30 Days Alcohol free

 

Yesterday I completed my 

30 days Alcohol Free.

Which is monumental to me

because

I never thought I could

or 

even imagined I would want to try.

After Christmas Eve celebrations

I woke up in the middle of the night

feeling the whole weight of

the losses of the year.

Literally feeling lower than I ever had

and

 that's saying something with my history of depression.

I was beyond exhausted

and 

wondered if 

I could keep going

or

 really if I even wanted to.

It was a feeling so dark and bleak

that slipping away seemed like a real choice.

It was a low and a pain

that is seared into my heart.

I realized 

there wasn't enough alcohol in the world

to numb my aching heart

and boy

had I given it my best shot.

I also began to wonder if 

my best friend Chardonnay

wasn't really the friend 

I thought she was.

Was it time to break up?

Desperate times call for 

desperate measures.

I would have never come up with 

such 

for me

a drastic choice

if it hadn't been for my friend

Adrienne Shubin.

I had her seen a post of hers a few weeks before

where she had announced that she had been 

Alcohol Free for almost a year

and 

had lost over 70 pounds.

When  I first read about her choice to be

Alcohol Free

it sounded way to hard for me.

Now the weight loss I was all up for.

I have always had a predisposition

to drinking wine

many times in excess.

But I realize the last 3 years

with every hard thing that happened

(and there were So many)

I gave myself permission to drink

a lot.

Every night.

Just to check out

and 

numb the pain.

The losses seem to just keep coming

and 

I just kept drinking

a lot.

Until that Friday Christmas Eve

when I woke up

so low

realizing 

there just wasn't enough 

alcohol in the world

 to numb my pain.

It took me until 

Monday December 28th

to have a plan of action in place.

Adrienne Shubin

who has been exceeding generous and encouraging

(when the student is ready, the teacher will appear)

 had recommended two books to me

that I had bought some weeks before.

This  Naked Mind

and

The Alcohol Experiment 30 Day Challenge

both by Anne Grace.

I would highly recommend both 

if your'e interested.

30 days sounded like a lifetime to me.

What was I even thinking

setting myself up for 

what felt like 

would most like be another thing 

I didn't accomplish.

It I didn't have wine

who was I even?

My self identity seemed intertwined 

with 

'having wine'

It was my reward system.

It was my pleasure center.

It was my social life.

It was my bliss.

It was one of the few joys I could count on

in such a dark year.

It was the only way I knew how

to have fun.

~ I even appreciated the dullness the next day

it felt like a protective blanket 

from the realities that had become my life.

It was also what had me

~ waking up at 3 am every morning

in a complete panic.

~ It was how I began every morning

trying to count how many glasses 

I had the night before

and 

judging myself accordingly.

~ It filled me with daily self loathing

and 

slowed my hikes and workouts.

~ It made me feel like a prisoner in my own life.

I didn't even dare to want to break out.

It felt impossible.

But I have.

For 30 whole days.

I don't know my future relationship with alcohol

to be completely transparent.

but I do know 

I don't want to return to 

what I had.

The biggest gift has been

being able to sleep blissfully

through the night.

Even without any over the counter sleep aid

that I have been using for a least a decade.

I have been chasing solid sleep for decades.

I have also lost weight

by not drinking and making several other changes.

But I still miss drinking wine

to be perfectly honest.

I know I need to find new ways to

have fun.

To be able access joy.

So the journey will continue.

But today

I wanted to take the time

to say 

I did it.

I set what to me felt like 

an impossible goal

and 

I actually accomplished it.

I think I will definitely

Crown Myself

 today.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy

as you style your life