an epiphany.



While gardening out back in the warmth of today's sunshine, I had an epiphany.

I have been shrouded in anger lately.  I try to think it away, reason it away, pray it away.  It won't leave.

Today I realized it wasn't anger after all.  It was just hurt masquerading under the guise of anger.  Anger seems more personally  powerful, it lacks the vulnerability of hurt.  We can learn to control our anger, being hurt is a whole different entity.

I thought I was angry at my kids.  I have been angry and disappointed often lately, for many reasons.  I  was angry for things they did.  I have been angry for things they didn't do.  Funny thing about anger, you can Always find a reason for it.

But today, I realized I was really just ......   hurt.  I am hurt and afraid as  I realize my kids have their own life.  A life where I am not the center.  A life that they can successfully manage, without my help.

I miss what we had.  But today I realized I did my job well.  I gave them the love and the confidence to go out into the world. To go make their own path, find their own voice and vision. They still love me.  They just don't need me the way they used to need me.

So now it must be my turn.  My turn to find the voice of my next chapter.  I must learn to transition to the next phase of my life.  To let go of the anger.  To rejoice in a job well done.  To be grateful for the journeys that I have had and the courage to show up for what will be.  To take responsibility for my own happiness....... to be grateful.

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