getting my house in order..... and wondering ... how I got ... here… Part 1 of 3

In anticipation of Autumn
I have spent the past few weeks getting my house in  order...
 to celebrate the season...

 Last week my husband and I had our 25th anniversary...
it was an awful, awful anniversary...
a mirror to our relationship that I had refused to see.


one that left me asking myself ....

how did I get here....

 the hurt so heart breaking, shattering...
the breaking open...
the realizations....
that I had been unwilling to see..

 So I realize I have a choice...

to once again sweep things under the rug...
or brave looking into my soul...
and ask how and why 
I got...
here.

I believe properly approached,
there is a beauty in heart break...
it is in the breaking open...
that true examinations can take place
when time is no longer solely invested in...
everything is all right...

I have to ask myself
why do I let my self worth lay in the possession of others...
why for my whole life
have I looked outward for validation...
for my self worth...

but in asking myself those questions...

I realize that it is not really the truth...

I do actually have self worth...
and usually do a pretty good job of self monitoring the topic...
that there are many, many things I do and have done...
that I am quite proud of...


It isn't self worth I battle so much
as her silent and insidious sister....

self loathing.

I realized only this morning...
that it is self loathing
that I have been running from...

always too afraid to acknowledge her...
to stop and listen to the messages she brought...
always battling 
always running....

but now I realize through a heart so broken open...

I must invite self loathing to my table...
to hear her out...
to acknowledge her...
so that we can make peace with each other...

for I realize we might be forever united...

but maybe we can learn to live together....



as always my friends

I wish you love and joy





16 comments:

  1. I am just a lurker to your beautiful blog - but my heart is so sad for you right now. I don't need to know why your heart was broken - i just hope you are going to be OK.
    You are a smart and beautiful woman and i suspect you are quite strong too.
    Take good care of yourself, be good to yourself.
    Fondly,
    Denise

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  2. Oh Tamera. These lovely serene photos when you're feeling so sad. You have such a beautiful perspective. Hang in there. I have had the most unbelieveably crummy couple of years so I know how hard it can be. I'm rolling a whole bunch of happiness up the coast to you. Big Hug!!!
    Connie*

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  3. Giving you a big virtual hug! I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot right now, but you're in my prayers and I know you will get through it just from the small glimpse I see of you through your blog. You are a strong and beautiful person inside and out. Sending lots of love! xoxo

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  4. Hugs to you. Poignant post...it is as if there are whole worlds of the uglies going around right now and they are touching many in one way or another. Sorry you have had something so difficult to deal with. Despite that, I think it is marvelous that you had a 25th anniversary--those landmarks are becoming fewer and fewer in today's world (and I am hoping the "awful" was something external and not something between you and your husband). Hang on and keep hold of what is real and meaningful in your life. xo

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  5. What a lovely fall decor! Thank you for sharing.

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  6. Sending some hugs your way. Let's have coffee soon.
    xo j

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  7. Okay, Tamera, you have done it to me again. I am weeping, angry at myself and elated all at the same time. For you Miss Tamera have voiced so many of my feelings, so much of my own soul that I feel validated in your words. They say to me. "See Barb you are not alone!" If I can give you any words of encouragement it is this... "Tamera, you are not alone! There is a woman in Florida who has many of the same kinds of feeling that you going though.
    Every time I long on to your blog it as if a drawn curtain has been lifted to reveal to me something I have shoved down below view. Here is to your courage, your eloquent words and to a year of growth that you have inspired me to take on! Thank you for your brave words, you unveiling of feelings and well just for being you!
    Blessings, Barb

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  8. My dear Tamera,
    Your kind thoughts gave me strength last week and now I find myself weeping for you. You are far braver at sharing your pain than I am. Self loathing is what we women do so well isn't it? There is a wonderful book called "The Dark Side Of The Light Chasers" that I highly recommend. We do not know each other but I sense a kindred spirit. Please feel free to email me as I think we may have much in in common. I'll check that my email is accessible on my profile.
    Be strong, you are a beautiful woman inside and out.
    My best with love,
    Jennifer

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  9. Tamera,
    I just found your blog and don't know you, but I know very well what it's like to push away things that I don't want to deal with or don't know how to deal with. And I know how heartbreaking it is when we see the truth of a relationship is far from what we want it to be. As difficult as that is, I think it is better to know the truth most of the time. In my case it has freed me most of the time from holding onto something that would never meet my needs. I hope that everything works out for your best soon.
    Donna
    www.prettysparklythings.blogspot.com

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  10. Dear Tamera,
    My own heart goes out to you in this painful time of breaking open.
    Deepest respect for your remaining connected to the beauty and possibilities of even this,
    in spite of, or together with, the awfulness. Your questions are remarkable guides.
    Please take exquisite care of precious you, my courageous friend.
    xo

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  11. Oh Tamera, how courageous you are to state what you know to be true. And all the while sharing with us the beauty that is around you. One small step at a time, and maybe a few back too...

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  12. Oh Tamera, this is such a moving post and goes straight to my heart. I have been experiencing similar feelings and it is so true that it is in the "breaking open that the true examination can take place". No matter how painful, it's better to hold something up to the light to see its true nature rather than push it down and push it down until it crushes you. Your photos are beautiful, and I'm sending you a warm hug.

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  13. oh sweet precious tameara Beloved child of God--yes, invite self loathing, sit with her and get to the bottom of her, she does not belong--but she is serving some purpose. find out what she's there for, and be done with her, show her the door my friend.

    your beautiful introspective heart is so inspiring to see, our life is just this, a collection, week after week of getting back to who we God created us to be, because we are so far off from that. so by you inviting in self loathing and any other lie that doesn't line up with the character your spirit is so fighting to have,you can confront, ponder, and with the awareness of her presence, tell her she no longer serves a purpose.

    you are doing beautiful work, don't stop.ever.

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  14. You are beautiful inside and out and it is so gracious of you to share this with all of us, I am just catching up, but I hope this helps you find resolution, strength or perhaps just the the kindness of strangers who think so highly of you.

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  15. Tamera, I am obviously behind on my blog-reading, but wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry about your anniversary. You remind me of a terrible wedding anniversary I experienced once myself, in a marriage that eventually ended. It was such an odd day, to be so sparkling on the outside, but so quiet and lifeless on the inside. You are in my thoughts, and I am very much hoping for better days ahead for you.

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  16. Such crystal clear clarity; giving me many things to contemplate. I love learning from you my sweet Tamera. xo

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