Untangling An Estrangement … A Story Of Hope

I have written often over the course of  the last few years on my blog about

 the painful estrangement 

of my eldest son from the family for over three years.

I wrote first about it
in January of 2014 HERE.
It had been going on a while by then
and
 missing him so bad over the holidays left me having to
be transparent with our situation.
To let the pain out.

My writing was meant with such love, support and understanding
I can still reread those comments even today
with such a grateful heart for the extreme compassion and encouragement  that was shown
and
continues to be shown when I write honestly
about such a painful topic.

The next time I wrote of the Estrangement
it was all about learning to
find Gratitude in the midst of heartache
and
to practice self kindness
 HERE

Next I wrote about
Sharing Our Stories
in my Series of Writing the Blog You Want to Read 
HERE
In this post I wrote about
really learning Unconditional Love.

Here I wrote about disconnected writings
as I realized my blog would continue to be an online journal of my 'real life'
as well as one sharing styling beauty.
Having pain in your life
can me a motivator to actively seek beauty.

I will list the other posts
at the end of this one for those that are interested.

In the last year

I have also written about the beginnings of

Untangling of the Estrangement

which started with a 

Pit Bull Miracle.

With a family situation 

so painful and close to my heart

I have been very careful about what to share

but now with positive backing from my son

I can say the estrangement 

has come to an end.

I want to share our story

in the hopes 

I can offer support and encouragement

to anyone else

walking the painful path of estrangement.

Looking back

I remember vividly how the estrangement began.

It wasn't one simple blowout

but a string of situations 

that seemed to become harder and harder …

on both side.

How it started to me is not the story.

Rather 

this story is about how the estrangement ended.

It was not an overnight change.

But rather a process 

that literally took years.

For me

it probably began to get better

when I could forgive myself.

The first year of the estrangement

was all about anger for me.

Anger at him.

For doing 'this'.

For me

Anger felt more empowering 

at least for a while

than 

acknowledging the utter pain of being 

rejected by someone you loved so much.

When I let the pain in

it took me to my knees.

The pain was overwhelming

especially the year none of us heard from him.

I wondered it I would ever see him again.

We would have three Christmas's without him.

for years every time the landline rang

I feared grim news.

In the most painful year

I began to go over everything in my mind.

Where had I gone so very, vey wrong 

to have caused this dreadful family circumstance.

After much soul searching

I  realized

I had indeed made many mistakes regarding my relationship 

with my son.

Then I got to a place where I 

forgave myself.

I realized mistakes or not

I had done the very best I could

with what I knew 

at the time.

Living that year on my knees

I realized

to keep living

I had to give myself Grace.

And the beauty of learning to 

give oneself grace is that

your heart changes

and 

automatically 

your heart gives Grace to others.

If I had been doing

The best I could

with what I knew 

at the time 

Then so was Slater.

In that realization

there was no longer reason

for anger

at myself or him.

We had both been doing 

the very best we could

with 

what we knew 

at the time.

When I got to that realization

I saw I could make a new choice

going forward to

 Love unconditionally 

without expectation.

I could change my intention.

I could quit 'keeping score' in my head

that he did this

or

I did that.

I could just choose the action of unconditional love.

I realized I could never control another's actions

and

 that my job here

was to live my life in an integrity

where I knew my God and I were good.

For me

that was a seismic internal shift.

So fast forward a year later

when 

a miracle pit bull brought hime back for the day

I could just love on him

without bringing our tumultuous past to the table.

I had realized

that it was up to me as his mother

to demonstrate unconditional love

without expectation

if we were ever to move forward.

As our relationship progressed

I had to sit quietly

and 

really listen to what was on his heart

without wanting to defend myself.

When I really listened to his heart

I realized just how similar we were

and 

how much I had miscommunicated 

my immense love for my son.

It was his courage to be emotionally honest

that enabled 

he and I to  begin to move forward

with honest determination and compassion.

It had been my hope every since my daughter's engagement

that Slater would be at the wedding

as much for his sake 

to realize what an intragal part of the family

he always will be

as for the rest of our family

to feel whole again.


And of course as his mother
I definitely wanted my son
and
our whole family to be present for the wedding of our daughter.

Slater was not only at the wedding

but 

Slater

was truly my 

Wedding Hero.

It was with his support, love and encouragement

that I was able to

not only get though the rehearsal dinner and wedding

but

to be able to show up for the wedding 

as the loving family matriarch 

that I was hoping to be.
I am truly grateful for his love and support
during such an emotional event.

That memory  of his love and support
will live in my heart forever.

As Slater was walking me down the aisle
of  Ellis's wedding

he said

"did you ever think last year,

we'd be here'.

I hadn't even had the courage

to hope 

that we'd truly be

'where we are'.

I am so very proud of the man my son has become.
Our journey has been a tumultuous one.

But just like when I had cancer

and 

came out of that frightening journey

 so much a better a soul
with
gratitude at the end for the lessons learned on the journey.

I am grateful for how my soul and heart
have grown
and
the lessons I have learned on the excruciating journey through estrangement.

As painful as the estrangement has been

I am a better person through it all.
And now  have nothing but compassion for all of us
who navigate relationships with family.

I offer
the  Story

of my son and I

and 

our ability 

to 

Untangle Our Estrangement

in hopes to encourage others walking a similar path.

I remember in my darkest days

of our estrangement

feeling so hopeless.

But now I know

with lots of love, patience

and 

really listening

and 

a whole bunch of Grace

Estrangements sometimes can be Untangled
ending with a much improved relationship
and
much love and respect for each other.

Slater thank you for your emotional bravery

and 

for truly being my Wedding Hero

during such an important family time.

Much love my dear.

Much Love.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life

Final posts on Estrangement

Finding the Magic In Life - Learning to see life's magic
even in the midst of heartache.

Self Care During the Holidays