I spend much time these days
focusing on the beauty in my life.
I have a truly grateful heart for so much beauty in my everyday.
But so much of the focus on the beauty many times
is an attempt
to outrun the pain.
To fill my heart with the good and bright in an attempt to outrun
and
not succumb the darkness
I feel inside.
Some days
the exhaustion of this run
catches up with me.
Some days
the exhaustion of this run
catches up with me.
And I realize
I must stop to acknowledge
the truth of my pain
not to
dwell in the heartache
but rather
to let it out
so it doesn't fester and become worse.
I believe I need to acknowledge the pain
so I don't feel so frantic in my attempt to distance myself
thinking I can outrun it's clutches
by casting huge nets of gratitude over my life.
Maybe it is by acknowledging and owning our sadness
we can make both sense and peace with it.
Maybe it is even with a broken heart of darkness
that we can truly see the light most brightly.
Maybe life is really about
finding balance
in the good and the bad in life.
Many times in life I have witnessed
the best and the worst of life
in the very same moments.
When I met and fell in love with my husband
my sister would pass soon afterwards.
It took some time to learn to navigate
the road of the immensity of true love
with the anguishing grief of loss.
Maybe we are meant to learn to hold
all of life in our heart at once
in order to remember
to truly bring focus to savoring the good and beautiful.
These days
I live with life's duality
on a regular basis.
On the one hand
my life has never been better.
I have so very much to be overwhelmingly grateful for.
I have so very much to be overwhelmingly grateful for.
I also have the supreme luxury
of deciding each day
how to spend my day
an artistic freedom
I have yearned for my entire life.
I have finally achieved this quest.
But each day
I also have an aching empty heart
as my children have moved on with their lives
and
I am left with one I don't even recognize.
But the greatest heartache
The situation is looking even bleaker these days.
So I think for me I need to stop today
take a breath
fully acknowledge the pain
in an attempt to contain it
and
not let it spread like a wildfire
not let it spread like a wildfire
into every aspect of my life.
Instead of running from it today
I will take my power back
by acknowledging
it's presence.
With the self knowledge
that I am strong
I can learn to make peace with pain
and
become stronger
and
more loving
because of it.
I will continue to ask myself
What Can I Learn From This.
I will continue to ask myself
What Can I Learn From This.
When I feel like I will be pulled under
by the feelings of loss
I will remember how …
on his 20th birthday two weeks ago
a day
I feared I could not get through
knowing he wanted nothing to do with our family
knowing he wanted nothing to do with our family
I found myself
in the soul affirming Carribean
on a catamaran
filled with happy souls
as the sun was setting
against the skyline of Cancuun
against the skyline of Cancuun
at the very moment of his birth
by
no planning of my own.
I truly felt the gift of divine intervention.
I will always remember that moment
because
I truly believe there is ever so much more
to life
than what we can see today.
I pressed that sacred moment
deep into my heart
never to be forgotten
as a perfect memory
of the miracles and magic
that can still happen …
even amongst the pain in our heart
and
sometimes
precisely when we need them the most.
as a perfect memory
of the miracles and magic
that can still happen …
even amongst the pain in our heart
and
sometimes
precisely when we need them the most.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joy
as you style your life
I find it hard to comment because this is a post I could have written. How hard it is to find balance between joy and sadness, especially when it involves our children. You have shared beauty at the same time expressing your pain.
ReplyDeleteTamera, I love how you selected GOLD to visually tell your story...when we are put through the refiner's fire, then GOLD comes out. I think life is about learning to walk in the balance and allow the FIRES to make us GOLD and not scorch us into black pieces. I told you recently that my daughter moved away and then moved back on my street...well, they are now moving to the other side of the world with both of my precious grandchildren (one yet to be born). Naturally, we are devastated. But, I have peace we will see them again. In the midst of dealing with their move...which will stretch over the next 11-12 weeks, before it is completely done...I found out one of my skin bumps tested positive and I have to go see a Skin Cancer surgeon. But, again, I choose to live one day at a time...with hope for an amazing future...today I choose joy and will enjoy the people God has placed in my life.Life is short and I want to savor all of the special moments and people I can. I think you are wise to acknowledge your pain and not try to hide it. We all need to acknowledge it...my daughter knows we are so sad...but my SIL got a great job offer and we are happy for him and what this means for their family. Walking on that balance beam takes practice, but we can do it. You are inspirational and beautiful...and I know will persevere on. True gold after the fire.
ReplyDeleteTamera, you are very much in my thoughts as you travel this very difficult road. My own experiences have taught me to be kind and gentle to myself and accept the sadness at whatever level it appears on any given day. Some days you just need to wrap yourself in a warm blanket and escape the world. Your heartfelt words and meaningful images are so touching and inspiring.
ReplyDeleteTake care my dear , Jill XX
Thank you for your honesty and wisdom. I needed to read it today because I have similar issues in my own life, and feel that they could easily drag me down if I let them. Just the very act of parenting leaves us so open and vulnerable. I pray that you (and I) will feel God's continual healing presence as we continue life's journey. Many blessings.
ReplyDeleteNamaste my friend...I know a little about the pain that you speak of here in this post.
ReplyDeleteGratitude has helped me navigate some rocky times.
Never give up or give in...you are one amazing woman.
I love your blog because you always remind me to look for (and create) beauty in life. I am in a parental pain of a different sort and I agree, there is something about it that can bring you to your knees faster than anything else. I know the feeling of wanting to run from it.... and I appreciate the reminder that the pain has to be acknowledged. Sending you the warmest, healing thoughts I can.
ReplyDeleteTamera - You are clearly speaking for many of us in this post and I simply want to add my voice. No one reminds us as we take our babies in our arms for the very first time and we instantly love them to the moon and back that we must raise them in order to let them go. It seems like a particularly First World 21st century issue. We could live in a culture where all family generations live together all their lives. My daughter lives 2500 miles away and every day I miss her terribly. Jeanne/twotakeonstyle.com
ReplyDeleteI get that "life I don't recognize". It's strange to get what you want and not know how to make it work.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post, and your images particularly poignant. My son is getting ready to leave for college next year--separation comes in so many forms. I love your blog.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a good instinct when it comes to your emotions Tamera. When i read these kind of posts i can see you working it out through your writing so by the end you seem to answer your own questions. How wise and brave to recognize when you are avoiding your pain. This is a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteThey say life is a circle. I can't help but feel that while your son appears to moving away, eventually his "circle", his journey will reach it's axis. At that time and point, he will make his inevitable return to home and hearth.
ReplyDelete