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Heartbreak of Estrangement

 



~~~ I wrote this post right after Christmas last year.
It was one of those writings that I just had to put down
because sometimes it helps with the pain..
When I finished writing
my heart was too tender to publish.
I am  publishing today
just in case he ever sees it. ~~~

___________________________





I think of him most
when I'm taking down 
my memory Christmas trees.
My self discipline not to think
is chipped away at every ornament about him.
I begin to break inside.
How could life have really turned out like this.




The feelings of heartbreak that I've carefully kept at bay all year
come rushing in.
Feelings I have so carefully boxed and stored
deep iinside my heartr
clearly marked
DO NOT OPEN.
But I can't listen
instead I begin to pick at the healed scars.


Chastising my emotional weakness
for moving on
burying it all deep
because on some days my sanity feels shaky.
There has been so much recent loss
from my parents dying
Jeff losing his job out of the blue 4 years ago
figuring out how to reestablish our finacial security..
His chosen estrangement 
was just too much.


Sometimes we must seal our heart and go into survival mode.
But then out of what feels like the blue
the incredible feel of loss rushes on.





I remember his sweetness as a child.
His earnest love when giving presents.
When I would kiss  him on the cheek
he would  then say
'he was pushing it into his heart'

 I have to wonder
when did I fail him.
Was it an instant?
Was it happening all along for years
way before he ever begin to verbalize his feelings.




We talked about it so many times.
I don't know if even he knows.


But right now
I know 
I have to finish packing away 
these Christmas memories of him.
I must once again seal my heart
because if I don't
I feel  his chosen estrangement 
will drown me in heartbreak
and 
I am still a mother to two other wonderful children
and 
now grandchildren.


I have proven to myself
I am a strong and resilient  woman.


I will once again refocus on 
all that I have to be grateful for..


But just in case you were wondering
 Slater Saunders Beardsley
I still love you.
I always will.



As always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life














8 comments:

  1. Oh Tamera, shedding a little tear for you all. How brave you are to publish, and how wonderfully well you write of heartbreak. We never cease to love our children, not matter what happens or comes between us. I pray that one day a reunion will take place. Take heart dear friend. xoxox

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    1. Patricia I always appreciate your visit here, no more than today. Thank you so much for your comforting words, they've touched my heart!! XOX

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  2. I am so sorry. I know how you feel. I have a daughter who I did not see for over 13 years. We talk now but it will never be right. God bless you 🙏

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your visit here my dear! I am sorry you too have been touched by family distance, it definitely can be hard. I am glad to hear you you at least talk now. Sending you big hugs.

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  3. Oh Tamera, my beautiful, creative, talented, uplifting human- I’m so sorry you have to experience this type of loss. I hope that the relationship comes back to you soon. I know you’re waiting patiently with an open heart, mind and arms- for him. m in hi

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for visiting here my dear! I am always so glad to hear from you! I very much appreciate your sweet words of comfort! Sending you big hugs from Southern California to your beautiful Hawaii! XOX

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  4. Please listen to Jor el Quinns song called Make it rain. It helps me and hope it will you as well.

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    Replies
    1. Why thank you for your sweet suggestion! So very kind of you!

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