self loathing... part 2...the beginning....

I'm trying to remember...

when self loathing entered the picture for the first time....

I believe I was quite young when she first started visiting....

I was about 6 and my baby sister had just been diagnosed 

with down syndrome and...a  life threatening heart defect.

My parents were out here in California without other family...

I could feel  sadness and fear take over the house.

I remember thinking...

I had to be extra, extra good ....

to make up for all the bad that was happening....

I remember trying so hard to be a 'good girl'...

not cause any more problems

 in a situation that was so overwhelming for my parents...

my sister needed so much...

and since I didn't have any 'problems'

I believed I didn't have... couldn't have any needs.

I don't know exactly when

but I remember turning to food for comfort.

but some how in that process...

self loathing moved in... and stayed.

The battle had begun...

the battle of wanting to do good,

to be perfect in order to deflect some of the pain felt by everyone in our home.

the turning to food to escape....

the self loathing that followed

because I felt needing comfort was weak...

and imperfect...

Self loathing had moved in...

and made her home.

*this is the 2nd of a 3 part series-  to be followed by a post on self care.