I'm trying to remember...
when self loathing entered the picture for the first time....
I believe I was quite young when she first started visiting....
I was about 6 and my baby sister had just been diagnosed
with down syndrome and...a life threatening heart defect.
My parents were out here in California without other family...
I could feel sadness and fear take over the house.
I remember thinking...
I had to be extra, extra good ....
to make up for all the bad that was happening....
I remember trying so hard to be a 'good girl'...
not cause any more problems
in a situation that was so overwhelming for my parents...
my sister needed so much...
and since I didn't have any 'problems'
I believed I didn't have... couldn't have any needs.
I don't know exactly when
but I remember turning to food for comfort.
but some how in that process...
self loathing moved in... and stayed.
The battle had begun...
the battle of wanting to do good,
to be perfect in order to deflect some of the pain felt by everyone in our home.
the turning to food to escape....
the self loathing that followed
because I felt needing comfort was weak...
and imperfect...
Self loathing had moved in...
and made her home.
*this is the 2nd of a 3 part series- to be followed by a post on self care.
I too, had to be a non needy child because my family was so involved with caring for my older brother. I began lying to myself and everyone else that things were perfect. I had to be strong long before I should have needed to be. Self loathing never came my way luckily, but the need to control and make things perfect certainly did. I was the "adult" by 5. Be strong and kick self loathing to the curb where she belongs. We all do what we can to the very best of our capabilities at the time. Thinking good thoughts for you. Be in nature and breathe freshness into your heart.
ReplyDeleteJennifer
I applaud you on your openness and bravery to let yourself be so vulnerable. This could not have been an easy post to write and publish.
ReplyDeleteSo many people are not able or don't want to look back at their upbringing and see what caused them to act or feel the way they do. I think doing so and "going there" is half the battle.
I have been working with a life coach on and off since my mid-30's. One of the first things she had me do 10+ years ago was read "Taming Your Gremlin". It's an easy read - just a small book - and it really helped me manage that horrible little voice in me that told me never-ending rotten things....all based around self-loathing, guilt, shame. I wrote a blog post about it. I hope you don't mind if I put the url here in this comment but I want you to see it because I think you would find it valuable.
http://therichlifeonabudget.blogspot.com/2010/11/be-kind-to-you.html
Hugs to you and thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in such an authentic way.
xo, A
Tamera, your honesty and openness are so generous, but my heart breaks for a little girl experiencing so much pain. I don't think parents realize how sensitive young children are to adult stressors, and how their perceptions, without comfort or reassurance, can overwhelm and control their worlds for years.
ReplyDeleteI have always been prone to self loathing too I still am, there are some days where I just can;t stand myself and feel such a failure. it's the curse of us sensitive types.
ReplyDeleteDear Tamera, I echo Lynne's entire comment, and send love and compassion to that younger self of yours who found ways to survive, as well as to the courageous woman you are today. Your conclusion, pointing toward self-care, speaks volumes of your wisdom.
ReplyDeleteOh, Tamera! What incredible honesty, insight, bravery, and fortitude you are showing. I see you in me. I see you in my daughter. And...I see you in so many women today who are ridiculously pressured with physical expectations. And then we have children...and there is a jolt of not only self-reflection, but a chance to do thing differently. But with it comes the difficulty and fear of making new mistakes, new achievements, but more pressures. I think you and I are working out so much childhood baggage through our blogs. I had to chuckle b/c you mentioned you went to NYU. Do you know I did too?? Sending you warm hugs, continued renewal of spirit, and companionship whether it be real or virtual!
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