

since I learned of the betrayal.

I have recently been doing so well 

I had intended not to even write this month.

I had begun to wonder if  by doing so

I was putting too much attention

on an old wound.

Then one night I had horrible dreams all night long

only to realize
the next day

it was the actual five month anniversary 

of finding out.

The sixth of every month now
has a skewed meaning
where I reflect on where I am in the healing process
Hoping every month
to be just done with it all.
Like I can graduate the program
as quickly as possible.
To just have it as an incidence in my past.
But I am realizing
there is no rushing healing of this sort.

My sub conscience had been keeping count

while I was trying to busily forget.

The dreams unleashed a terror 

of old feelings

that I thought I had dealt with already.

It felt like Pandora's Box had come undone once again.

It all also feels a bit more complicated these days

in that 

I have pretty much gotten to a point 

of forgiveness of my husband.

He doesn't even seem the same person to me

but rather a new, more loving version of himself.

Which actually makes me feel bad  now when 

I have to bring up my dreams

and 

subsequent fears.

I am trying to find the balance of 

respecting my feelings and healing

and 

respecting his.

 I definitely look forward 

to having this whole situation behind us.

If it actually works that way.
I do know it will probably always
have a place in my soul.


And maybe that can be a good thing
as a reminder
not to fall asleep at the wheel again.
To remember
marriage takes
much time and care
even after
and
maybe even especially
after 30 years.

I am grateful

we are still continuing 

marriage therapy.

Because as many 

Silver Linings in Betrayal 

that I have found

there is still much work to be done

for a solid and lasting healing
with a new solid foundation.

I have chosen to continue to write about this painful situation
as a reminder to myself
but
even more importantly
to help anyone else on this path
to healing.

Because when I first found out
my only question to my doctor was
 How does anyone survive betrayal.
I was so scared and brokenhearted
I just want to offer others
a light.

That whether you decide
 to stay or leave
there is a path to healing.

And I truly believe
if you are willing to do the work
and
be open to the lessons ...

Not only is healing possibe
but you can come out the other side
stronger
and
more loving.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life

I have written about our situation in the posts below

Surviving Marital Betrayal

Picking Up the Pieces After Marital Betrayal

Marriage Betrayal and Silver Linings