I had a dream over 20 years ago, when I had cancer, that I still can see clearly today.
In it I am driving a car,
I can only navigate forward, by viewing my rear view mirror
I could only move forward
by seeing where I had been.
This summer the dreams meaning is once again vivid.
Last night I was reading one of my all time favorite blogs
by the astonishingly artful soul Danielle.
Her post was on her excitement as she sets out on her homeschooling adventure
with her three young children.
It hit a chord in me,
releasing emotions I hadn't realized were sitting there,
so close to the surface.
Usually so carefully disguised as anger or disappointment
in a vain attempt to escape the heartache.
Then...
her sweet, sweet comment to me
she remembered my philosophy to learning….
that for children to remember details
the details must pass through their hearts
that for children to remember details
the details must pass through their hearts
and
with her sweet words ...
the flood gates burst open.
with her sweet words ...
the flood gates burst open.
As I realized just how very, very much I truly missed those times with my children
back
'when they were mine'
How we functioned as a unit
how everyday was an adventure
we had our own schedule
our own rhythm.
How I love my people
with all my
heart
I loved learning with them
I loved being with them
I loved Friday nights best of all.
Their excitement
in making beds on the floor in our room
to watch Tv
and
all fall asleep together.
all fall asleep together.
The bond, the togetherness.
I have been afraid to admit
even to myself,
how much it all meant to me.
Danielle's post spoke right to my heart
I felt in an instant where I had been....
Tears flowed in memory of times past...
a realization was made...
I really, really loved those times...
It has been changing out of that for years now....
a second high school graduation...
and an impending third....
makes it all just so very real.
But now I understand myself better.
I have been so annoyed with myself for feeling so sad
for so long....
but I get it now,
I know my husband doesn't,
nor my kids...
But I do.
I really, really loved those times
they are my history
In these bodies we will live,
In these bodies we will die,
Where you invest your love,
You invest your life.
~ Mumford and Sons-Awake My Soul
It is OK to allow myself to grieve what has passed,
because by doing so
I can truly celebrate today...
to revel in the wonderful adults they are becoming,
to hold in my heart forever
those sacred motherhood moments
that have brought us all to today.
to realize that even though they are older,
they are still my children,
and
I can find new relevant ways to celebrate and savor
my time with them,
no matter how brief in the day.
because I do know all to soon,
this time will also be a memory...
and
I will want to know
I gave it my all,
that I have loved with all my heart...
loved them fiercely....
just as I always have.
So thank you so very much
my dear Danielle
because through your eyes
I am able to see my past...
and
now have a better vision of my future.
now have a better vision of my future.
Danielle
I send you love.
Your children are so lucky to have you as their mom! You are so full of love that you've passed on to your children, it's beautiful to read about! I just adore the pictures you posted of your kids when they were younger, so sweet! xoxo
ReplyDeleteDanielle, thank you for that...it brought me tears.
DeleteBeautiful post Tamera. The most important compassion is the kind we have toward ourselves.
ReplyDeleteWow Joni, thank you for that...what a beautiful and enlightened sentiment...I will remember this, truly.( It actually sounds like a pinterest inspiration.) I so appreciate your sharing such wisdom!
DeleteLovely! I wish there was a child's day, like there is a mother's day and father's day. This post would be a great speech for that occasion.
ReplyDeleteKathleen thank you for your kind words and taking the time to comment..I am touched and so appreciative.
DeleteBeautiful and poignant post Tamera. It is healthy to grieve the loss of a time that was so special, important and valuable for you. This is a huge transition and I thank you for sharing your feelings so openly so that others can be comfortable with grief as well. It's just as important and human as joy and has it own time frame, which is to be honored. The photos of you with your children clearly demonstrate what you expressed with words.
ReplyDeleteJudith, thank you so very much for such comforting and understanding words. They truly speak to my heart. Thank you also for your continued inspiration...you and your beautiful blog, have me excited about my yet to be. For this, especially at this time, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
ReplyDeleteThis speaks from the depths of the heart and that is exactly where I felt it. So appropriate for me and at the perfect time. It is like you wrote all of what I am feeling, so now I don't have to search or ponder much about it, I can just feel and enjoy right now, the days when we are still together. Maybe pretending that the days are not flying by and that the time isn't near, like an optimist. No, more like a poet who can look deeper and see the good in all of it, almost looking forward to new beginnings. This is so gorgeous Tamera. Have a wonderful weekend. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are so inspiring, and your children are so lucky to have you!
ReplyDeleteXo Megan
What an incredible post Tamera. My mother in law often tells me that although the years of having small children are challenging, they are by far the best years of a mother'slife. It is so tough to let go, watch them become less dependant...not sure how I will do.
ReplyDeleteWhat an absolutely stunning family you have!
What an incredible post Tamera. My mother in law often tells me that although the years of having small children are challenging, they are by far the best years of a mother'slife. It is so tough to let go, watch them become less dependant...not sure how I will do.
ReplyDeleteWhat an absolutely stunning family you have!
What an incredible post Tamera. My mother in law often tells me that although the years of having small children are challenging, they are by far the best years of a mother'slife. It is so tough to let go, watch them become less dependant...not sure how I will do.
ReplyDeleteWhat an absolutely stunning family you have!