Finding my way back in ....


I remember being a child at the beach...
and wondering why anyone would choose to just sit on the shore...
and not go in.

As my children got older...
I made sure to 'take them in'...
never too far...
just safe.


When they were of age
I signed them all up for surf lessons.
I myself learned how....
by watching them....

watching them learn what had my been my dream...
by wanting for them...
I got a piece of my own yearning.
I spent several summers
all of us surfing together...
living my dream...with them.

then one by one...
they dropped out...
they began pursuing their own dreams...
me spending all of my time....
driving them to their new destinations.


Over the years I forgot I loved the water....
in my pursuit.....
of the unattainable....
to be a perfect mother.
I wasn't....
but boy did I try.

I am now in a next chapter....
they all moving on...
pursuing their own dreams
and now driving themselves there.


I have me time now....

In the beginning I didn't know what to do with it....
it was a foreign visitor....

Now we are blissfully well acquainted 
so I have time to walk on the beach....
often.
And I do often.
always making sure no shoes....
alway walkings in the surf zone.


But recently....
a voice....whispering at first...
 began to call to me...
come in the water...
come play...
remember...the fun.

First I answered back...
I don't know you...
I don't know me...I am lost to my self...
I couldn't recognize my old love.

Over the last year
I have had the privileged 
of finding myself....
And oh how I had missed me.

This year at the beach...
I remember my love...
but  I answer back....

I can't come in....
I would look foolish...
I am too old...
I am afraid....

But today...
with my prayers of gratitude on the surface of my soul...


I stopped my walk.
I put everything down.

I went in...
all by myself.


I have no words to describe the
 sheer elation of my heart and soul.
For me it was a moment of nirvana...
The feeling of being one with the ocean...
the breaking free...
the going IN.


Yes, I was pummeled by waves...
yes,
fear swam with me.
but soon I left it in the distance.
 it became faint next to the sheer joy of being out there.
It was one of those moments 
my soul connected to a higher power...
a  crystalized moment of sheer perfection.



I quickly remembered 
to dive deep
under the crushing waves....
so deep you can feel it's force race over you.
Coming up on the other side.
where it is calm and peaceful.
(I know there is an analogy here with parenting teenagers).


I left my perfect moment sooner than my first choice.
My youngest wanted to borrow my car to visit his girlfriend
before she went out of town.
You see,
I'm still a Mom first...at least for a little longer.

but now...
I remember me...
I am excited for my next chapters...

Today my soul is full...
and
 brimming with gratitude.


as always dear friends
I wish you love and joy
as you style your life
and
 fill your heart with gratitude




thanks so very much for stopping by



28 comments:

  1. oh boy how i love this tamera!! what a beautiful writer you are, i love that you said making sure you have NO SHOES on! This was so incredible to read and I am gleaming in nirvana with you girl!!! i would have loved to have watched you...;)
    and you are always a momma, just with a new role, right around the corner my friend..
    i adore the big beautiful pictures too!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Gina! I thought of you today... when I was out in the water....it was a moment I wanted to share with you...soul to soul! I send much love to you!

      Delete
    2. are you serious tamera? I can't even believe it! me?! what a dream it would have been to share such a sweet moment;)

      xoxolove you!

      Delete
  2. I love your blog. The times you talk about parenting and how it feels as children grow away, seem like you peeked into my soul. I understand exactly how you feel; I was just the same. I am still looking for something to replace the part of me that tried so hard to nurture my children, yet felt so inadequate, but always knowing with conviction that no one tried harder. I need me...but how do I take care of me? That sounds absurd! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Others of us have them but the words get stuck in our throats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheryl...your words brought tears to my eyes... i am realizing there is much unsaid...or at the very least, I have missed it...regarding the transitioning role as mother. i have been grieving it coming to an end ...questioning some things I did....feeling embarrassed and ungrateful for being so broken hearted at this juncture....thinking i am the only one who ever felt that way. It is connecting with like souls as yourself...that I realize I am not alone in this transition.

      I think your question of self care is a great one....i believe the answer is in our next chapter.

      Thank you so very much for commenting...for sharing yourself...thank you.

      Delete
  3. Tamera, I love the lines "sheer elation of my heart and soul" and "the going IN." Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amber my dear...thank. you....You have gotten the jest of the post...in 10 words...your artistic soul in clarity.

      Delete
  4. So poetic, loved it. High five, girl! You did well. The going in part, I mean. I applaud you. Can you hear me?
    I'm sitting on the shore. I'm here if you need me. Much love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my dear...i hear you...although the waves are loud....how can i ever convince you to come on in....the waters great! But so good to know your there...i do need you...always. much love back.

      Delete
  5. The way you write and include these breathtaking photos, we're all in it with you. Congratulations, you've broke through the sound barrier.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you dear Joni! My only aim with today's post was to share the moment and the joy. Blogging is an odd thing...I feel so much more able to share the 'real' moments...and feel the connection....more than with those whose lives I share. I so appreciate your comment, your getting it...your sharing in my moment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tamera, I was just coming back from vacation when I got wind of the Huffington mention. But I'm too shy to say anything about it and have a tendency to think those things are just cyberbots that randomly pick blogs. But I don't know....I suppose there aren't many over 50 bloggers out there so it did make me smile. Thanks for mentioning it!

      Delete
  7. Tamera - wonderful post and photos! I, too, started going to the beach every day about a month ago. I love soaking up everything.....the wildlife, people, and today, I just may even go into the water!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Catherine...i so appreciate your comments! Isn't the beach such balm for the soul! Where do you go to thee beach?

      Delete
  8. Such a powerful post! I love your bravery, your passion, your transparency! What a beautiful metaphor! <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. Beautiful thoughts, words, photos and emotions!
    Don't we all try to be perfect mothers? I know I did, TRY.
    Thank you for sharing your bravery with us!!
    I feel motivated to stretch beyond my comfort zone today, just by reading your post.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AWESOME! So glad you were brave. I can imagine how exceptional it felt. We all have things we've separated from but it's really good to reconnect. I am happy for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Glorious my dear. Jump in, then breathe, stretch, sigh, and rest. Then do it again!!! :-) Congratulations.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for taking us with you on this journey, accompanied by these powerful photos. I know of what you speak!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you for sharing the joy of finding you again. How inspiring to go in the water again to not be afraid. Powerful message!

    ReplyDelete
  14. What a beautiful post. I have too much me time and just don't know what to do with myself, but I feel as if I have been wracking my brain for years.

    ReplyDelete
  15. your words and your beautiful pictures have touched me deeply. every time of our live has its special wonderful moments. i am glad that you found them and thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Good for you! Rediscovering a passion is an amazing experience!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Tamera, I just stopped by to tell you I've nominated you for the coveted Liebster Award. Yes, it's true. If you decide to accept, you can find all you would ever want to know about it on my site http://projectminima.blogspot.com/2012/08/not-just-another-award.html#more
    I'll be back to soak in your truth and beauty as soon as get done with my duties as an awardee!

    ReplyDelete
  18. This is an absolutely beautiful story and message as well as being visually lovely too. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. ahh, I've come back to soak it all in. My earlier comment seems so irrelevant, irreverent even for the moment. I find it amazing how you can so instantly touch my soul with your wise words and beautiful images. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Tamera, thank you for articulating what I needed to realize which is that I somehow forgot who I was along the way. This is so beautiful, I need to come back and read it again when I forget what I should be doing now. xo

    ReplyDelete