self loathing...continues...part3.

*This is the final installment of a three part series.
Tomorrow's post is much brighter....on self care...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Up until high school 
self loathing was an intermittent visitor...

I found solace and comfort in the known expectations of school
I knew I was in the popular circles...
I felt successful...
for the most part....

but there began a little  gnawing
at being a little bigger than the other girls...

and
the misfortune of living next door to a littler girl with the same name
helped none...
our names and identities were distinguished with  the preceding adjectives...
big...and little.


I don't know quite why, but by high school
self loathing had taken up permanent residence...
it was as a sophomore that she raised the idea of suicide for the first time.
it was the inescapable hopelessness she brought...
the feeling
that no matter how successful at overachieving....
I became...
there was a hole in my soul...
I could never fill.
that try as I may
I felt I could never have impact on my own life.


 The summer before leaving  for college at NYU
I remember quite vividly reading Mademoiselle magazine...
finding an article on bulimia...
a newly discovered eating disorder at the time...
I took not it's dangers from the article...
but rather the idea...
at the time to me...
a perfect idea.

my problems were solved....
I had happened on an idea
where I could have my cake and not....


Needless to say...
my problems only intensified...
and spent the next 6 years
in a cycle of
over achieving followed by splintering apart under the pressure.
The cycle was firmly established.
with bulimia  my constant companion.
I eventually graduated from UCLA years later


 Soon after  I met my husband
and within 4 months of meeting him
my sister died in a coma
from mistakes made after her corrective heart surgery....

the two years which followed...
unspeakable pain for my family...
the loss of my dear sister,
hospitalization of both my parents,
a brain tumor for my mom,
cancer for me.
I still feel guilty for leaving my little brother
who was 14 at the time...
to basically fend for himself...
so guilty in fact...
I have never told him how sorry I am...
and how I would do it so differently now...


But,
as many times in life...
the years that followed such tragedy
became the best of times.

I was euphorically happy in my marriage,
began a design business that was the culmination of a life long dream....
eventually had three wonderful children...

at which time I closed the door on even thinking about my past...
concentrating on becoming the
Perfect mother.

Fast forward
20 years...
my child rearing at it's end...

and situations that have occurred here...

have  given me purpose and  time to reflect...
once again...
on self loathing....
the feeling that no matter what I did....
it was never good enough

realizing I have tried to out run her..
over the preceding years....
or at least dull her voice


in a futile attempt to be
 a perfect mother

but having heard it loud and clear...
that I have not been...
and
as much as this breaks my heart....

I must look at how I got here....

realize I can not out run my
self loathing...
but must embrace her...
hear her message...
make peace that my attempts for perfection at anything
are futile at best.

I must learn self care
and self acceptance
to go forward...
and make peace with the fact...
I am not, nor ever will be the perfect anything....

and some how find a place to
 become ok with it.

to begin investing in the
sacred ordinary
that is my life.

as always dear friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life


***a special thank you to all of you that have left such encouraging comments
and emails during this difficult week...you are in my heart***





11 comments:

  1. Tamera, my heart goes out to you. I also struggled with eating disorders for much of my life, and still struggle with being larger than I'd prefer. I know that sharing these struggles does help others in knowing that we're not alone, and I hope it's helping you too. Where do these feelings of being "not good enough" come from and how can we quiet that voice once and for all? I'm finding that age helps me to pay far less attention to it.

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  2. Dear Tamera. Your story has touched me. Nobody is perfect, but you've got to have a great personality. Your story, full of difficulties, show me you're a great woman, strong, elegant and tender. Glad to meet you, you are a help to the hesitant.

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  3. Dear Tamera,
    We all do the very best we can with the strengths and abilities we possess at the time. Who is perfect? We all are, just as we exist at this moment. Self love is not something I was taught, I needed to learn it for myself. I work to maintain it each day as the internal ego is never quiet and frequently unkind to me. My own ego. We all need to focus on living today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow won't matter if you've wasted today.
    Sending you love and strength,feel it, take it. Be kind to yourself and breathe.
    Jennifer

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  4. Thank you soooo much for courageously sharing your story. At some point, we do have to embrace the person we are, not the person we wish we were, otherwise you have no peace in your heart, and are unable to enjoy the life you have. I have had a voice in my head since I was a teenager that told me that I was alone and always would be, and depression became a familiar companion throughout my adult life. Remaining present is sometimes the only thing that gets you through when the noise in your head is all negative. Self care and acceptance are extremely important. Take care of yourself, and know that you are part of a community of fiercely intelligent, creative, inspiring and stylish women who are not afraid to put themselves out there.

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  5. Wow, Tamera, I had no idea these demons existed for you....you do seem perfect in every way...and I so want to thank you for sharing your story and showing us that it's ok to struggle, that things aren't always what they seem and EVERYONE struggles. Hugs to you

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  6. Tamera, If you were in the same room with me, I would reach out and squeeze your hand and say, "thank you." You are many miles across this country from me, I am sending you a virtual hand squeeze and a very loud THANK YOU! What a treasure your honesty is to so many. What a brave and lovely human being you are. Here is to self acceptance, imperfection and the delight it can bring knowing we can be okay with it!
    Barb

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  7. Tamera, what a touching post. I think many of us have dealt with that very powerful thing called self loathing. You've been through so much, but you are all the more beautiful for it. You look and sound the wiser for it. My current husband (first marriage was a long, hard, and sad story) says "it's all about how you handle it." In other words, you sound like a fighter with a great attitude!

    xoxo
    Lynn

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  8. Ah, you have been through so much, life is indeed unfair.
    The sacred ordinary - this sounds wonderful, I hope you will explain it more. Best to you xx

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  9. I know that you are likely much harder on yourself than others are, and that you are an amazing woman in so many ways. About 11 years ago, I started counseling, and finally took a hard, honest, unflattering look at things I'd done that make me cringe, but still I did them and they happened. Mistakes are a part of living, but the ability to own them and apologize for them is no small thing. Learning from them helps, too :)

    I've always thought that counseling saved my life, and that it was a closed book after it passed, and I moved on. Much to my surprise, I find myself on the same couch a decade later, but with different things to look at and own. That's why the good moments are so good - and the bad moments will pass, with insight and support from friends, family, and well, yes, sometimes professionals.

    On a lighter note, those earrings, Tamera! They make me happy just looking at them.

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  10. Dear Tamera, I'm sorry to have fallen behind in my reading and blogging and to be just catching up now. Everything about this post speaks to transformation: your incredible perspective, honesty, and clarity combined with these exquisite photographs of you in the sunshine, with the amazing particulars of outfit and setting. Wishing you well in the peace and sacred ordinary you are embracing.

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  11. Tamera, I can't believe I am finally coming to your blog and reading this. I was stunned recently, when I discovered that little girls at age FOUR are suffering from anorexia. It is an epidemic. I have been wanting to write about it because it hits close to home for me too. So weird Tamera, when I was growing up my very thin cousins were the norm and me, with more muscle, was always a bit bigger and I hated it. I never looked like them, even when I starved myself to get there. Bulimia has been a buddy to me in the past as well, I could talk about this for days. Amazing how the souls find each other, no matter what the distance, they connect. xo

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