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Crown Yourself This Mother's Day



I always thought she had more power over me
then  she actually did.

Now I miss her 
no more than on 
Mother's Day
wishing I could have overcome 
my fear of  my Mother's judgement.


So easy to say
now that she has been gone so long.

I always thought one day
things would work themselves out
and 
we would have the 
storybook loving mother daughter relationship
that I had always yearned.
We had a nice relationship
but I always wanted more
but I was not courageous about saying so.


I don't even know if my expectations were realistic.
Maybe sometimes we want things from others 
that  they never had to give.
Maybe we internalize TV and movie  versions of 
perfect mother daughter relationships.




I grew up with a younger sister with not only down syndrome
but  a life threatening heart condition as well.
So many  of my younger years were spent  with what felt like months at a time
in hospital waiting rooms
by myself.
While my parents were with my sister.
We were all hoping and praying  she would survive pneumonia 
year after year.

My parents were brave and tireless taking care of my sister
during a time it was recommended for parents
to institutionalize babies with down syndrome.






Because of the years of ongoing trauma for all of us
I was literally told by my parents
"we don 't have time for your nonsense"
meaning ever talking about my feelings.


They really didn't  have time
but as a young child with no  life context
it made me feel like I had to be perfect.

I always felt guilty to have more than others
because I felt bad that I had more than my sister.
I didn't really.  




We all come from the framework of our past.
We all come from imperfect parents
( including for sure my own children)



I so wish my parents were still here
so I could as them more about 
the traumas they overcame.
It wasn't until my mother's funeral
that I learned her harsh upbringing.






I only mention my history
to put in context why
I believe so strongly in
Crowning Ourselves

I believe 
it's is up to us to 
fill our own cup.

I believe it is our own responsibility to
 Self Validate.
and 
Self Care


We all deserve to be happy and feel good about ourselves.
We all matter
and 
we should especially  matter to ourselves.





It took me a long time to realize this.


I felt I was forever tying to fill 
a hole in my heart.
Often it was food or wine.
Often expecting people in my life
to be able to fill the endless hole.


And there were years I felt people could.
Those first breathlessly happy years with Jeff
where new love was intoxicating
and 
overflowing.



There were years with young children
that my heart once again felt overflowing


But unrealistic expectation began  to appear
that others were meant to keep the hole filled.



Now I firmly believe
 feeling whole
and 
filling our hole
must start from within ones own self.


It's a decision I  made to myself
that I matter.
To see  myself with eyes of love.


And since  I matter 
it's up to me
to take care of me.






And it's incredibly freeing to do so.
There is much more control and peace in accepting
Self Responsibility and Self Care


Now I am old enough to know
we are all trying the very best we can
in our own personal journeys 
that is our life.
And sometimes we have no idea
what others are experiencing internally.






Because 
I am responsible for my own emotions

I will be
Crowning Myself

this 
Mother's Day
and 
everyday.


I will create ways
both literally and figuratively
to
Crown Myself.
I will end every day going over
what I did well


I will take up room.

I will be the lead in my own story.

I will celebrate my life
by finding joy and beauty everyday!



Because I know for a fact
life is so much sweeter
when we 
love others from a full cup.


One of the gifts of taking good care of myself
is that I have so much more to give.
The better I love myself
the better I am able to love others.






So that is why I choose daily to
Crown Myself.


This is neither a sad story
or 
a blame mommy story.
I have nothing but the upmost respect and love of my mother.

It's actually a story for me
and 
for anyone else it might help as a reminder.



Which makes it  merely a story
in which I recognize
that so many times what we  (I) yearn 
to receive from from others
is actually something 
We need to give to ourselves.

To truly love ourselves
mistakes, flaws and fabulousness
all rolled together
into what makes us
uniquely us.


That's what
Crown Yourself
means to me.
And why I continue to hold the concept
near and dear to my heart,


Happy Mother's Day
my friends.
May you
 Crown Yourself 
today and every day



As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life













2 comments:

  1. Dearest Tamera, your wisdom and insight, as always, are incredible. I will take your reminders to heart, and I must say I had a wonderful Mother's Day, with our two sons and our three youngest grandchildren here at our home. Bliss. I too spent my life trying to live up to my mother's expectations, and only years after her passing did I begin to understand her and her insecurities. Bless. xxx

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    Replies
    1. Always so lovely to find a visit from you dearest Patricia! Your Mother's Day sounds sublime! i am so happy to hear!

      Isn't it something that we can have more clarity even years after our Mother's passing. As always my dear, thank you so much for stopping by here. XOX

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