Heartbreak of Estrangement

 

~~~ I wrote this post right after Christmas last year.

It was one of those writings that I just had to put down

because sometimes it helps with the pain..

When I finished writing

my heart was too tender to publish.

I am  publishing today

just in case he ever sees it. ~~~

___________________________

I think of him most

when I'm taking down 

my memory Christmas trees.

My self discipline not to think

is chipped away at every ornament about him.

I begin to break inside.

How could life have really turned out like this.

The feelings of heartbreak that I've carefully kept at bay all year

come rushing in.

Feelings I have so carefully boxed and stored

deep iinside my heartr

clearly marked

DO NOT OPEN.

But I can't listen

instead I begin to pick at the healed scars.

Chastising my emotional weakness

for moving on

burying it all deep

because on some days my sanity feels shaky.

There has been so much recent loss

from my parents dying

Jeff losing his job out of the blue 4 years ago

figuring out how to reestablish our finacial security..

His chosen estrangement 

was just too much.

Sometimes we must seal our heart and go into survival mode.

But then out of what feels like the blue

the incredible feel of loss rushes on.

I remember his sweetness as a child.

His earnest love when giving presents.

When I would kiss  him on the cheek

he would  then say

'he was pushing it into his heart'

 I have to wonder

when did I fail him.

Was it an instant?

Was it happening all along for years

way before he ever begin to verbalize his feelings.

We talked about it so many times.

I don't know if even he knows.

But right now

I know 

I have to finish packing away 

these Christmas memories of him.

I must once again seal my heart

because if I don't

I feel  his chosen estrangement 

will drown me in heartbreak

and 

I am still a mother to two other wonderful children

and 

now grandchildren.

I have proven to myself

I am a strong and resilient  woman.

I will once again refocus on 

all that I have to be grateful for..

But just in case you were wondering

 Slater Saunders Beardsley

I still love you.

I always will.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life