So Sad … So Glad

The house is quiet.

The bandage has been pulled.

The waves of sorrow flow in as expected.

She has moved out of our family home

most likely for the final time.

I have had this feeling of loss before with her.

Years ago for the first time

dropping her off for kindergarten

was a precursor 

for the grief I felt at  her college drop off.

Each time I know the crashing heart pain is cresting as I wait for the event

realizing it is with true courage we love our children fiercely.

I will sit quietly

and

 remember when she was mine

for a bit

as a helpless infant

but all the time

I have been preparing her for this day too.

To set out in life

with her one true love

to prepare to begin a life of their own.

The irony to truly love a child fiercely

with always their greatest good a priority

we too prepare 

for the separation

that comes from healthy parenting.

This time I am better prepared 

for the void

I have learned well the last four years.

Learned to not only care for her needs

but mine as well.

Recognizing  now

so many emotions swirling inside

need to be gracefully sorted through.

Realizing 

some of the pain is in the  opening up 

of past latent sorrows

swirling around in a strange concoction

that is a confusing blur of pain now and then.

I let the pain come in

I acknowledge it's presence

as well as quietly recognizing the ghostly shadows 

of pain past.

I mark today in my heart

as yet another of life's transitioning moments.

I put deep down into my heart

the beauty to be found in the bittersweet moments in life.

I am happy how I handled the departure with 

courage and grace.

That I no longer mask my pain 

in anger towards others.

But rather muster up all the love I have to give.

Happy that I take pause and acknowledged

sometimes

even great transitions 

come with pain and fear.

Acceptance of the heartache

fear of the new

letting go of the known.

By taking time to fully acknowledge the moment

I can now move forward to

Glad.

Glad she and I made it through the summer

in the best possible way

since neither of us chose to have her move back

we rather accepted the situation as necessary.

I can know that my sad will this time flow through

making way for glad.

Glad I knowI  can show up all in

even knowing the pain to be.

For I have learned not only self care over the last four years

I have learned 

my heart is mighty and strong

it might crack now and again

but with each crack

it heals even stronger and larger than before.

Ellis I send you off with 

so much love

affection

and 

courage.

I will always love you to the moon and back!

You will always be a part of me.

All the very, very best to you in your newest chapter.

You and I 

have worked hard for this day.

As always my friends

I wish you love and joy 

as you style your life