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Reoccurring Dreams ... Grief or Looking For Purpose?


I have had the same dream
or 
a version of it 
for months now.


I am always searching for  home
or
 where I should be.



Then there is often a part when 
I realize I forgot to tell my parents 
I was on a trip
and
then remember
they are both no longer here.
Even in a dream
I can feel the shocking loss.



My nightly travels have taken me to some beautiful places
but the yearning in my soul
is never satisfied
nor 
can I ever find 
the  home I'm looking for.


In the dreams
I can no longer find my way home.
I wake up feeling exhausted by the continual journey.




I am a big believer in dreams
so I have spent much time 
trying to unravel
such repetitive dreams.
Always trying to unlock
the  deeper meaning.




Because no matter how much effort I have been
putting into my life
to scramble 
for direction
for purpose
for meaning
it all   continues to feel elusive.



I feel stuck.

I have a case of procrastination
when it comes 
to relaunching my business
like no other.


It has gotten to a point of
personal shame.
For someone who has always
prided myself in 
my work ethic
I no longer recognize myself.
Only feeling worse as the days and months go by
and yes,
even years.


It is almost crazy
how much effort 
I put into
not doing what I need to do.
Shocking at the very least.







In the dreams I have 
an overwhelming feeling of 
being untethered
and 
not in a way that feels free and brilliant.

More the kind 
where I run forever in hysterical circles
always trying to grab 
onto meaning and 
purpose.
To find my way home.



I know  I so desperately
want to feel
like I have my  life together
that everything is under control
that I got this.



I know in my heart I want to break out of this
cycle of procrastination
or depression
or fear
or whatever I have become mired in.


My  dreams speak to the yearning 
my heart has
to get back home.



I think maybe the bottom dropped out
when Jeff lost his job out of the blue 
after 25 years.
Then my dad died.



It seems no matter how hard I drill down on myself
demanding a competent level of productivity
I freeze.
I don't move forward.




Because in reality
I feel rudderless.

I am still ever so 
Grateful for the Wonderful Life
I do have.


But I am missing something.


Maybe I haven't taken the time to 
truly grieve my parents passing.

My dad died a few months
after my husband lost his job
of 25 years
completely out of the blue.

My dad died in the hospital
during Covid
after several months in ICU
after complications from a 'simple surgery'

Because it was Covid
there was no funeral.
Just a gravesite burial.

I still can't really believe he's gone.
Every time I have good news
like the birth of our brand new grandson
or 
Jeff's new job
I can't wait to 
tell my parents
And then I remember.



I didn't have a  perfect relationship with my parents.
We often saw life and choices differently.
But they were always a  constant in my life.
Their love was always there.


I chose many time not to move away with our family
because I wanted 
my parents 
to have the opportunity 
to have a relationship
with their grandchildren.
My sister died before my kids were born
and 
left a gaping hole in my parents heart.
I wanted to help fill it.


I  also wanted my kids
to grow up with grandparents.
I made many life choices to make it so.
Because  I grew up here in Southern California
without extended family
I wanted my kids to know different.


Even though I didn't always see eye to eye
with my parents
they were always there.
Always   interested and supportive
of our children
and 
Jeff and I. 



I have recently realized
my parents 
were also something 
 to push off against.

A border in life
that was a boundary 
I could cross or go beyond.
A talisman in my life.
A where I came from
to see how far I'd come.


A life marker.


I had no idea I would feel so adrift 
without my parents in my life.
Maybe even thought 
when they died 
so would the critical voice
that lives within my head.



It's odd that not only the good in relationships 
give us comfort and direction
but 
it seems that even the bad parts
were part of my self identity
in a way I never would have imagined.

I hadn't realized 
how much I defined my self
by not  necessarily rebelling
but rather
doing things 'Differently'.



I wish I hadn't been so tempered by my fear 
of their disappointment or judgement
and 
sat down with them
to learn more about 
them.
What life moments and choices
defined them.
How they navigated their own life
in a different current 
from their own parents.


I always thought I had time
for those kind of conversations
you know
when I had my life 
perfectly together.


A time when I felt so strong and confident about myself
I wouldn't fear their criticism.
When I would be immune to judgement
A time where I could receive that 
and
 not take it to heart.
When I  could protect my heart fully.


A time when I felt calm in who I was.

A time .....






I am a 63 year old woman
who is shocked to realize
just how afraid of my parents opinion
I feel.
I didn't feel like that when they were alive.
So why so much now?


It feels even worse.


The critical voices I have in  my head 
from them
seem louder.



Always asking if I.m doing enough with my life.


I  feel I am not
I often feel lost in 
waves of grief
and 
full on purposelessness.



My wonderful children are
Grown and Flown
and 
Thriving.
Parenting defined my heart and soul for so many years.
Giving me so much purpose and drive.







When my parents were here
I could always justify my actions
and 
self 
in my own head.


Now I can't.

And 
that
right there
might just be 
part of my
searching dreams.

I don't know.

What I do know
I haven't been able to 
cry or grieve my dad's passing
much
even though it was over a year ago.
I think I was tied up 
in knots of fear
regarding Jeff's job situation

Now that has moved over to the settled category
my heart and soul
must be trying to
put this new life chapter 
into a new focus
I can live with. 


I know this feeling of being lost
will eventually pass.
And as always
I will be searching for the lessons 
to be found.


I know for a fact 
that I have tremendous respect for my parents
and 
the life they lived.
I respect their imperfections and humanity
I know they went further emotionally
 from where they came.
Just as I hope my children
will think  that of me
when I'm gone.


I also know I want to honor both my parents
by living and leaving 
a life  and legacy of love.

Maybe sometimes
we just really need the time
to sit with our dreams
to uncover what our heart is trying to tell us.






As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life



































































































14 comments:

  1. sending you so much love dear Tamera. Have you considered grief counselling or life coaching (I know some people don't feel comfortable with counselling versus coaching and vice versa) - talking things over with an expert who can help you unravel this may be beneficial. Just a thought, but sending you lots of love xx

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    Replies
    1. Julie thank you for reading and commenting my dear! Even though I am a big advocate in therapy and actually have gone to two therapists in the past, I never have considered grief therapy, surprisingly. I will definitely give this some consideration. I very much appreciate you suggestion! XOX

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  2. Tamera ... profound feelings, beautifully expressed. And that's why I return to your blog. Not only to know what's going on in your life but to reflect on my own through your lense and experience. Losing our parents is a major life event. Even when we are older and they are older and their passing is not unexpected. I believe your openness to feelings, exploring dreams and sharing openly will lead you to where you need to be. Maybe not as quickly as you'd like ... somehow the most important discoveries and ah ha's take the longest and most frustration period of time. But I know you'll get there. And that you'll bring us along on your journey. Blessings. xo

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    1. Juliet i so appreciate your visits here and your sharing of such beautiful and encouraging words and thoughts. you are so right about loosing ones parents ... I think I have been floored by how much I have felt affected by their death ... on a level I just hadn't foreseen. Oh the peaks and valleys of life ... seem to be of life's constants to be sure! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and love here my dear! XOX

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  3. Reading, I feel like we've again been sitting together with hot tea in hand, in your living room listening to the fire in and rain out. Your feelings and place in this journey make so much sense, as do your dreams. You describe it all so well. You're describing profound loss which feels like drifting, wondering what can be counted upon. You ARE searching for home. This is what the soul does when re-positioning toward the eternal. This is all so normal,T. There is a strong call to you, to re-position. And to anchor to something more reliable than job or parents or creative power or personal discipline. Everything goes,T. One thing remains. Our soul in alignment with God. That's it. That's the truest reality I can share with you after being on death's door and coming back. E-ver-y-thing your expressing makes sense to me. You're being offered to re- position for a reason. Not everyone takes the offer in time. For whatever reason, you've been gifted this. Grasp it, my friend. Good on you for listening to the cry of your soul. I'm always here for a cup of tea, together. ♡

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    Replies
    1. Wow Denise! That is a really beautiful and profound perspective ... quite wonderful way to look at it all. It certainly makes sense ... especially after sitting at my Dad's deathbed ... and realizing just how transitionary everything really is. Thank you very much for sharing such a personal insight! Sending you big hugs and love. XOXO

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  4. Hi Tamara, read this book it will change your life. Demi Moore is currently reading and it really is a page turner, hooked from the first page! Radical Awakening: Turn Pain into Power, Embrace Your Truth, Live Free https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062985892/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_1K6W4YF4TWY7H0QGWC3J

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    1. Wow! Sounds like a powerful book! thank you for the recommendation my dear!

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  5. Wonderfully articulated Tamera, and I feel so sad for you, stuck in this bind. I am certainly no expert, but I wonder if the pandemic is also part of this. Added to the shock and sadness of big loss in your life, it is no wonder you have a lot to process. Perhaps professional help could be a benefit. I have been having strange dreams since about 6 months into the Covid outbreak, a little similar to yours. Always on a journey or quest, never able to find the way through strange buildings and landscapes, and often nearly drowning. My husband has had similar. We think it is because we have so carefully isolated ourselves in order to avoid any chance of catching covid, particularly since our state opened its borders at Christmas and numbers have soared. In fact I have now forced myself to resume going to church and meeting friends for coffee because I decided my mental health needed priority. Your writing is wonderful, as always, and I hope you feel a little relief from the explaining of it to us all. You have given me so much to think about, thank you my dear. Wishing you love and happiness. XXXXXXOOOOO

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    1. Hello dearest Patricia! So lovely to hear from you. Yes, haven't we all been so upended by the Covid situation! You and your husband's dreams sound so similar to mine ... it's that journey quest that is so often repeated, night after night.Too bad their isn't a post covid litmus test, to test the mental health effects, we have all been though in our own covid journeys. good for you for prioritizing your own mental health! Well done darling! Sending you big hugs and love my dear! XOX

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  6. I can relate to so much you have shared and I hope by sharing it will help bring you to a clearer understanding and path forward. Sending you love.

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    1. Ginger thank you so much for visiting here my dear. It is always so lovely to hear from you. Yes, you are right, sharing here has definitely helped me begin to see more clearly. I appreciate you, being able to relate. Sending big hugs to you darling! XOX

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  7. Hello, I have never commented here, but felt compelled to now. We are never told to expect the changes in perspective that this time of life brings. We are always bombarded with hot flash and hormone info., but not told expect change in what I think of as a sorting out of what to leave in, what to take out, and what to add to our lives at this point. I think it is our assignment. Loss seems to be so much a part of it. Loss of parents, of the way or relationships were, our bodies and faces as we knew them, or roles as hands on moms, and loss of satisfaction from work we once loved. Maybe giving yourself permission to let go of the work you are berating yourself for not doing would free you to be open to something new, or a new way of doing. Being still is hard, after a life of always striving, but, it is where the answers will come, I believe. Blessings and thanks for your beautiful, fearless writing and sharing. Sheryl

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    1. Sheryl thank you so much for this heartfelt and inspiring comment. Your words are so wise and insightful! I couldn't agree with you more! Hot flashes and hormones ... are really the least of the changes! I love the idea ... 'of a new way of doing'. Just beautiful! I so appreciate you taking the time to leave such a beautiful gift of words here. They have touched my heart. XOX

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