So Sad … So Glad



The house is quiet.
The bandage has been pulled.
The waves of sorrow flow in as expected.
She has moved out of our family home
most likely for the final time.


I have had this feeling of loss before with her.

Years ago for the first time
dropping her off for kindergarten
was a precursor 
for the grief I felt at  her college drop off.

Each time I know the crashing heart pain is cresting as I wait for the event
realizing it is with true courage we love our children fiercely.


I will sit quietly
and
 remember when she was mine
for a bit
as a helpless infant
but all the time
I have been preparing her for this day too.

To set out in life
with her one true love
to prepare to begin a life of their own.


The irony to truly love a child fiercely
with always their greatest good a priority
we too prepare 
for the separation
that comes from healthy parenting.

This time I am better prepared 
for the void
I have learned well the last four years.

Learned to not only care for her needs
but mine as well.


Recognizing  now
so many emotions swirling inside
need to be gracefully sorted through.

Realizing 
some of the pain is in the  opening up 
of past latent sorrows
swirling around in a strange concoction
that is a confusing blur of pain now and then.

I let the pain come in
I acknowledge it's presence
as well as quietly recognizing the ghostly shadows 
of pain past.

I mark today in my heart
as yet another of life's transitioning moments.

I put deep down into my heart
the beauty to be found in the bittersweet moments in life.
I am happy how I handled the departure with 
courage and grace.

That I no longer mask my pain 
in anger towards others.
But rather muster up all the love I have to give.

Happy that I take pause and acknowledged
sometimes
even great transitions 
come with pain and fear.

Acceptance of the heartache
fear of the new
letting go of the known.


By taking time to fully acknowledge the moment
I can now move forward to

Glad.

Glad she and I made it through the summer
in the best possible way
since neither of us chose to have her move back
we rather accepted the situation as necessary.

I can know that my sad will this time flow through
making way for glad.

Glad I knowI  can show up all in
even knowing the pain to be.

For I have learned not only self care over the last four years
I have learned 
my heart is mighty and strong
it might crack now and again
but with each crack
it heals even stronger and larger than before.

Ellis I send you off with 
so much love
affection
and 
courage.

I will always love you to the moon and back!
You will always be a part of me.

All the very, very best to you in your newest chapter.
You and I 
have worked hard for this day.


As always my friends


I wish you love and joy 
as you style your life











25 comments:

  1. Oh Tamera, you so beautifully have expressed everything I have felt before. I cried when we took her to college...it rained the whole way home inside and outside of the car. I cried when she married and moved to Saipan not knowing if I would see her again...so frightened to have her so far away. But now, she lives 10 houses down the same street...i see her every day. I know not what lies ahead for you, but you just never know! Hold on to the memories and the hope of memories to come!

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    1. Pam … the more I learn about your life … the more I am inspired by you … your love and zest for life! Thank you for sharing such encouraging words! I look forward to February and the hope to meet you in person my dear!

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  2. How very beautifully written... the emotion is palpable and joyful at the same time. Good for you!

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    1. Thank you my dear … for your visit and your sweet words!

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  3. You have beautifully expressed the many emotions I have felt in sending my own children out the the world (2 gone, 2 to go). It is truly the definition of bittersweet, and I thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you Julia for your kind and understanding words. It is a beautiful thing to connect through loving fiercely. You are deep in the mix of it with two still at home. I still have one … and have learned how to better let go … and still hold on … and still never wanting to miss a moment of what remains.

      I truly appreciate your taking the time to comment my dear!

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  4. One of the greatest joys of being a mother is raising strong, independent children and the one of the most challenging times is realising it is their time to make their own way in the world. Congratulations to Ellis on her engagement, a lovely time for your family.
    Continue your self care my dear and enjoy everything the future holds. x

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    1. Thank you Jill for visiting … and leaving your gift of wise … understanding words. You are quite right … raising strong independent souls … is one of the odd times in life … when a jobs well done … comes with a bit of bitter sting. But I know it will heal quickly … and open up a brand new wonderful chapter in all our lives!

      I so enjoy your visits my dear!

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  5. Tamera I remember this so well, and oh my goodness all of the feelings!! Now I am so glad to have my own space and time in this new , exciting stage of life!

    xoxo
    Karena
    The Arts by Karena

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    1. Karena … thank you for your words. I am moving quicker this time … to the excitement of what is yet to come … and making daily lifts of what I am so grateful for.

      Thank you my friend for stopping by with encouragement!

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  6. Oh Tamera. I'm right there with you. Feeling those aches and pains and emotional stretch marks from mothering.
    Thank you for sharing your beautiful words today. I'm so excited about what the future holds for you. :)

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    1. Leslie so happy for your visit my friend! I love your words … "the aches and pains of emotional stretch marks from mothering". Well said my dear … so well said!

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    2. PS Leslie … when is our next meet up? I will gladly drive out to your beach side city!

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  7. Such a bitter sweet time. Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way. Coffee Soon? xo Jana

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    1. Isn't though? Who would have known during our time shared at kindergarten pick ups … that having things come out so well for our children … could have such a stinging underside? But I know it won't always feel like this and I will soon be more fully onto a great new chapter as well!

      Definitely coffee soon my friend! We have so much to catch up on!

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  8. Yes Tamera it is so important not to hold on superfluously...and at the same time feel the feelings of that letting go. But this all sounds so serious and you are having a wonderful realisation and much joy. It is lovely to hear of your life adventure!
    With Warmest Wishes
    Cassandra

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    1. Cassandra my dear … I am honored with your visit! Yes, you are completely right … all the way around!

      I so enjoy following you and your beautiful daughter's life adventures … in Scotland, London and your worldly travels! You and India are quite an inspiration on so many levels!

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    2. Just reading this for the first time and I do believe I am blushing from reading your words Tamera !!!

      When we visit Cali - definitely setting up a drinky to chat face to face :) xxx love from Scottttyland

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    3. I would be ever so excited to meet up with you both my dear … but I don't think I would be satisfied with just drinks!
      I can also offer much advice … if i know what type of adventure you were seeking here! I am so very excited at the prospect of meeting you both in person!

      xoxo
      Tamera

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    4. Beautiful words and emotions in this post. Thank you for sharing your journey of through growth and change. You can see the beauty in the breakdown.

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  9. Beautiful expression of love~love always wins over pain!


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    1. Thank you Kathy! Yes, you are so right … love always triumphs pain!

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  10. I never had children Tamera, but I was a school teacher and observed much parenting. What a lovely and honest tribute. Hope this will go in your daughter's scrapbook so she can show her own daughter one day. Blessings for a GLAD day! :)

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    1. Thank you Kathryn for kind and comforting words! Glad days ahead to be sure!

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  11. The purest expression of bittersweet I've read in a long while Tamera. What a gift for your daughter and for yourself.
    Brighter days are coming but for now it's essential to feel this place.
    Hugs, xx

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