Disconnected Writings


Disconnected Writings
That is the phrase I woke up to this morning
a phrase that stuck with me 
as I awoke.
The only lingering words of departing dreams
a catch phrase
that stuck
as I turned it over and over in my mind
even before I opened my eyes.


I take lingering dreams seriously
I believe they have messages
to help me untangle
what I can't put into place 
some waking days.


But
 disconnected writings
made me stop and try to decode the message.

I did.

I can always tell when I get to my truth
because 
the realizations usually bring forth
a torrent of tears in the wake.


Not sad tears necessarily
more a release
of tensions that have been building
even without me knowing.

Tears and truth 
can both be very freeing.


I realized
disconnected writings
could be a name for my blog

because I do two things in this space.

I love to share style ideas.

But I also share my life truths.


I was in an unusually bad mood yesterday
one of those moods
that I just couldn't put my finger on
as I barreled through my to do lists.

No amount of accomplishment could undo the feeling.
I could feel in my mind
what I wanted to accomplish
but my heart just wasn't in it.

I was in the space I do to myself periodically.
High expectations of accomplishment
as a way
to distance myself from heartache.

Every since my Mother's Day 
writing here about the estrangement
I feel I have doubled up my drive
to change my reality from sadness
to accomplishment.

I have even thought many times
about reverting that post to draft
as if that would change the reality.


I get the disconnected writings message.

You see
I would love for this blog to be only about
 the pretty and beautiful.
A space where only shiny ideas 
are pristinely presented.

I wish I could be that person.

but I'm not 
nor will I ever be.

I am someone 
who will probably always have 
a predisposition towards sadness and depression.
I will always be someone who feels 
so very deeply
the good and the bad.

I know by now to
not to go down the rabbit hole
I have to practice a lot of 
self care and self compassion.


I am sure 
disconnected writings
came about
because
I was planning out my blog posts.

Shiny pretty posts
like

Really quick and easy
Memorial Day
 decorating.

Posts that were as far away from
'that' post as I could get.


Today I realize
writing from my heart
about my real life

and

writing and sharing my 
styling a beautiful life

don't have to be disconnected.


Because 
they are both my truths.

Having sadness in your life
doesn't mean
you can't search for beauty in life.

Maybe it means
you need to search even harder
for the beauty 
as a salve for your soul.

As a reminder

Even in darkness there is light.


I will take from

'disconnected writings'

a realization
that it is OK if
writing from my heart about my real life
and
writing and sharing
my styling a beautiful life
 both exist.

I needn't feel embarrassed
that my life isn't perfect.
It doesn't detract from my ability
to create beauty.

On the contrary
my imperfect life
makes me able to truly appreciate
the beauty
in the seasons of life.


And by the way ... 
My Memorial Day decorating 
 really is quick and easy!

I have collected flags for years.
I simply group  them in my planters
inside and out
for a burst of patriotic cheer!


As always my friends


I wish you love and joy
as you style your life












33 comments:

  1. No one's life is perfect, least of all mine. Finding and creating beauty is such an important balm for the soul. Everyone's soul. Sharing your truth helps so many who don't feel brave enough to. Bravo Tamera! I pay very close attention to my dreams too. Our mind is not "off" while we're sleeping, unlike what some believe. The filters may be different, but they come from our mind and worthy of examination. xoJennifer

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    1. Thank you my dear friend … for your kind and encouraging words. I guess I am still coming to terms with the situation. I used to think if I didn't mention it … 'it' would go away … then I thought if I talked about it … that might make it better. I am beginning to realize … it is still with me … and the sadness is just a part of my life right now … but only one part.

      xoxo
      Tamera

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  2. Dear Tamara I am so sorry to hear of your sons choice. I am 44 and have friends and relatives that suffer the same pain. You are not alone. Choosing estrangement away from family is so hard to understand.

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    1. Thank you Marianne for your understanding words. It is really hard to understand and I appreciate your kindness.

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  3. Oh my goodness Tamera, none of our (your friends) lives are perfect! Some just choose not to write about it all. Sometimes it is good and soothes the soul. Sometimes we need to just bring some beauty to each other, (always need more of that!)
    I left you a message on Facebook because I did not have your email....check it out!

    Xoxo
    Karena
    The Arts by Karena

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    1. Thank you very much Karena. You are quite right my dear! I sometimes question why I even write about these things … but sometimes it does help to put the pieces together for me … to help accept things as they are.

      So excited about your message! I can't wait!!

      xoxo
      Tamera

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  4. I do not know anyone who lives CONNECTED WRITING! I think all of us in our own ways live DISCONNECTED...because my life as a teacher, a blogger, a mom, a grandmother, a wife, a writer, are all so very different at times...some parts joyful, some not. But, deep down they are connected to me. It is the same of you...your highs, lows, style, decor, family are all a part of you CONNECTED to you and it is Tamera that makes visiting this place special. What is also connected to you is your pain from your son. But, I do and will always believe the prodigal will one day return. Because we are women, fearfully and wonderfully made, that we can experience all of this at once.

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    1. Pam thank you so very much for your beautiful and encouraging words. They are a true gift of poetic inspiration to my soul.

      xoxo
      Tamera

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  5. Life for most is never a smooth road, it is how we learn to deal with the inevitable rough bits that make us who we become as kind, compassionate beings.Your honest , insightful writing is what makes you such a joy to visit, never feel your writing is disconnected,
    it portrays all in your life not just the superficial. Our dreams have a way of influencing our lives in a way that we don't always appreciate.
    Take care my dear . x

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  6. Thank you dearest Jill, for your kind and comforting words. I know you are very familiar with the painful parts of life, so your words have a particular eloquence for me. Please know I have such great admiration for your strength, fortitude, wisdom and tremendous kindness.

    xoxo
    Tamera

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  7. Having gone through a similar situation with my son, I know the sadness you are feeling. It took a tremendous amount of work on my part (and with the help of a wonderful counselor/therapist) to know that what my son was going through was not my fault - the guilt was overwhelming. I also had to get to the point in my life where I KNEW my self worth was not dependent on what my son did or did not do/accomplish/become. There was a long period of time where I did not feel I was worthy of happiness, love, beauty, etc. But the hard work was so worth it. I learned to put my son and his life in a proper perspective. Learned I had been a good/loving mother, that his choices were his and not mine. I also learned or remembered to love him for who he was and not who I wanted him to be. Slowly but consistently I got "me" back. Knew I deserved beauty in my life and it was up to me to create that beauty. I think it is so important to learn the lesson that we have many parts to our lives - some sad, some ugly but most beautiful and full of love/happiness. And most importantly, we deserve the beautiful, the love, the happiness even when life is not always as we had planned. You deserve to style a beautiful life. Maybe during difficult times we deserve it even more. You are a special, love, beautiful and deserving woman!

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    1. Oh Terry, how I so identify with your journey … the sad parts … and the journey to find perspective and worth. You write about your process beautifully. On good days … I am am so there … some other days my heart breaks still. I know in my head I must let him go, accept the situation and love him unconditionally no matter his choices. Just some days …

      Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words … and sharing your story my dear … you are an inspiration.

      xoxo
      Tamera

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  8. Right there with you. A railroad track-one with good and one with tough things travel along together. (hugs) Jana

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    1. Yep … all those years ago … who would have ever known.

      much love,
      Tamera

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  9. Hi Tamara, I have been following your blog but have never thought to comment until now! You words have been particularly beautiful to me. I lost my eldest son to cancer when he was only 13 years and although I have other children since and a new husband the pain is always there, just beside me, hoping to be let in if I allow. there is indeed light in all that darkness and I am afraid that as a good and caring mother our sense of self worth is tied up in our children so to separate that is so hard but it needs to happen in order to survive. remember those words - if you love them let them go. I am positive your son will return to the family fold when maturity and life lessons enable him to do so. Have faith and in the meantime practice self worth and look after you. Cathy from Australiaxx

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    1. Cathy, thank you for sharing your story … and your wise, comforting words. These last four years, as my nest has begun to empty … I have definitely found the need to separate my own self worth … from my children … such a process … and yet so very important for everyone's success.

      And yes, " if you love them, let them go" really are words to live by right now. Thank you … for taking the time to share some life wisdom and great advice.

      xoxo
      Tamera







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  10. I wish I could take this pain away for you. Yet pain is a passage of the discomfort felt from one life experience to the next.
    The destiny would be thwarted if the path were aborted.
    So.. I cannot remove your pain, but I can be with you in it.
    -Denise

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    1. Yes my dear friend, you speak the truth. There is much about life and perspective to be learned on this journey … I know you know that only too well. My heart thanks you for your loving support and understanding.

      xoxo
      Tamera

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  11. Oh how brilliantly you weave real with beauty, dear Tamera.
    Isn't it a blessing for all of us to have this forum to connect to one another.
    I hope that you are able to find comfort and consolation within the words of this connection that you have created.
    I truly enjoy my visits with you, your home and it's surroundings.
    withLove.
    withLove

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    1. Lynne thank you very much my dear. And yes, you are quite right there is much comfort in the connections made. I am always so very moved by the heartfelt comments here ... and always believe so much of the beauty of this blog is truly in the messages shared in the comments.

      Congratulations once again for your son's success this week … I can see where he gets his big heart from!

      xoxo
      Tamera

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  12. I THINK THAT IT IS ONE OF THE REASONS THAT I LIKE YOUR POSTS, YOU KEEP IT `REAL `
    LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS SWEET , WONDERFUL AND PRETTY ?
    THANK YOU FOR SHARING
    SISSY

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    1. Thank you dear Sissy! I really appreciate your thoughtful comments my dear!

      xoxo
      Tameraw

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  13. Dear Tamera,

    From one lover of beauty to another, may you continue to find beauty to be a healing balm. Your photos in this post are especially beautiful. You are a master at vignettes, fellow SoCal gal! Know that they bring joy to others.

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    1. Thank you Kathryn! I appreciate your kind words! Thank you for sharing your beautiful La Jolla Garden Tour on your post today … such beauty!

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  14. Dear Tamera,

    Goodness, I think this post is very connected... "Memorial Day" is about loss and remembrance.

    Thank you very much for your inspiring words. Please know that your "words" have lifted my spirits on many, many days.

    Renee

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    1. Renee … thank you very much for your kind words … and insight. They have touched my heart.

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  15. OKAY, this box was not here this AM!Now, I can respond!
    NO, we do not want a PERFECT LIFE!Living is going up and down just like a swing and we do swing a lot!IT makes for more excitement and happiness and loads of wishing and wanting.If our LIFE was perfect we would have nothing to complain about or get excited about.Good grief what would we talk about!To live LIFE is to SHARE your LIFE with others............good or bad and thats EXACTLY what YOU are doing today!You are LIVING and I bet a lot of us out here in BLOG land wish we could be doing what your doing!
    As for that SON..............all I can say is there is no class in how to raise a healthy nice boy and you do it somehow.A few mistakes maybe but an awful lot of LOVE went into that BOY and I think he will be back!Count on it............and what a BLOG POST that will be!XOXOX

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  16. Tamera, I think your sweet little home and gardens and styling could qualify for the La Jolla Garden Tour kind of m.o. too. Perhaps you have a garden tour in your SoCal area that your home could be on next year!

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  17. Ps. I have that cherub bowl sitting on top of your urn!!!!!!!!!!!
    It hold our rock salt!

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  18. Tamera dear-It's these very two sides of your life and you that are so appealing. You share the incredible beauty you see in the world and the truth of those dark moments that we all experience at times. It's the weaving and blending that makes your blog so inspiring. Without the darkness the light would never shine as brightly.
    Beautiful post sweet friend.
    xx

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  19. loved this post.

    I always have sadness in my life which is why I strive so hard to make things beautiful. It doesn't tai away the sadness but it is a distraction.

    Thanks T x

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  20. Life is not perfect and sometimes we need the downside to appreciate the upside and it makes us strive harder to be grateful for the sweetness in our lives (our family, close friends, health, homes etc). You are an admirable, courageous woman and so very inspirational Temara. Thank you for sharing to us - deep rom your loving heart.

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  21. Tamera keeping it real is why I love your blog. The mix of real life and the beauty you create do connect. As mothers we are so wrapped up in our children's happiness that it is hard not to let that affect us, even when they are not with us. You gave so much as a mom, home schooling and all you did to make life special. That is in him and one day he will realize what he had and will return. He had too good a childhood not to. Do not let this hang over you, and go enjoy your happy times. You have to believe you did right by him and he has to grow up still. You have the most loving heart. Take care. xxoo Kim

    p.s. Love your flags. I redid my house this week and added succulents in urns like you!

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