August Reflections

 

If you believe, as I do

you get more of what you think of most

you will realize how important 

grateful reflection 

actually is when it comes to how

we feel about our lives.

In an age of social media

when we are regularly exposed

to so many doing so much

I think it's so important to take a quiet step back

disconnect

and 

savor and enjoy 

our own 

meaningful moments.

I truly believe so much of the best of life

happen in the small moments of life

along the way.

That's exactly what I've been doing the last three months on Instagram.

This month I realized they were important enough to me

for a blog post.

(I've actually been missing my writing here

and 

the  community it once was in the blogging world.)

I have always been a big reflector

but it has become more important to me 

not only as I get older

but also 

coming out of some really hard years.

Years that seemingly had me

gathering all of the bad and hard

into a life narrative for a time.

I started to feel so much better

when I accepted that often

life is really hard and sad

but

 at the same time

there is magic and beauty everyday

when we look for it everywhere.

I write this as much for myself

as anyone.

A reminder

"keep my eyes on my own page'

meaning my own life

and all I'm grateful for. in my life.

This summer for several reasons Jeff and I weren't traveling

so when ever I felt a bit of a self pity party arising

I dug deeper

to truly experience the daily great in my life.

It was transformative

in taking the veil of disappointment

revealing all the daily magic that actually was there!

So here are some of my favorite 

August moments.

I am so grateful for my 

Artisan Design Fashion Accessory Business

Shop Tamera Beardsley

and 

my wonderful clients.

Fulfilling orders 

feels like sending out love into the world!

I am grateful Jeff and I live in such a beautiful part of the world

and 

that we are healthy and able to hike here.

And have fun doing photo shoots together.

I had a beautiful beach walk with my girl.

I truly savored my summer home and garden decor.

Changing things out seasonally

keeps things fresh for me

and 

helps me really savor the seasons.

I have even started changing my lounging robes seasonally.

It really is the little things.

In the summer months

it's always 

blue and white additions to my neutral palette.

My favorite addition this summer has been

my inflatable pool.

I've gotten a crazy amount of joy from something so simple!

Jeff uses a pump to empty the pool through the hose

we then use to water the gardens!

I pulled my rattan bar cart from the front

which gave me a drink station with music

and 

space for towels!

My beach umbrella kept everything cool.

Since we weren't traveling

I turned our little suburban backyard

into my very own little resort!

I have added new neighborhood walks

into getting my daily miles in.

Not traveling had me on the hunt for all the beauty

in my own area.

No surprise

so many of my favorite moments this summer

are the ones spent with our darling grandchildren.

They have been back locally for a year now

and

I savor and enjoy every single moment with them

never, ever taking any of it for granted.

Someone told me

grandchildren are the dessert of life

I couldn't agree more!

I love studio time with this sweet girl!

When my boys were little Brio trains were a constant.

I remember happily buying them all

thinking I would save them all for the grandkids to play with someday.

Someday has arrived beautifully!

I got to have some park time with this cutie!

One of his favorite parts and mine

reading books from the little free library

some lovely soul put at the park.

Dax likes to sit on my lap on the bench as we read stories

talk about meaningful moments in my heart!

My very favorite moment this month

getting to see our sweet Len

after her first day of kindergarten!

Such a life moment for everyone!

Which of course had me thinking of the very day

Ellis started!

And how it feels like yesterday

and 

a lifetime ago

all at the very same time.

I couldn't be prouder of 

my son Hunter and his wife Megan

for being just the best parents to these two!

This month I also attended a luxury fashion event at

 South Coast Plaza

highlighting on of the newly redone wings.

I wore some pieces of a 

Signature Collection

I've been working on  for quite some time.

It was fun to get dressed up and see the new fall fashions!

Well that concludes my monthly reflections.

For any of you who have actually read all of this 

I thank you so much for being here!

I have neglected my poor blog here for so long

I am truly touched by anyone who still visits!!

So here's to savoring and enjoying

all of the good we can find in our very own lives!

So much of life is about 

our own

Perceptions and Expectations

Half of having a great life

is believing you do!

May you you find and savor all of the magic in your own life.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life

Reoccurring Dreams ... Grief or Looking For Purpose?

I have had the same dream

or 

a version of it 

for months now.

I am always searching for  home

or

 where I should be.

Then there is often a part when 

I realize I forgot to tell my parents 

I was on a trip

and

then remember

they are both no longer here.

Even in a dream

I can feel the shocking loss.

My nightly travels have taken me to some beautiful places

but the yearning in my soul

is never satisfied

nor 

can I ever find 

the  home I'm looking for.

In the dreams

I can no longer find my way home.

I wake up feeling exhausted by the continual journey.

I am a big believer in dreams

so I have spent much time 

trying to unravel

such repetitive dreams.

Always trying to unlock

the  deeper meaning.

Because no matter how much effort I have been

putting into my life

to scramble 

for direction

for purpose

for meaning

it all   continues to feel elusive.

I feel stuck.

I have a case of procrastination

when it comes 

to relaunching my business

like no other.

It has gotten to a point of

personal shame.

For someone who has always

prided myself in 

my work ethic

I no longer recognize myself.

Only feeling worse as the days and months go by

and yes,

even years.

It is almost crazy

how much effort 

I put into

not doing what I need to do.

Shocking at the very least.

In the dreams I have 

an overwhelming feeling of 

being untethered

and 

not in a way that feels free and brilliant.

More the kind 

where I run forever in hysterical circles

always trying to grab 

onto meaning and 

purpose.

To find my way home.

I know  I so desperately

want to feel

like I have my  life together

that everything is under control

that I got this.

I know in my heart I want to break out of this

cycle of procrastination

or depression

or fear

or whatever I have become mired in.

My  dreams speak to the yearning 

my heart has

to get back home.

I think maybe the bottom dropped out

when Jeff lost his job out of the blue 

after 25 years.

Then my dad died.

It seems no matter how hard I drill down on myself

demanding a competent level of productivity

I freeze.

I don't move forward.

Because in reality

I feel rudderless.

I am still ever so 

Grateful for the Wonderful Life

I do have.

But I am missing something.

Maybe I haven't taken the time to 

truly grieve my parents passing.

My dad died a few months

after my husband lost his job

of 25 years

completely out of the blue.

My dad died in the hospital

during Covid

after several months in ICU

after complications from a 'simple surgery'

Because it was Covid

there was no funeral.

Just a gravesite burial.

I still can't really believe he's gone.

Every time I have good news

like the birth of our brand new grandson

or 

Jeff's new job

I can't wait to 

tell my parents

And then I remember.

I didn't have a  perfect relationship with my parents.

We often saw life and choices differently.

But they were always a  constant in my life.

Their love was always there.

I chose many time not to move away with our family

because I wanted 

my parents 

to have the opportunity 

to have a relationship

with their grandchildren.

My sister died before my kids were born

and 

left a gaping hole in my parents heart.

I wanted to help fill it.

I  also wanted my kids

to grow up with grandparents.

I made many life choices to make it so.

Because  I grew up here in Southern California

without extended family

I wanted my kids to know different.

Even though I didn't always see eye to eye

with my parents

they were always there.

Always   interested and supportive

of our children

and 

Jeff and I. 

I have recently realized

my parents 

were also something 

 to push off against.

A border in life

that was a boundary 

I could cross or go beyond.

A talisman in my life.

A where I came from

to see how far I'd come.

A life marker.

I had no idea I would feel so adrift 

without my parents in my life.

Maybe even thought 

when they died 

so would the critical voice

that lives within my head.

It's odd that not only the good in relationships 

give us comfort and direction

but 

it seems that even the bad parts

were part of my self identity

in a way I never would have imagined.

I hadn't realized 

how much I defined my self

by not  necessarily rebelling

but rather

doing things 'Differently'.

I wish I hadn't been so tempered by my fear 

of their disappointment or judgement

and 

sat down with them

to learn more about 

them.

What life moments and choices

defined them.

How they navigated their own life

in a different current 

from their own parents.

I always thought I had time

for those kind of conversations

you know

when I had my life 

perfectly together.

A time when I felt so strong and confident about myself

I wouldn't fear their criticism.

When I would be immune to judgement

A time where I could receive that 

and

 not take it to heart.

When I  could protect my heart fully.

A time when I felt calm in who I was.

A time .....

I am a 63 year old woman

who is shocked to realize

just how afraid of my parents opinion

I feel.

I didn't feel like that when they were alive.

So why so much now?

It feels even worse.

The critical voices I have in  my head 

from them

seem louder.

Always asking if I.m doing enough with my life.

I  feel I am not

I often feel lost in 

waves of grief

and 

full on purposelessness.

My wonderful children are

Grown and Flown

and 

Thriving.

Parenting defined my heart and soul for so many years.

Giving me so much purpose and drive.

When my parents were here

I could always justify my actions

and 

self 

in my own head.

Now I can't.

And 

that

right there

might just be 

part of my

searching dreams.

I don't know.

What I do know

I haven't been able to 

cry or grieve my dad's passing

much

even though it was over a year ago.

I think I was tied up 

in knots of fear

regarding Jeff's job situation

Now that has moved over to the settled category

my heart and soul

must be trying to

put this new life chapter 

into a new focus

I can live with. 

I know this feeling of being lost

will eventually pass.

And as always

I will be searching for the lessons 

to be found.

I know for a fact 

that I have tremendous respect for my parents

and 

the life they lived.

I respect their imperfections and humanity

I know they went further emotionally

 from where they came.

Just as I hope my children

will think  that of me

when I'm gone.

I also know I want to honor both my parents

by living and leaving 

a life  and legacy of love.

Maybe sometimes

we just really need the time

to sit with our dreams

to uncover what our heart is trying to tell us.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life

I'm Going To Another Blogging Conference … Notes to Myself On How Not To Lose My Mind

I will be attending another blogging conference next week

so I wanted to remind myself 

how not to lose my mind while I'm there.

In an arena with not only so much new information

but 

so many accomplished women as well

I have learned

when attending

to go in with specific intent

so as not to come out 

dazed and intimidated

wondering

"What in the world have I done with my life?"

I will

 Remember to respect my own story.

 Life is not a competition.  We all have our own paths in life 

as well as our own peaks and valleys as we travel our journey.

I  will respect how hard I have worked 

to be authentically  me in this moment.

Comparison is always a thief of joy.

I will remember to celebrate the accomplishments of others

without holding my life up to compare.

I will remember

Not to judge my own life movie

to someone else's highlight  reel.

I will not compare my insides

to someone else's outsides.

I will be open to new ways of working.

I will listen well

take notes
learn

but not expect I can immediately

put new ideas into practice

no matter how great they sound at the time.

I will engage intently to new ideas

while still knowing

they will still need time 

to manifest and digest

before they can turn into actions.

I will remain open to the experience of the conference

this moment in time

ready to gather all the good I can find.

I will be looking for the sacred 

that can come from shared life experiences.

I will remember

when I feel nervous, scared

or

 just uncomfortable

to show up

and 

be a blessing

not a bitch.

I will not in my discomfort
fall prey
to gossiping
or
 finding fault with others.

I intend to use my energy
only to learn
connect
and
 empower myself
and
others.

I will never try to build myself up
by bringing others down.

I will  remind myself

although I am at a conference to gain new knowledge

in my field

I am really here

for the human connections

especially with the friends I love

and 

want to celebrate and support!

I will recognize

that sometimes

when I get uncomfortable

I have a tendency

to slip into

critical judgement

whether it be of myself or others.

I will at those times remind myself

I have grown past 

my first reactions

of judgement

and

 now

will dig deep during those times

to go outside of myself

to find the beauty and truth

in the moment .

I will remember

the best

most sacred moments in life

aren't about me

but rather

in the true connecting with others.

The sharing of stories

the true connecting of souls.

I will not let my ego

drown out potential

sacred moments

but rather 

I will travel with the intent

of what good can I do 

in any given moment.

Lastly

I will remember

to respect the alone time I do need

to recharge

and 

refocus

in order to be able

be do the most good I can.

I will remember to pack

grace for self

so I will have plenty to share with others.

My intent for my trip

is to not only be open

to sacred moments

but

to actually seek them out.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life

Sharing Life Stories and Life Lessons … part 6 in Write the Blog You Want To Read

Writing a Blog I Want To Read

I realize I want to read real life stories on a blog.

If someone has life lessons

to share in a positive 

way

I want to read.

I want to feel connected.

I want to feel I am not alone

in struggling

to make all of 

the aspects of my life work.

I appreciate 

the beautiful blogs

but my heart 

needs to learn 

and grow

and know

although 

our struggles might be different

we are not alone

in 

our journey 

that is  life.

So

this is why 

I will

share 

one of 

my stories

today.

Having an Estranged Child

Is a lesson in 

Learning Unconditional Love

It has been a challenging week for me

emotionally.

With Mother's Day

around the corner

it is a holiday

for me 

that pulls 

the scab off

 a festering wound.

Makes me think about 

my middle son who 

has chosen to estrange himself

from our family.

I have had nightly dreams

about him all week.

Dreams where I am

so reminded of

what a great soul he has

and 

how very, very much I miss
and
 love him.

He  comes in the dreams

at different ages.

When he comes

there is no recent past 

full of hurts on both sides.

He is just a son I love.

I recognize

the sweet little boy

who I used to kiss on the cheek 

at night

and 

he would then touch that spot

and tell me

he was pushing it into his  heart

so he would have it always.

Having a child choose to

not be a part of our family

has brought with it 

such a mixed bag of emotions.

It is a choice 

that effects

everyone 

left behind in the wake.

Our family history

has been shaped with it.

Looking back 

had I known then

what I know now

I might have done some things differently.

It's hard to say.

I know

before he left

I took his anger personally

and

reacted to the anger

rather than

realizing the pain he was in.

I know in retrospect

I most likely

made him feel 

he was conditionally loved

based on his choices.

That was never true

but 

he might have felt it.

I just don't know.

When I first

heard from my husband

my son's choice

to have nothing to do with our family

I was 

startled

stunned

shocked

and

then I got angry.

Within the anger was 

a swirling mixture

of also being

 humiliated and embarrassed

and

ashamed

that someone who I loved
so much

would reject me in such a fashion

and 

reject the others

that I also love dearly.

That type of rejection

rocked me to my knees.

Made me question 

what type of person

what kind of Mother 

was I.

I have certainly dug deep in the aftermath to do the work

to continue to change where I need to.

I also continually try

to find some good

and

positive lessons

in this heartbreaking situation.

I have learned

to be more gentle in my 

family

and 

personal relationships.

I consciously choose

to focus on the good 

and 

realize

life can be hard on us all

so kindness really does matter.

I have tried

to convey

to all of my three children

I love them for simply being themselves

and 

not for their accomplishments.

While at the same time being there to

celebrate their achievements.

Like this week

when my daughter

after four years as an honor student 

got accepted into Grad School.

When the relationship with my son

began going sour

I used to truly hope

it was all my fault

because if it was

then I could change

and 

make everything good again.

Instead

I have learned

that I must respect 

his decision.

I have worked through my anger.

I am no longer 

humiliated,  embarrassed or ashamed.

I know I did the best 

I could with what I knew at the time.

I pray my son 

knows how very much he is loved.

I still send him texts

saying so.

I pray my son 

gets to a place in his life

he can recognize

his own inherent worth.

I  pray

this is a journey

where he will 

come back to us.

I realized today

that 

through

his estrangement

I have learned 

to 

truly 

love unconditionally.

To Love 

without the weights and measures

of reciprocals.
To love past
 anger and hurt.

It has been a long road

but I have learned much on the journey
and
will continue to search
for any good
in such a sad situation,

I realize

I will always have a hole in my heart

as long as he is away.

But

as Leonard Cohen says

"There is a crack in everything

that's how the light gets in".

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you find your own light.