Crown Yourself This Mother's Day

I always thought she had more power over me

than  she actually did.

Now I miss her 

no more than on 

Mother's Day

wishing I could have overcome 

my fear of  my Mother's judgement.

So easy to say

now that she has been gone so long.

I always thought one day

things would work themselves out

and 

we would have the 

storybook loving mother daughter relationship

that I had always yearned.

We had a nice relationship

but I always wanted more

but I was not courageous about saying so.

I don't even know if my expectations were realistic.

Maybe sometimes we want things from others 

that  they never had to give.

Maybe we internalize TV and movie  versions of 

perfect mother daughter relationships.

I grew up with a younger sister with not only down syndrome

but  a life threatening heart condition as well.

So many  of my younger years were spent  with what felt like months at a time

in hospital waiting rooms

by myself.

While my parents were with my sister.

We were all hoping and praying  she would survive pneumonia 

year after year.

My parents were brave and tireless taking care of my sister

during a time it was recommended for parents

to institutionalize babies with down syndrome.

Because of the years of ongoing trauma for all of us

I was literally told by my parents

"we don 't have time for your nonsense"

meaning ever talking about my feelings.

They really didn't  have time

but as a young child with no  life context

it made me feel like I had to be perfect.

I always felt guilty to have more than others

because I felt bad that I had more than my sister.

I didn't really.  

We all come from the framework of our past.

We all come from imperfect parents

( including for sure my own children)

I so wish my parents were still here

so I could learn more about 

the traumas they overcame.

It wasn't until my mother's funeral

that I learned her harsh upbringing.

I only mention my history

to put in context why

I believe so strongly in

Crowning Ourselves

I believe 

it's is up to us to 

fill our own cup.

I believe it is our own responsibility to

 Self Validate.

and 

Self Care

We all deserve to be happy and feel good about ourselves.

We all matter

and 

we should especially  matter to ourselves.

It took me a long time to realize this.

I felt I was forever tying to fill 

a hole in my heart.

Often it was food or wine or buying.

Often expecting people in my life

to be able to fill the endless hole.

And there were years I felt people could.

Those first breathlessly happy years with Jeff

where new love was intoxicating

and 

overflowing.

There were years with young children

that my heart once again felt overflowing

But unrealistic expectation began  to appear

that others were meant to keep the hole filled.

Now I firmly believe

 feeling whole

and 

filling our own heart

must start from within ones own self.

It's a decision I  made to myself

that I matter.

To see  myself with eyes of love.

And since  I matter 

it's up to me

to take care of me.

And it's incredibly freeing to do so.

There is much more control and peace in accepting

Self Responsibility and Self Care

Now I am old enough to know

we are all trying the very best we can

on  our own personal journeys 

that is our life.

And sometimes we have no idea

what others are experiencing internally.

Because 

I am responsible for my own emotions

I will be

Crowning Myself

this 

Mother's Day

and 

everyday.

I will create ways

both literally and figuratively

to

Crown Myself.

I will end every day going over

what I did well

I will take up room.

I will be the lead in my own story.

I will celebrate my life

by finding joy and beauty everyday!

Because I know for a fact

life is so much sweeter

when we 

love others from a full cup.

One of the gifts of taking good care of myself

is that I have so much more to give.

The better I love myself

the better I am able to love others.

So that is why I choose daily to

Crown Myself.

This is neither a sad story

or 

a blame mommy story.

I have nothing but the upmost respect and love of my mother.

It's actually a story for me

and 

for anyone else it might help as a reminder.

Which makes it  merely a story

in which I recognize

that so many times what we yearn 

to receive from from others

is actually something 

We need to give to ourselves.

To truly love ourselves

mistakes, flaws and fabulousness

all rolled together

into what makes us

uniquely us.

That's what

Crown Yourself

means to me.

And why I continue to hold the concept

near and dear to my heart,

Happy Mother's Day

my friends.

May you

 Crown Yourself 

today and every day

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life