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I'd rather quit blogging ....

I'd rather quit blogging than ever 
have a blog that only represents a bright shiny life.
For we of a certain age ...
know by now...

real life is always bittersweet...
filled with peaks and valleys...
good time and the bad...

I have  hoped my entire life that  this was not the case...
that if I just worked hard enough..
I could control things...

Control my life with...
children,
a husband, 
family...
myself...


Now I have to face my fears...
I cannot.

My children
who I desperately love
 are all of another age...
An age where I am no longer in control...
An age where their lives are pretty much their own...
And I must realize I can no longer protect them...
all of the time.

I must live with the fear...
of an 18 year old son...
with a motorcycle...
Who has chosen to be on his own...
and
 thus making his own decisions.
I am left with realizing I can only let him go...
With LOVE.

I must realize...
it is not my husband's job to fill the
hole in my soul...
It is my own life's journey.

I must make peace of my fear of my parents getting older...
and instead  of running from this ...
make the most of the now.


I must accept myself.

Accept...
I will never be perfect.
That fear and anxiety will always be a constant companion.
That because I feel so intensely....
my life  will always be challenging...

I must accept my own aging...
and
not only make peace with it...
but search for the true gifts aging can bring.

I must accept that I can not outrun my pain and  fear and anxiety...
but I need to acknowledge it's presence...
to accept there will be always the bitter with the sweet.

I say this...
so you know when you visit my blog...
it is always about the bitter and the sweet...


it's just that the sweet is so much prettier to see...
and
if we look hard...
we can uncover so much sweet.


as always my friends

I wish you love and joy
as you style your life





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33 comments:

  1. CurtiseOctober 4, 2013 at 12:28 PM

    Oh my lovely friend. I'm sorry that there are things in your life which cause you to feel anxious and sad. But they are inevitable, are they not? We can't control events, or others. We age. Our loved ones move away, move on, take their own path. We must define ours. We can do all these things, of course - we must - but it's hard. You acknowledge your fears with such grace, Tamera, and as always you accompany your thoughts with stunning images. Sending much love. Love is part of the sweet, right?! xxxx

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 8:42 AM

      Oh my dear Curtise... your words are always such a gift to my soul... in their wisdom and comfort! For me sometimes acknowledging my fears aloud ... is a way to let them go the best I can.

      I eagerly accept the love you send... you are so right... love is the sweetest of the sweet.

      Delete
  2. UnknownOctober 4, 2013 at 12:37 PM

    Tamera dear-This post resonates deeply with me. You perfectly describe the same bitter and the sweet that I know I feel in my life. It's such a balance. The sweet is so pretty, sparkly and shiny-and the shadow times are just as real and help us appreciate the beauty all the more. I am thrilled that we will be meeting next weekend on my trip to Newport Beach. We will speak of this balance in life that we are both sharing-and enjoy some sparkles no doubt.
    Beautiful post my friend.
    Have a lovely weekend, xx, Heather

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 8:46 AM

      Thank you dear Heather for your words of understanding...I am so looking forward to seeing you in person next week... and meeting your sister too. We have so much to talk about... especially the story of you and your dear sister! Until next week...wishing you a most lovely one.

      Delete
  3. Anne aka MimiOctober 4, 2013 at 1:20 PM

    I hope you don't ever stop blogging. I love your beautiful images and the beauty you see, the beauty you make, even in the midst of what feels ugly. I love that you are so honest about the struggle. Otherwise the beauty would be unattainable. You make me want to reach for the beauty in the midst of my ugly. It's not one or the other. It's both. It's bitter and sweet. // Sending my love. xo

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 8:50 AM

      Anne you have such a gift with words my dear friend... " to reach for beauty in the midst of my ugly".... so perfectly and poetically said. Your words encourage my soul. I send love to you dear Anne.

      Delete
  4. VixOctober 4, 2013 at 1:52 PM

    What a powerful post. We can't control our life and that's got to be a good thing as life would never change and we'd never learn and become stronger. You're right a blog should be truthful and honest but there's no harm on focussing on the positive, if only for our own sanity.
    I wish you well, you are an inspiration. xxx

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 9:10 AM

      Oh Vix... what wise, wise words! Yes, there is much good to be had in the breaking open... and... becoming stronger and more open in the process. Thank you for your encouraging words my dear!

      Your zest for life is always an inspiration to me! Much love my dear.

      Delete
  5. Anne-Marie BruunOctober 4, 2013 at 2:52 PM

    Dear Tamera Life's a challenge and always changing. I have kids like you and grandchildren and my anxiety and my fear now applies them. Sometimes everything goes for a pattern and bright and lovely. But suddenly there comes a break. Life has taught me that if I take this to me and are there when those I love needs me, then I shall go continue also in mourning and when everything changed. Life is not perfect.
    It's a great post - thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 9:13 AM

      My dear Anne-Marie thai you for your gift of such a heartfelt comment. It is a beautiful thing... though we live on separate continents... and have never met... we can share so much in common in life. Thank you so much for your visit from Denmark..and leaving your gift of words.

      Delete
  6. ConnieOctober 4, 2013 at 3:54 PM

    It is difficult to live life as a very sensitive person. I know first hand. We feel pain and sadness so much more intensely than most people...but we also feel joy and beauty at a higher level. Now that is something to celebrate!

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 9:22 AM

      Yes, Connie... being a strong intuitive is a double edged sword... best managed by the strong focus on the side of beauty. Thank you for this beautiful reminder... it truly is something to cherish!

      Delete
  7. JenniferOctober 4, 2013 at 7:47 PM

    No ones life is as "pretty" as some people project. It's refreshing to honestly get to share our ups and downs.

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 9:23 AM

      So very true dear Jennifer! Always so happy for your visit!

      Delete
  8. materfamiliasOctober 4, 2013 at 10:09 PM

    Yes. Just that. Yes. . . . and thank you. . . and perhaps a hug?

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 9:24 AM

      Thanks to YOU my dear! Your hug is eagerly accepted... with much gratitude!

      Delete
  9. The Silver BunnyOctober 5, 2013 at 4:33 AM

    I defy the bitter and because I don't feel it so acutely right this minute, though it might be different in the next hour, I wish I could send you some peace. As for letting go of children ... I haven't made peace with that yet ! xoxo

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 9:27 AM

      I love that you defy the bitter... right now. This is truly my goal... while learning how to manage it properly when it does make a house call. Thank you for stopping by my dear... your visit is truly appreciated!

      Delete
  10. -Denise PagettOctober 5, 2013 at 7:54 AM

    If my thoughts could hold you, you'd be hugged right now.

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 9:28 AM

      Thank you my dear... hug graciously accepted! Hope things have begun to settle down for you!

      Delete
  11. hostess of the humble bungalowOctober 5, 2013 at 8:07 AM

    Oh the letting go of the children is really difficult!
    I KNOW that control is an illusion yet I do fall into that trap every now and again...
    You have written an honest and thought provoking post.
    Take care
    Hostess

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 10:39 AM

      Thank you dear hostess! Ii so enjoyed your your beautiful walk in the rain!

      Delete
  12. SuzanneOctober 5, 2013 at 8:38 AM

    Blogs that are all fluff and rainbows aren't real and don't hold my interest. I want a blogger to be relatable and honest.

    I appreciate the sadness and difficulty. It teaches us to cherish more the happy moments and be fully aware of them.

    I loved this post. So much to absorb. So many truths that we need to learn to live with.

    Here is to finding the sweetness in life. Sometimes hidden where you least expect to find it.


    bisous
    Suzanne

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    1. Tamera BeardsleyOctober 5, 2013 at 12:40 PM

      It is the thoughts that you express here, dear Suzanne, that has made your blog a favorite of mine these days! Yes... here's to finding the sweetness in life!

      xox
      Tamera

      Delete
  13. citizen rosebudOctober 5, 2013 at 12:32 PM

    It is always with a depth of pleasure that I receive when I visit your blog. This post in particular resonates strongly with me. I too must accept and come to terms with my limitations, failures and aging process. You are a divine voicebox for these wise words. Thank you, for both expressing bitter and sweet, always with such dignity, grace and eloquence .

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  14. DonnaOctober 5, 2013 at 1:07 PM

    This is the kind of post I wil read again and again. Well said! You are so lovely and talented and I have no doubt that you will handle whatever comes your way with grace and style. You are an inspiration to this old gal and I appreciate your candor.

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  15. Mrs. DOctober 5, 2013 at 3:44 PM

    Beautiful post.
    Hugs xx

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  16. Flora CruftOctober 6, 2013 at 6:30 AM

    What a moving and thought provoking post, thank you.

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  17. TrinaOctober 6, 2013 at 12:30 PM

    And the beautiful poet speaks again. I'm thinking of printing these posts into a coffee table book display, now isn't that a SWEET thought? Thank you, dear friend, for opening your heart and soul for all of us to learn and grow from

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  18. Ana from Mrs. American MadeOctober 6, 2013 at 4:21 PM

    Wonderful words.

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  19. Adrienne ShubinOctober 6, 2013 at 5:24 PM

    Lovely post. You always speak your truth here and that I find very refreshing.
    xo

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  20. kim at northerncalstyle.October 7, 2013 at 11:44 PM

    I know what you are saying. My boys are getting older and yes it's so hard to let go, knowing they may not be making the safest or right choices.. Also, parents aging. Ahh, so tough. You are wise that we need to let go. Also, that we need to appreciate today. Always inspired coming here!
    xxKim

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  21. YONKSOctober 19, 2013 at 5:00 PM

    Dear Tamera,
    So glad I found you and these wonderful words. You have said everything I feel. I'm glad I'm not alone with my doubts, fears, ups and downs. I thought I was crazy. It's good to know there are others out there.
    Your newest UK follower.
    Di
    xoxo

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