Writing a Blog I Want To Read
I realize I want to read real life stories on a blog.
If someone has life lessons
to share in a positive
way
I want to read.
I want to feel connected.
I want to feel I am not alone
in struggling
to make all of
the aspects of my life work.
I appreciate
the beautiful blogs
but my heart
needs to learn
and grow
and know
although
our struggles might be different
we are not alone
in
our journey
that is life.
So
this is why
I will
share
one of
my stories
today.
Having an Estranged Child
Is a lesson in
Learning Unconditional Love
It has been a challenging week for me
emotionally.
With Mother's Day
around the corner
it is a holiday
for me
that pulls
the scab off
a festering wound.
Makes me think about
my middle son who
has chosen to estrange himself
from our family.
I have had nightly dreams
about him all week.
Dreams where I am
so reminded of
what a great soul he has
and
how very, very much I miss
and
love him.
and
love him.
He comes in the dreams
at different ages.
When he comes
there is no recent past
full of hurts on both sides.
He is just a son I love.
I recognize
the sweet little boy
who I used to kiss on the cheek
at night
and
he would then touch that spot
and tell me
he was pushing it into his heart
so he would have it always.
Having a child choose to
not be a part of our family
has brought with it
such a mixed bag of emotions.
It is a choice
that effects
everyone
left behind in the wake.
Our family history
has been shaped with it.
Looking back
had I known then
what I know now
I might have done some things differently.
It's hard to say.
I know
before he left
I took his anger personally
and
reacted to the anger
rather than
realizing the pain he was in.
I know in retrospect
I most likely
made him feel
he was conditionally loved
based on his choices.
That was never true
but
he might have felt it.
I just don't know.
When I first
heard from my husband
my son's choice
to have nothing to do with our family
I was
startled
stunned
shocked
and
then I got angry.
Within the anger was
a swirling mixture
of also being
humiliated and embarrassed
and
ashamed
that someone who I loved
so much
so much
would reject me in such a fashion
and
reject the others
that I also love dearly.
That type of rejection
rocked me to my knees.
Made me question
what type of person
what kind of Mother
was I.
I have certainly dug deep in the aftermath to do the work
to continue to change where I need to.
I also continually try
to find some good
and
positive lessons
in this heartbreaking situation.
I have learned
to be more gentle in my
family
and
personal relationships.
I consciously choose
to focus on the good
and
realize
life can be hard on us all
so kindness really does matter.
I have tried
to convey
to all of my three children
I love them for simply being themselves
and
not for their accomplishments.
While at the same time being there to
celebrate their achievements.
Like this week
when my daughter
after four years as an honor student
got accepted into Grad School.
When the relationship with my son
began going sour
I used to truly hope
it was all my fault
because if it was
then I could change
and
make everything good again.
Instead
I have learned
that I must respect
his decision.
I have worked through my anger.
I am no longer
humiliated, embarrassed or ashamed.
I know I did the best
I could with what I knew at the time.
I pray my son
knows how very much he is loved.
I still send him texts
saying so.
I pray my son
gets to a place in his life
he can recognize
his own inherent worth.
I pray
this is a journey
where he will
come back to us.
I realized today
that
through
his estrangement
I have learned
to
truly
love unconditionally.
To Love
without the weights and measures
of reciprocals.
To love past
anger and hurt.
To love past
anger and hurt.
It has been a long road
but I have learned much on the journey
and
will continue to search
for any good
in such a sad situation,
and
will continue to search
for any good
in such a sad situation,
I realize
I will always have a hole in my heart
as long as he is away.
But
as Leonard Cohen says
"There is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in".
As always my friends
I wish you love and joy
as you find your own light.