A Pit Bull Miricle


Some moments are so easy for me to write about.
Others that are still so green in my heart
not so much.
This one has taken me over six weeks to live with and mull over.

Actually that's not true.
This one was so big
even I had to file it away
until I felt not only was my heart safe with it
but I could share honestly.
That I could sort out the moments of the afternoon succinctly from
the past or the future.

It began like a regular recent day.
Me making breakfast for my youngest son who is in college
and
 works a shift at Ups that starts at 3:00 in the morning.
He had recently been in contact with my estranged older son.

Text messages about an abandoned dog were coming in from him.

My younger son has always wanted a dog.
I have always had a big fear of dogs.
One of those old mental tapes that I haven't updated since I was a five year old
bitten by a dog.

I knew hopes of adopting this dog were going to be introduced.
I  stood firm with my no.
But I understood my youngest's desire to go look.
"But your'e not bringing him home"
floated in the air before 
bye, Love you followed him to his car.

Those of you who follow my blog
know of my intense heartache over my older son's 
decision to estrange himself from our family.
I have written several times of my anguish.
So I have been  ever so relieved recently at the reengagement of the brothers.

On my way out to buy a birthday present for my daughter's  fiancĂ©
I got a call form the younger
about how wonderful the large dog really was.
I had been expecting that.
But what I wasn't at all prepared for 
was that the elder son
was wiling to help bring the dog home.

I remember going almost numb at the idea.
Something I had dreamt of for almost a year and a half.
I was afraid to breathe
that maybe this was a dream.

Nothing like getting over a lifetime of dog fears
with the too good to be true promise of seeing an estranged child.
I calmly said that was fine.
I was going to run errands
so I would't be home when they arrived
but they were more than welcome to make themselves at home
dog included
 until my return.

It was such a strange feeling
being so close to getting something I had prayed so hard for almost two years
and 
still going about my tasks.

I think it was disbelief it could really be happening
that I was going to be able to see a son whose absence from my life
had been almost as hard as the death of my sister.
I felt that afternoon
that everything I did had to be in order.
As if I skipped something from my all ready to do list
I would jinx what could be.

I  went into hostess mode 
and
 stopped for snacks on my way home.

I even wondered if I could handle the seeing him properly.
When  relationships have been that strained
I was so fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing.
I even thought of having a good friend come over
as my husband was out of town.

But I decided to trust my intention of love
and 
just go in.

Walking in
there my son was
in the backyard he grew up in.
It seem so normal and surreal all in the same moment.
I looked to the left and saw one of the largest dogs I have ever seen in my life,


A great big  pit bull.

A dog that imbued all of my dog fears to the nth degree.

But I had absolutely no fear.
All I saw was an animal that had gotten my son home.
I saw what was to me a miracle dog.

Pleasantries were exchanged

I felt afraid to breath.
Afraid if I did
the moment would disappear.

I had a feeling for the first time in my life
that I just wanted to slow down time.
Even make it stop for a few moments if I could.
A feeling of utter contentedness
of just being in the moment.
I don't know if ever in my life I have ever been so present.

I was just so very happy to see my son.
That he was actually here.


The pit bull had given my son an opportunity to come home.
Given us all something else to focus on.
An ability to be in the moment
without the bearing the whole weight of two Christmas's he had missed with us.
We were just here now.
Marveling at the glorious creature playing in our backyard.
Together.

During my son's visit I was able to
 hug him 
so tight 
for so long.
I was able to tell him
his being there was 
answered prayers.

I got to tell him I was proud of his ability to be on his own.
I was able to let him know how very much I loved him.
He was right there with me.
I got to let him know all the love that was in my heart.
That I was proud of him for coming home to visit.
I got to sit next to him on our couch.

I was even euphoric enough to make plans for his return to visit 
Chop
the name my boys gave to what I will always think of as 
the miracle dog.


Most of me knew at the time
the likely hood of us being able to keep such dog was a stretch.
But I didn't want reality 
to spoil moments that I had dreamt of.
I just wanted the moments
and
if even briefly
the promise
and 
the dream of our family being reunited once again.
I wanted the now
and
I wanted the future.
I could feel the yearning in my soul
for a happily ever after.
I wanted the past situations to be erased
I wanted the perfect storybook ending 
I wanted …
I could feel myself wanting so much.
I could feel myself leaving the present in wanting more
and 
more.
And as I felt this happening …
I could feel my son closing down.
I knew my wanting more of him
was shutting down
the moments of authentic love in the now.
As I said goodbye that night
I knew if would be a long while until I saw him again.



But I kept a pit bull in our house for five days
in a desperate hope of the heart that I could make it work
to be able to hold on to the only tie I had to a son I loved desperately.

In the end reality prevailed
the dog had to move on to new permanent owners
but along the way 
I fell in love with Chop
and
 finally I understood what I never had before
that when a dog comes into your heart
it's a real love.


I haven't seen my oldest son since that afternoon.

But six weeks later I know that our time together
was an authentic exchange of love.
Things might not to be where I would want them to be
but nobody can take away
the time
that a pit bull brought my boy back
if only for an afternoon.

And I know
that miracles really do happen.


As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life











20 comments:

  1. What a change of attitude over a dog can bring. Instead of focusing on your fear.
    I'm so impressed. Thanks for sharing more about your difficult walk.
    I'm sure you know that having found a way home once, it will happen again.
    Parenting is the hardest job, to just tip toe down the line and get the balance right.
    Wishing YOU much love and joy as you style your life! Xo Jazzy Jack

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dear thank you for your kind and encouraging words. My heart is so very grateful.

      xox
      Tamera

      Delete
  2. Your account of that emotional visit is so beautiful....
    Words escape me.
    XO

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a heartfelt and touching post. I hope that this tentative first step toward reuniting family is followed by a second...and I'm glad to hear that Chop has found a home. What a beautiful dog he is!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Even after knowing most of this heartfelt happening, I'm still in tears. You were wise, my friend to let it sit in your own heart and soul for the last six weeks and just treasure these mama thoughts before sharing so eloquently the memories with us. I do believe whole heartedly in miracles and like you said, sometimes they are delivered by a sweet and loving spirited dog. Love you, my dear friend.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a brave and wonderful post, Tamera. Thank you so much for writing about such a personal situation. Parenting is the toughest job (and the most wonderful of course!) and it throws up so many unknowns and challenges. It has certainly stretched me and continues to do so. Being present is the only real way to live but it can be so hard! To want but not need. To love unconditionally. Acceptance and respect. To know we each do our best. My own daily challenges with my son! I am also a big believer in miracles! Lots of love to you, as always you inspire <3 I adore the last picture of the 4 of you! Ruth xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tearing up here. That lovely dog was a miracle. Very beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What a wonderful and intimate experience. Thank you so much for trusting us enough to share this part of yourself. Lots of comforting thoughts to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Tearing up too. What a heartfelt post.

    Thinking of you x

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear Tamara,
    I cannot begin to convey how happy I am that you had this reunion with your son.
    Miracles do happen and you were open to this wonderful dog bringing you back together!

    xoxo
    Karena
    The Arts by Karena

    ReplyDelete
  10. A miracle dog, indeed, and one of those 'meant to be' events. Thank you for writing from the heart, so beautifully. Your joy shines out in that lovely photo of the four of you, and I know your son will return again, another day, another time. x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Tamera, sometimes I wonder if animals can be angels...maybe that sounds crazy, but here comes this precious dog out of the blue and an appointment with your son occurs. Now, you must hold on to hope that it will occur again. It may be a different angel who brings him by...but I just no deep inside it will happen. I think you have seen that home is still in his heart. Hang on to hope.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Such a brave woman you are, Tamera! we your readers celebrate every success in your career and in your life. Miraculous indeed! a true Mother Courage growing more beautiful on the inside by the day. Thanks for sharing!

    Regards, Luciana.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh Tamera, this is so sweet I'm just holding back tears right this moment. That sweet pup had a plan, even if short lived, to help the two of you break the ice that had formed over times of estrangement. You will have that moment to cherish for some time now and no doubt the distance that was shortened during that visit will help your son to let go of guilt, which I think plays a big part in a child choosing to stay away. It's like, the longer it gets the harder it is for them to justify deserving your love. My son stays away for some of this very reason. Then when he truly needs me he will mention it through his sister and I come running to help however I can. Hurt, but grateful for that moment. Then the door closes again, for months, or years, and I must wait in patience again. It's a hard one isn't it? It's often the last thing mothers think about before going to sleep at night. The secret part is never sharing that pain with the child because it will push them away even more.
    Years ago I use to collect quotes and sayings on pieces of paper and one particular one I tucked away for years when by kids were very young. It was a quote by Confucious that said, "The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears." It's so very true.
    I appreciate you sharing with honesty Tamera.
    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Tamera. I've followed your blog for some time but this post compelled me to comment. I've had a difficult year or so with husband being diagnosed with life limiting condition & losing my 2 elderly fur babies (golden retrievers ). I was on autopilot blocking my emotions until husband was stable at which point the missing my dogs became so overwhelming. Replacing my dogs wasn't an option & I'm allergic to cats. One very cold day a beautiful stray cat arrived whilst I was sitting devastated on my patio. I'm not allergic to her

    ReplyDelete
  15. Surprises come in all shapes and sizes, this one came as one large dog. This is one small step and your son has reconnected with his family even if only for a short time. I feel sure he left feeling loved and supported by his wonderful mother. Thinking of you, dearest Tamera. xx

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sometime a miracle comes in the shape of a large pitbull - this is such a moving post. It is wonderful that you were given the gift of reconnection with your eldest son, even if for a short while. It is terribly hard to remain in the moment when one is experiencing something greatly desired - you are wondering if/when it will happen again, and it's a challenge to focus on savoring the present experience. Sounds like Chop was the perfect distraction, and he allowed your and your son to connect without as much pressure/intensity as there would have been in other circumstances.

    ReplyDelete
  17. As you are so strongly doing... you can only work on your own feelings in reaction to events. Thank you for your honesty; it's a privilege to know you and such as you.
    Warmest Wishes
    Cassandra

    ReplyDelete
  18. oh my, for some reason I've only just caught up with this post. What a raw and honest account. I hope and pray that Chop is the miracle that sets a new path for you and your son. If nothing more, you had that afternoon and he has seen you all, been back in your home - the first and hardest barriers have been broken and hopefully, in time and with the contact between your sons, more barriers will be brought down. sending you much love, I can only imagine how hard this must be to live through. It makes me realise how much we must be grateful for our own lives - sometimes, I look at your blog and I read your words and see your beautiful artistic creative life and I must confess I feel quite envious. And yet what you go through with this situation, well, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and can think of nothing that would be more painful. We all have our blessings and our trials, and what I love so much is your honesty in sharing both. Sending much love to you x x
    Julie
    @bohomumma

    ReplyDelete