.... in the garden ....

I have spent much of my last week...
in the garden...
feeling behind in everything...
and stressed  about every. thing.

I retreated to working in my garden...
pulling out... hacking back...

I had forgotten how much I loved working my little plot of land...
and the connection it has  to my soul.

Years ago
before the birth of my youngest...
I had a miscarriage....
afterwards...
I remember losing myself for hours at a time...
in the garden...

Some years ago...
when we had plans to sell our little house...
and move to a larger...
and
 with the realtor in the room...
I  started to tear....
at the thought of leaving my beloved little garden behind...
and realized then... 
I couldn't.

I have watched my children grow up ...
here in the garden...
When we homeschooled...
each year they were given their own little spot...
to make it their own....

Until this week...

I had forgotten....
not just about loving my garden....
but more importantly...

I had forgotten how much 
I love to garden.

The physicality of it....
the digging in...
the cutting back...
the hard work ...
the sore muscles that come from a days hard labor...
and the cathartic benefits of such to the soul.

How did I forget something I love...

I think it was when my children began to leave home for college...

I just didn't know what my life was supposed to look like...
my heart was broken...
and I was lost...

I did spend time in the garden ....
in a frenetic pace...
I took down trees..
pulled out vines...
trying in vain to pull out the pain from within.

... but I lost the planting part...
the hope ...
the part that believes...
that what you put in today...
will have benefits down the road.

I lost touch with the magic of a garden.

With my children moving on...
I replaced my sadness with...

 a burning ambition ....
to retrieve a carrer I had left behind...

turning myself into an obsessive on a single track...
working myself into such anxiety...
that waking up in the middle of the night ...
with attacks of panic....
became my norm.


Until... this week... when

I decided to step away...
and go...
into the garden.

This week I realized...
I  want my garden to have a true place in my life....
as well as so many small luxuries...
like coffee and candles to start the day...
great hikes and mountain bike rides.
I want to surf again.
To do house projects...
to reconnect with my neighbors...
to continue to put my family first.

I realize I want to slow down.

Slow down enough...
to appreciate the beauty...
of sweeping the floor...while it is bathed in sunlight....

I am realizing...
even though....
I  thought I wanted my life to look one way...

as my kids left....


I just  really don't have my answers yet...
I  only know now...
I am intentionally seeking a slower pace...

one that allows for plenty of time...
in the garden.


as always dear friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life


t








20 comments:

  1. Amazing photos...they just keep getting better and better. I love that you are finding what you love again. Hugs to you on this journey :)

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  2. Hi Tamera,
    I so resonate with this post. Seeking the peace, comfort, physicality of the garden can be so healing. I found peace in the garden following my miscarriages as well. Your garden is lovely and it is so special to see a glimpse of it.
    I love your 'week in the garden'. Sounds like bliss!
    xx, Heather

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  3. Thank you Jana! I have been putting real effort into improving my story telling through my photography... so your compliment is very much appreciated!

    Seeing you so inspired with your drawing... inspired me to dig a little deeper and go back to what truly brings me joy. Who knew almost 16 years ago, when we met that first day of kindergarten... we would be sharing this transitioning phase of life too. I'd say we are both finding our way through pretty well! So blessed to being sharing life's journey with you!

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  4. Gardening, being outside, being creative but also just the plain old hard work, they are all therapeutic. Slowing down and taking time to do the things you love sounds like a very good idea.
    Beautiful photos, Tamera. And I bet your garden is as beautiful as you and your home! xxx

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  5. Tamera, I admit, you had me at ...in the garden...

    At the time I read those words, I did not realize the depth of connection I would feel upon reading your post this morning. After miscarriage, and subsequently, loss of motherhood, the garden was my refuge. It felt as though Mother Earth was the only woman who wept with me, as I worked the soil and planted seedlings. And it was she that celebrated with me as those seedlings matured into plants.

    Lovely photography, and deeply meaningful poetry...thank you Tamera for reminding me of my true connection to the garden.

    Sue xo

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  6. I feel you, dear lady, in every way! I, too, have found many hours of solace by spending time in my garden. When my two children were growing up, I spent every waking moment enjoying them and now that they have left home, I too, have felt that empty spot in my life. Thank you, dear friend for letting me know I'm not alone in this struggle and also for letting me see the beauty of what's lies ahead. You're an amazing woman with a beautfiul soul.

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  7. Wonderful sentiment and photos.

    Gardens are our direct connection to Mother Earth. There is no more sacred a place than a garden.

    bisous
    Suzanne

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  8. Each spring I plant some flowers, so full of hope... but I am not a gardener... I do not know how to tend my garden... I so appreciate my neighbors across the street whose beds I look out on... and I silently apologize to them for my lack of gardening know how as I admire their work... Thank God for the gardeners!

    Beautiful post, Tamera. I'm so glad you are finding hope in your garden. xo, ab

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  9. I think you just inspired me to go into the garden...my backyard needs attention! Have a wonderful Wednesday, Tamera!

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  10. I'm so glad you're stepping back into your garden and enjoying making the most of it again. Like you I find such peace and happiness in the garden. Lovely photos.

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  11. I only have room here in Brooklyn for container gardening on the front of my stoop but I tend to my pansies, Johnny-Jump-Ups and begonias with passion! I also try to visit the Brooklyn Botanic Garden frequently this time of year. Their rose garden is so gorgeous, I am in the best mood after a visit there. Thank you so much for joining Adrienne and me for "How I Wear My: Metallics." I deeply love the picture of you in that amazing gold top! Wow! Your look was one of my favorites! XO, Jill

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  12. I love this and slowing down to breathe the "new" beauty of your life, sounds wonderful.

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  13. Gardening is a kind of meditation I think - well beyond physical work. I am glad you found gardening as a place for you and it gives you joy and happiness.

    I am currently on vacation and when I return home I will have several days before I will get back to the office - time to spend in the garden!

    Annette
    Lady of Style
    now on Facebook

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  14. Seriously? Me too... been planting, pulling and moving tender leaves all week... and today the rains came to nourish my earthly plantings. Have missed reading your blog, having anytime to just sit and check out your glamorous style. Even your garden is stunning. Come to Florida and we can venture to the best nursery in town, finding some peace and quiet among the riotous color of flower petals! I bet we would have a grand time, you in your hat and stylish duds, me in my converse, boyfriend jeans and new obsession... red lipstick! xo- B

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  15. Your writing is so wonderful to read, and ponder. I think it's one of your many gifts. ;)

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  16. Tamera, I love to read your writing as you eloquently express how you feel on this journey that we share with our blogs. I'm happy to hear that your garden is bringing you peace and a sense of what you need today. I don't have the answers yet either, but I was planning to go out in my garden today. Thanks for the inspiration.

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  17. Your words are such lovely poetry, Tamera. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and tender heart. Your garden is beautiful and I am glad that you are planting hope and anticipating the magic again! :)

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  18. I need a garden. Lovely photos. Thanks for posting and feel free to drop by me too soon.

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  19. Tamera, my business has been insane since I moved it to Atlanta. I had to restaff the entire place and start over (again). It got to a point where I just said that people will have to wait--we are doing the best we can and that is all we can do. I stopped stressing and just plugged away. Things are getting done, and in their time. Some people complained, oh well. I am so glad you are in the garden. There is so much wisdom there. xo

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