I had a dream over 20 years ago, when I had cancer, that I still see clearly today.
In it I am driving a car,
I can only navigate forward, by viewing my rear view mirror
I could only move forward
by seeing where I had been.
This summer the dreams meaning is once again vivid.
Last night I was reading one of my all time favorite blogs
by the astonishingly artful soul Danielle.
Her post was on her excitement as she sets out on her homeschooling adventure
with her three young children.
It hit a chord in me,
releasing emotions I hadn't realized were sitting there,
so close to the surface.
Usually so carefully disguised as anger or disappointment
in a vain attempt to escape the heartache.
her sweet, sweet comment to me
she remembered my philosophy to learning....
and the flood gates burst open....
As I realized just how very, very much I truly missed those times with my children
'when they were mine'
How we functioned as a unit
how everyday was an adventure
we had our own schedule
our own rhythm.
How I love my people
with all my
I loved learning with them
I loved being with them
I loved Friday nights best of all.
in making beds on the floor in our room
to watch Tv
and all fall asleep together.
the bond, the togetherness.
I have been afraid to admit
even to myself,
how much it all meant to me.
Danielle's post spoke right to my heart
I felt in an instant where I had been....
Tears flowed in memory of times past...
a realization was made...
I really, really loved those times...
It has been changing out of that for years now....
a second high school graduation...
and an impending third....
makes it all just so very real.
But now I understand myself better.
I have been so annoyed with myself for feeling so sad
for so long....
but I get it now,
I know my husband doesn't,
nor my kids...
but I do.
I really, really loved those times
they are my history
In these bodies we will live,
In these bodies we will die,
Where you invest your love,
You invest your life.
Mumford and Sons-Awake My Soul
It is OK to allow myself to grieve what has passed,
because by doing so
I can truly celebrate today...
to revel in the wonderful adults they are becoming,
to hold in my heart forever
those sacred motherhood moments
that have brought us all to today.
to realize that even though they are older,
they are still my children,
I can find new relevant ways to celebrate and savor
my time with them,
no matter how brief in the day.
because I do know all to soon,
this time will also be a memory...
I will want to know
I gave it my all,
that I have loved with all my heart...
loved them fiercely....
just as I always have.
So thank you so very much
my dear Danielle
because through your eyes
I am able to see my past...
and now have a better vision of my future.
I send you love.