Tamera Beardsley: empty nest

I feel I have't really written here is ages.

But there has been a lot of things going on

from a Mom's heart perspective
behind all the pictures of pretty clothes, crowns and parties.

There is our daughter's wedding in less thank two months

I now understand fully the drama and havoc

weddings can throw into your life.

As well as moments of

extreme sentiment.

There was my youngest and final child

moving out at the beginning of the year.

which for me always comes with

time spent grieving

before taking a deep breath

and

fully realizing in my heart
the achievement for all involved.

There has been the untangling

of an estrangement

with my oldest son.

Something that was so tender in my heart

I dared not write about it

until

I could exhale

and

know we were truly

good and solid.

This is a story and a process

unto it's self

that I will share at a later date
with my son's permission.

I am writing today

as a letter to myself

to remember the journey

A Nest Emptied.

I know I won't always feel this way

I will eventually fully cross this river of yet another

life transition.

But right now

it feels still a bit odd.

Not all bad by any means

Just so strange.

Last week I finished

changing out a final bedroom

into another

closet/guest room.

For me

clearing out the old

and
repurposing what is left

helps me move on emotionally

Tidy closets full of organized wardrobe

help fill in the void.

Not a perfect solution

but

a solution that is good for the now.

It's definitely not that I want any of my children to move back home

for I am wildly proud of them

for supporting themselves

and

the courage they have

to take life on

each in their own ways.

I think what I miss is

the definiteness of purpose

in my life.

When I was pregnant

and

while my children were growing up

there seemed to be so much information on motherhood

during those growing children into adult phases.

But then the information stopped

or
maybe
I was so certain that I thought

I already knew what an empty nest
looked like
I never searched

or
maybe

I think really

I was so invested in raising my children

the very best I could

I simply didn't or couldn't look ahead.

Most likely because

I loved them all so fiercely

I couldn't even imagine a day

when they would all be gone

from our family home.

And don't misunderstand

some days I can bask in the glow of a job well done

and

a calm, cozy home

with closet spaces

my wardrobe has taken over.

But then there are days

I wake to a life I don't even recognize.
And a heart that hurts so much
I wish I could just reach into my chest
so I could pull it out
and
set it on a shelf
just for a respite from the stabbing pain.
Just a break from a heartache.

Some days my life just all feels so different.
I feel like I can't quite get
solid footing.

Maybe
it's just that there seems to be so much flux in each of my children's lives.

We have been preparing

for over a year

for our daughter's wedding in May.

I have been so highly invested in

untangling the estrangement

with my oldest son

for the last year.
So afraid
I'd make a mistake
and
it would all come undone.

I am still letting it settle in my heart

that my youngest moved out and on.

We have weekly dinners with him

and

he and I do breakfast on our own

once a month.

So we are all 'good.'

Maybe it's that all these changes

that have me so emotional.

Maybe it's still

learning the always

transforming
that is

Holding On and Letting Go.
That life with children
is always about.

But I do know
it's just so important
to
take the time and reflect
on
a journey
that at times
seems to be speeding by.

To take the time
to savor
the bitter
which so often is
served with such sweetness in life.

I have always
found change a challenge.

So maybe
it's just giving myself
time and grace
to get used to this new view
that is
An Emptied Nest.

I have no doubt
I will eventually
fully realize
the beauty
in this newest
Life View.

But I have a fierce
Loving Momma's Heart.

So I will give myself time.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life

It's been a week since he left.

I knew it was coming

and

even still

the departure of my youngest

brought me to my knees.

I don't usually write about emotional situations

when they are still green in my heart …

But I fear if I don't write now

I will lose the authentic emotions.

I want to remember fully

crossing this ocean of transition

into a truly empty nest

no matter how hard it is.

That's how I know I will be able to usher in the next phase of my life

with honor, dignity and passion.

I want to remember

that I loved my son fiercely

and

still was able to let go with grace.

For me there is always a grieving process when they leave ...

As it has been

with each of my children as they have moved out

for lives of their own.

When my daughter left for college

I was so very lost

it took me a couple of years

to find myself again

after full time parenting for so long.

It was her leaving for college

that got me blogging.

I was at such a loss of self

I had absolutely no idea of personal direction

only that I had a huge gaping hole in my heart.

I started this blog organically and privately

by just focusing on finding one beautiful picture a day.

Hiking on the beach

reminded me

my life will go on …

even without her daily in my life.

I taught myself to focus on beauty and gratitude.

I made it through to be better than before.

When my oldest son left for college

I let his alarm clock ring every morning

in the emptiness

that was left behind.

I knew it would be a process of getting over another

gaping hole in my heart.

I gave myself time to mourn

a passing of a time in my life.

But I didn't give myself too much time.

I once again doubled up in my

focusing of gratitude and beauty.

This time

being as it was the third departure

I thought I would have it all together.

After not writing much of anything

of this final departure

I had imagined my first post on the subject

would be a glowing and helpful article on

Self Care During An Emptying Nest.

Instead this week it was more of

I'm Not Myself … Again.

I was right back as grief stricken … as I had been before.

Such a roller coaster of emotions it's been this week.

From the first departure day of

I've got this just fine.

I'm sad

but I've processed his leaving

before the fact

so I'm emotionally healthy and good.

To the next night of not even being able to sleep

due to such severe heartache.

Which made the idea of getting out of bed the next day

too overwhelming.

To almost a week

of the saddest haunting dreams

of seeing their homes

but no front doors …

To a myriad of dreams that seem to unleash every loss memory

I ever had.

Children leaving home

even under the best of circumstances

as all of mine have left ...

are one of life's truly bittersweet moments.

Filled with the sweetest of
I couldn't be prouder of the wonderful individuals they have become.

Loving adults

full of character, strong work ethics

going after their own passions in life.

Just as I have always hoped they would be.

Just what I had worked so diligently for

their entire life.

I am proud and grateful.

But such bitterness in the exact same moments.

I had to overcome the urge at one point
to flail myself around

in my broken heartedness of the feelings of loss in the moment.

The irrational feelings of my lower self feeling used up

and

left behind.

(Lack of sleep never helps any emotional situation).

I have allowed myself some pity parties

this week

but I was very careful

to schedule them alone in my room.

I didn't want any of "this" to spill out and mar any other relationships.

Although

a best friend

let me rant and rail on an early morning hike

and

for that

I will be ever grateful.

C. you know I love you

and other friends
who hiked with me this week
and
reminded me that there is so much more good to come!

As the days have passed

today

felt a breaking of the grief

a lightening of spirit.

I am so grateful

I have been practicing good self care all week …

So putting back the preverbal pieces

will be easier

this third time around.

I have no doubt

there will still be emotional storms

to ride out regarding my truly empty nest.

They come like swells in the ocean …
sometimes you are lifted up to the crest
where you can see the beautiful shore coming nearer
only to be taken down the face
with no vision
but that of waves on either side.

But for today
my higher self is back
and

I can see the the shore

for the first time since Hunter moved out.

I will still miss him

but his move is local

and

has already returned for our weekly family dinners.